God Works in Mysterious Ways

I posted a bunch of photos of our short trip to Pismo Beach/Avila/San Louis Obispo this week.  For those of you not familiar with the area, the three towns are very close together.  Brian and I traveled to San Louis Obispo almost 25 years ago to check out the Cal Poly campus, where Brian would be attending college.  It is a wonderful school for Agricultural Business and Science.  We met with the department head and then looked for an apartment.  I was excited to live right by the beach and have beautiful weather.  Brian also got accepted to the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona., but we were excited to go to Cal Poly because it was Brian's dream to go there.

A few weeks later, Brian told me he felt prompted to go to U of A.  I did not even want to hear it.  Tucson is not a beautiful city.  It looks the opposite of SLO.  (We just found out that everyone in California calls San Louis Obispo "SLO").  Of course I wanted Brian to do what he felt was best, and that is why it upset me!  I wanted him to feel that he was supposed to go to Cal Poly.  It was what he wanted.  I went home and was alone.  I knelt down by the couch and started praying.  I told Heavenly Father all the reasons why I wanted to go to SLO and all the reasons why I did not want to go to U of A.  As I was praying, I suddenly felt okay about Tucson.  I stood up, confident about our next move.  I am grateful for the power of prayer. 

I am grateful that we lived in Tucson.  We had a wonderful church congregation where we made amazing friends who were also attending college.  One of the biggest blessings is that we had the best fertility doctor.  In Vitro Fertilization cost soooo much more in California than in Tucson Arizona.  Amazingly, we enjoyed the nature surrounding Tucson.  We also lived only two hours away from family.  It was a blessing to have family so close, especially when I was pregnant and gave birth to Kendra.  

Life is funny.  We now live in the produce capital of the world.  Brian's career dreams didn't require attending Cal Poly to come true.  We might not live right by the beach, but we are less than two hours away.  It's like going to Christopher Creek in Arizona.  The beach is our new cabin.   

       

He's the Guy that Takes Care of Me

Happy 25th Anniversary to us!!

(I was in pain for two days so Brian took me to the emergency room.  I was admitted to the hospital and had my gallbladder removed the next morning.)

These videos were filmed by Brian a week and a half ago.  I have been put under anesthesia 16 times and I have never reacted this way.  I have no recollection of any of this.  Brian told me that I talked about him for an hour!  I laughed when I first saw the video clips and I also got choked up.  

I was extremely independent the first ten years of our marriage.  I got ill in an instant on October 31st 2009 that changed me and our relationship.  Brian become my caretaker and became like a single parent.  I never heard him complain.  He only ever cared about how I was doing and that our girls were doing well.  I know it was extremely difficult for him to have to be responsible for everything.  I would have loved to be my independent self that didn’t need help, but that was not in the cards no matter how much I wanted it.  It changed the dynamics in our relationship and changed pretty much everything in our lives.  I went from being independent to relying on Brian for almost everything.  I got sick a few times before I got my brain disorder and I was insistent that everyone leave me alone as I puked my guts up or drove myself to the doctor’s office with a 103 temperature.  I was strong-willed and fiercely independent.  That completely changed on October 31st of 2009.  I have never felt completely secure or as in control of my life since that horrible day.  If I get sick now then I want Brian right by my side because I am scared that something horrible could happen like it did in 2009.  I obviously have trauma from being ill for so long.  

Brian has only shown love towards me through everything we have been through. I was told I would not be able to have children naturally six months into our marriage.  Brian was so loving.  I was the one that was angry.  We went through in vitro fertilization and then a horrible pregnancy.  We had only been married for about a year when I got hyperemesis gravidarum.  No one that sick is going to be intimate.  He was a newlywed and all he cared about was me.  He was not selfish once.  I was much more independent at the time, even though I was miserable.  I preferred not having people around and dealing with the misery on my own.  Brian was going to U of A at the time as a full time student and trying to work on the farm.  I went into preterm labor and was in the hospital for two weeks.  He would come to the hospital the moment he got out of school and would sleep in the horrible hospital chair.  Needless to say, he did not get the best grades at that time.  After Kendra was born, he would wake up in the middle of the night for every feeding because I was so weak after going through a pregnancy that depleted everything in me.

Brian was positive and encouraging throughout our process of adoption.  He had the attitude that if we were meant to have more children then it would happen.  He has been my partner and best friend every step of the way. 

Kendra was 7 and Kessa was 3 when I was struck with illness on October 31st 2009.  Those years were the most difficult in my entire life.  It was hell.  I know that there have been some sad repercussions due to me not being able to be as present for many years.  At least I see it as repercussions.  I am also blessed beyond measure that I was able to watch my two girls grow up.  Although I was unable to do everything I would have done if I had been well, I was able to be part of my daughter's lives.  All I ever wanted to do was be their mom.   

We went through a legal battle while I was sick around 2011.  It was scary.  I am grateful for the faith of a good man. The Lord blessed us.  

There have been ups and downs with Brian's career.  It was a very difficult decision for him to leave the family farm.  It has taken us down a path that is unknown.  We are relying on the Lord and each other.

Like I mentioned, I have been put under anesthesia 16 times.  Fourteen of those times was after I got married to Brian.  Some were minor like getting my wisdom teeth out.  Others were more serious like the five hour surgery taking out what they thought was a tumor.  My deformed fallopian tube had filled up with fluid and attached itself to my bowl.  Recuperating was so fun!😏  I also had an ectopic pregnancy.  I woke up from that surgery blacking out every time I tried to sit up and then I would want to throw up.  Good times.  Another time I thought the surgery made me schizophrenic.😂  I guess I did go schizophrenic temporarily.  I kept hearing people slamming doors and yelling.  For instance, I would hear someone in the other room yell, "GET OUT OF HERE" and then a door slam.  It was freaky!  I have some weird reactions to anesthetics.  Thank goodness it did not last after the first day, but then I became very sick.  Of course Brian was right by my side the entire time encouraging me.

Brian is the hardest worker.  I planned on going back to college once Kessa started Kindergarten to get a teaching degree.  That all went out the window when I got sick in 2009.  Brian has been a wonderful provider for our family.  He is the one that has taken care of all of our temporal needs and wants.  He has been there for our family as a spiritual leader.  He has been there as our rock.            

We have dealt with Kessa having drug addiction and living a dark life.  It has been heartbreaking.  She is a beautiful girl with a very sensitive soul.  She is very wounded and hurt.  Jesus Christ loves all of God's children.  Kessa's worth is precious in the sight of God no matter her choices.  I pray that she will be able to choose on her own to want better for herself.  I thought the worst thing in the world would be if one of my children decided not to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Ha!  The worst thing is watching the person you would give your life for not care about her own life.  I have learned so much about drug addiction and mental health issues.  I hope that someday Kessa will know her worth.  She has sooo many talents.  She has a purpose on this earth.  She is one of the greatest blessings in my life.  It has been extremely difficult.  I can't describe all the emotions, doubts, shame and heartache.  I thought it hurt so bad when I found out that she told people lies about me and Brian her Sophomore year of high school.  I could care less about that anymore.  Who cares what others think!  Kessa doesn't do that anymore.  I have to give her grace that she was young and rebelling.  She knows that her parents love her very much.  She knows that we want better for her.  We have tried everything we know how to get her the help she needs.  As of right now, she has chosen to not get any help for anything.  She thinks she is free and able to do whatever she wants which she thinks means happiness.  

I have learned a great deal about agency.  I don't know any loving parent who would not be in despair when finding out one's child is living the opposite of what you have taught and the way you have lived.  Loving parents will try everything they know how and they will make mistakes.  We are not given a handbook on how to deal with a child that does the complete opposite of everything you have taught them. I can honestly and sincerely say that Brian and I have tried everything we knows how. We have depleted our savings trying to save our daughter.  I would go into millions of dollars of debt if I knew in the end that it would save my daughter.  I have come to realize that I can't save her.  She has to choose for herself at this point.  Of course Brian and I will always be here to help her.  We have realized that you can't make your child feel a certain way.  No matter how many times you say I love you or that they mean everything to you or how amazing they are...they have to believe it themselves.  

I have also come to know my Savior and his love for each one of us.  The Savior loves Kessa perfectly no matter what.  He knows her and what she feels.  I have had to let go of so much fear.  If I held onto the fear then I would never sleep and I would be a mess every day.  I lived that way for a few years.  So did Brian.  We are striving to concentrate on our own faith and testimonies.  It is hard to hand over all control.  We still give advice and try to influence, but we know we have no control at this point.  Kessa is an adult.  If she came to us and said, "I want to change."  Holy moly!  I would shout hallelujah!  You can't force someone to want to do what is right.  You can't force someone to live a clean life.  You can't force someone to see the way you see.  I wish I could when it comes to Kessa.  I told her one time, "Kessa, if you could just see and feel how your Heavenly Father sees you, you would never doubt your worth and who you are."  I pray for an Alma the Younger story.  (A story in the book of Mormon about a rebellious son and his faithful father.)  God gave us agency.  I still hope and pray every day that Kessa will be protected even when she makes dangerous choices.  I love her so much and hope for a day when she will love herself.  

Now we are in California where I know no one.  There have been many friendly people, but it is not family or friends that I have known forever.  It is not home.  Brian is my only friend here.  Once again, we have each other.  He is my home.  

I can't imagine going through this life with anyone else.  How did I get the best man in the world?  I do not want to think about doing this life without him.  He is my best friend.  We both have put each other first above all else throughout our marriage.  I have never wanted to have to rely on anyone.  My nature was to be independent and deal with everything on my own.  I never pictured when I got married to Brian the challenges we would face and how I would have to accept him taking care of me in my times of utter need.  My greatest blessing and the best choice I have ever made is marrying Brian Vance Layton.  He is "the guy that does stuff for me".   He is more than what I had pictured in my mind as prince charming.  I love him.  I am grateful he is my best friend on this earth and my eternal companion.  He is "my man". He has shown me what a marriage should be.  Heavenly Father truly blessed me putting Brian into my path.  He truly has been "the guy that takes care of me".  

    

  

Welcome to Commufornia!

I never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but we are moving to California.  I embarrassingly will admit that when I see a California license plate driving down the streets of Gilbert that I will scowl and say, “Go back to Commufornia!”  I don’t say it to the actual Californians driving down the road minding their own business.  I’m not crazy.😏 I say it under my breath.😜  

My family is originally from California, but we moved to Arizona when California was still sane!  California is the number one place on my list that I would never want to move.  My parents were born and raised in LA back when it was beaches and orange groves.  My dad would ditch school and go surfing.  People were able to drive right up to the beaches.  There was no parking lot, just sand and no one had to pay to be at certain beaches.  Disneyland was surrounded by orange groves.  Knott’s Berry Farm was an actual berry farm, not a park.  There was no crazy traffic.  Homes were affordable.  The leadership was Conservative and had values.  The stories I have heard about their childhoods are ideal.  Southern California today is the extreme opposite of what it was like when my parents were children.  I lived in Cypress, Orange County, California until I was six years old, so I don’t count it.  I am an Arizona girl.  It is fun to think I am going back to my roots though.  I love California because it is part of my family history.  I still have cousins that live in California and I love them!  There are so many great people that live in California. 

Right to Left: Carrie, Amy, me and Starla outside our church building in Cypress, California
 

The past three years have been overwhelming.  It was as though when Brian got released from Bishop that everything dumped on us.  We’ve dealt with hurt, betrayal, and abuse.  It has not been easy, but Brian and I have had to lean on each other and especially the Savior.  I am grateful that I have my best friend by my side no matter what trials hit us.  Brian is the most patient, loving husband and father.  I have had to learn to have more patience and let go of trying to fix things for others.  Agency is a blessing but at times can feel like a curse when watching a loved one choose to live in a way that brings heartache and destruction.  My dad passed away unexpectedly a year ago.  I think about him every day.  It is still shocking.  I will not go into everything concerning the trials we have been through.  Everyone has trials that can be very difficult.  This journal entry is about how we ended up moving from the place Brian, Kendra, Kessa and I all grew up.  Mesa and Gilbert Arizona. 

(I guess I do not have Brian's Gilbert High School basketball photo saved to our computer so this is the best I could do.)

Gilbert, Arizona LDS Temple

I thought we would live the rest of our lives in Gilbert, Arizona.  Everything is familiar.  The people are wonderful.  Most of our families live here.  I love to visit other states and countries, but I have never had the desire to move to another state or country.

Brian has always worked in the agriculture business.  He has always been sought after by companies wanting to hire him.  The answer has always been no since Brian grew up on his family farm and he started working full time on the family farm right out of college in 2003.  After a lot of contemplation and prayer, Brian decided to leave the family farm in 2019.  It was an extremely hard decision for him.  He went through a period of mourning and a little bit of a self-identity crisis.  He was hired by a good agriculture company on the West side of the valley.  

Brian was released as bishop of our ward in 2021.  We moved after he was released as bishop to a nearby area in Gilbert.  Brian loved being bishop.  He loved the people in the Elliot Groves Ward.  I did not realize how much he was going to mourn being bishop and being involved with the people he came to love.  We had so many wonderful memories as a family during that period of time also.  I was so excited to move into our new home.  I really thought it was the home we would grow old in.  Brian was enjoying working for the company that hired him when another company asked him to work for them.  He would be paid more, and it was more of what Brian liked doing, so he accepted the job.  Brian has integrity.  He did not feel the second company he worked for after leaving the family farm dealt with the business in an honest manner.  He decided the best option was to leave that company.   We were already experiencing a huge change in our lives when Brian changed jobs again.  We had moved from the area we raised our girls in.  It was only a mile and a half away, but it felt like we had moved to a different state.  Kendra moved away to college.  Brian had to change jobs because he did not feel right staying in the company he was working for.  We were going through the hardest trial yet as parents.  The company that Brian had been hired to work for when he left the family farm was downsizing and was not hiring. 

There were no agriculture opportunities in Arizona for Brian’s level of experience.  Three agriculture businesses reached out wanting to hire Brian.  One in California, one in Texas, and one in Colorado.  I was soooo upset because I wanted to stay in Arizona.  That was not an option.  I did not even contemplate the farm company in Colorado.  We flew to California to check out the company there.  We flew into Burbank, California.  Brian took me to an area about an hour and a half outside of Bakersfield, California.  We stopped to eat at a restaurant.  It did not feel anything like home.  We did not even make it to Bakersfield because I already knew the answer was no.

We went straight from California to Texas.  I had already visited Grapevine, Texas because Starla lives in Justin, Texas which is in the same area.  Grapevine and Justin are suburbs of Fort Worth.  I immediately fell in love with the area.  Texas is awesome!  I loved all the suburbs, including the small towns.  The other thing in favor of the company in Texas was that Brian already had a relationship with the CEO of the company.  The CEO had done business with the family farm for years.  Brian accepted the job. Brian’s job was more in marketing.  He had to travel a lot.  Brian and I have never been apart so much.  We are a sickening couple that loves to be together.  We want to do everything together.  It was not our favorite that he had to travel multiple times a month.  It was a huge blessing working for the company in Texas in many ways though.  Kessa was struggling and she still was in high school.  The CEO told Brian that he could work from home until Kessa graduated.  What a blessing!!  People that work in agriculture are usually family oriented and believe in God.  I have loved learning about the agriculture business in the USA and having the opportunity to meet others that are part of the agriculture world. 

Since 2022 we have known that we would have to move to Texas once Kessa graduated.  We tried to keep it to ourselves so that our new ward would not write us off, but we always had it in the back of our minds that we would be moving.  It felt like a little bit of living in limbo.  I never hung family pictures on the wall.  There were some things I wanted to change in the house, but it was not worth it since we were going to be moving.  I loved my house!  I was not happy selling it.  

Can you find Zorro and Bandit?

Brian always plants a garden.  Obviously nothing was growing at this point since we were moving.

No, my house is not always that clean.  Actually it is never that clean.  haha.  We were trying to get people to look at it so we could sell it!

My dad passed away a few months before Kessa graduated high school.  It was shocking.  My mom felt lost and was not sure she would be able to stay in her home.  We knew that we were going to have to move to Texas at some point, so my mom was going to move to Texas with us.  We were wanting to build a house and have a casita for my mom.  Kessa graduated high school and went straight to esthetician school.  She graduated from an esthetician school and then Kendra got engaged to be married to PJ.  That was when we were asked to move to Texas.  They wanted Brian to finally get there and start working out of the main office.

I could not just pick one picture of my dad.  These are in no particular order.

We put our house on the market at the same time we were planning a wedding.  It was like a circus act whenever someone would call to come see the house.  We had to stack and shove everything that we were doing for the wedding.  Kessa was getting ready at the Rothlisberger’s house every day.  They are saints!  It was crazy, but you do what you have to do.  Our house sold!  We were so happy that we would no longer have to be part of the circus of trying to sell our house and trying to make our house look like no one lived there! 

We moved to my mom’s house in September 2024.  We stored all of our belongings in pods.  Once we found a house in Texas then the pod company would move all of our belongings to Texas.  The company paid for a moving company.  It was great!  It was the first time I was not the one packing everything up.  Little did we know that we would end up living with my mom for six months.  I can’t express enough how grateful I am to my mom.  We have felt at home living with her.  She has not made us feel like a burden in any way. 

I planned Kendra’s wedding at my mom’s house.  I wish I had hired someone.  Live and learn.  My mom’s entire garage and house were filled with wedding crap.  It was fun in a lot of ways planning and making things for the wedding.  In other ways it was absolutely bonkers!  We are blessed that Kendra made good choices in her life to lead her to a wonderful young man.  He truly is so kind and fun.  He fits right in with our family, and he treats Kendra like a queen.  The wedding day was filled with joy.  Kendra and Pj were sealed for time and all eternity in the Gilbert Temple on December 14, 2024. 

A few days after Kendra’s wedding, I found out that my beautiful sister has breast cancer.  She is a fighter and is going to beat this cancer to a pulp!  She currently just finished her third round of chemo.  I knew cancer was hard but I have learned so much.  My sister is a rockstar.  

Soon after we moved in with my mom, Brian traveled to Texas for a meeting with the CEO of the company.  The company had headquarters in both Idaho and Texas.  There were some changes being made in the company and everyone in Texas was going to be transferring to the Idaho headquarters.  I was in shock because I had never thought about moving to Idaho.  BRRRR! 

While all of this was going on, Brian started getting offers for other jobs.  He never puts in a resume or has to ask for a job.  They have come to him and offered jobs.  One of the jobs offered to him was in Prince Edward Island Canada.  Brian happened to be traveling to Prince Edward Island for his current job about a month after he was offered the job in PEI.  Prince Edward Island grows most of the potatoes for the entire country of Canada.  The company in Prince Edward Island wanted Brian badly.  Brian took me along on the trip and I fell in love with Prince Edward Island.  However, I could not picture living in Canada where it would be freezing half the year, but especially because it is not the USA.  They even told Brian that we could live in North Dakota.  Brian declined the job. 

Prince Edward Island

A few weeks after visiting Canada, Brian traveled to Atlanta, Georgia for a convention.  He happened to start up a conversation with the president of an agriculture company headquartered in Bakersfield, California.  A few weeks later he got a call from the president of Grimmway Farms.  He asked Brian if he would be interested in a job at Grimmway Farms.  When Brian told me about the job, I immediately said no.  There is no way I was going to move to California, especially in a place that is two hours away from the beach in San Louis Obispo.  The offer was awesome, but I did not think it was worth moving to California. 

I started looking at Bakersfield, California on Google Earth.  It made my stomach hurt.  It did not matter where I looked, it looked like a dump.  Then I put Bakersfield, California into the search bar on YouTube.  I was horrified!  There was not one video that seemed positive.  My stomach hurt even more.  I then put Gilbert, Arizona in the search bar on YouTube.  Everything that came up was tranquil.  It was video after video about how wonderful Gilbert, Arizona is to live.  

Brian asked me to visit Bakersfield.  We woke up very early in the morning to catch our flight.  I was sooo grumpy.  I said, “I don’t know why we are visiting Bakersfield because I already know I am going to hate it.”  I was also annoyed that it was still dark outside and I was cold.  It reminded me of going to A-hour in high school.  I feel bad because Brian was kind, as always, but I was just trying to show him how much I disapproved of living anywhere in California, yet alone Bakersfield!

We landed in Bakersfield.  I expected it to look like all the areas I had seen on Google Earth.  There were large trees and green everywhere.  We rented a car and started driving.  I kept waiting to see the dumps and ghetto neighborhoods.  Brian showed me many different neighborhoods and they were all nicer than the house we had sold in Gilbert.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Brian took me to lunch at a super yummy and fun place.  We continued looking at neighborhoods that day.  I was sincerely shocked at how many nice neighborhoods there were in Bakersfield.  Visiting Bakersfield opened my mind.  I was still not sure if I would move there, but my mind opened a crack instead of being closed and with 12 bolt locks.

I started praying about Bakersfield.  I knew that Heavenly Father was leaving it up to me and Brian.  I wanted to feel good about each step we were making and it was pretty shocking that I was even considering moving to Bakersfield, California.  We could either stay with Brian’s current company and live in Idaho, or switch companies and live in California.  We obviously have chosen Bakersfield California with Grimmway. 

We have been on quite the roller-coaster.  I am praying that we will feel settled in Bakersfield.  My home, neighborhood and church congregation are very important to me.  It will be strange to not have family and friends that I have known forever right around us.

If there is one thing I have learned throughout my life then it is that the only consistent thing in life is change.  I pictured my life a certain way when I got married to Brian.  I assumed I would have eight children and live on farmland with a lot of animals.  Soon after I got married I found out that I would not be able to have children naturally.  Those eight children turned into two.  It may sound strange to some but I feel so blessed to have my two girls!  I do not feel a loss because I don’t have more children.  Ten years into our marriage, I became very ill and learned I have a brain disorder.  I would change having a brain disorder if I could.  I still don’t understand why it happened.  My greatest blessing in life has been being a wife and mother.  A big trial that I have gone through is realizing that our children have their own free will and agency.  We dream of our children’s future and their lives more than what we realize when they are younger.  We think we have more control than we do. We teach them right from wrong from the time they are born. We can do everything in our power to try to influence their choices and teach them the way to happiness and they still may choose a different path.  I still find so much joy in both of my beautiful girls.  I know that Heavenly Father is aware of them and loves them.  They each have their own talents and strengths.  I would not trade them for any other girls on earth. 

 

My life has not looked like the life that I pictured when I first got married, but I have felt blessed.  I could write another novel about all my blessings and the miracles that have happened throughout my life.  I will do that someday. 

We will be moving in the next few weeks to Bakersfield, California.  I will miss Mesa and Gilbert.  I will miss living by family and friends.  I look forward to an adventure that I never saw coming.  Two things can be true at the same time.

BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA

I held off telling people we were moving because I hate goodbyes.  I will be visiting Gilbert often especially because my mom is here.  Oh!  My mom was going to move with us to Texas, but she refuses to move to California.  We will see as time goes by what she feels.  I have just started my campaign on getting her to move to California.  She hasn’t seen my best tactics yet.  My mom is surrounded by the most amazing neighbors and friends.  She has been blessed with the best angels on this earth.        

I just hope that when you see me driving down Gilbert Road with my California license plate that you won't be cussing under your breath at me.😂  I will always be an Arizona girl!