God has an Interesting Sense of Humor!

Seven years ago, on Halloween, my life changed forever, and not in a positive way.

12 years ago Brian was the clerk for our ward and I was the Primary Chorister.

10 years ago Brian was the Executive Secretary for our ward.  I was in the Stake Young Women's Presidency of our Stake.

9 years ago Brian was in our ward's Bishopric.

7 years ago our ward was being split and some people came up to me and would say, "It's Brian, hu?" Or, "Brian would make a great Bishop."  I did not know how to feel or think about those statements. I love my husband and know he is a wonderful man, but who thinks of things like that?  Not me. And who wants something like that?  Definitely not me!  Well, our wonderful Home Teacher was called to be Bishop of our ward and Brian was called as his First Counselor.  The Lord knew what he was doing.  Our ward was blessed to have the bishop that was called.  He was perfect for that ward and he blessed our lives in ways I did not foresee.

Life was great!  I was, and our family was, doing everything "right."  My little six year old knew most all the Articles of Faith.  We read scriptures every morning and then would memorize scripture mastery scriptures.  We had Family Home Evening without fail every Monday night and the lessons were planned out and pretty much ideal.  My girls loved going to the farm with their daddy and he would play with them every night.  We also had family prayers every morning and every night.  Brian and I said couples prayers and our own individual prayers every night also.  Our home was organized and clean.  We watched all four sessions of conference.  We went to every church meeting and every church activity.  We listened to primary songs in the car and my girls knew all the primary songs for the year.  My six year old knew how to read, add and subtract.  I basically would home school her besides her going to school.  I loved my friendships with the ladies in my ward.  I did my visiting teaching and Brian did his home teaching without fail.  We attended the temple once a month.  I would run 3 miles with my friend every day except Sundays.  Brian and I had date night every Friday or Saturday night.  I made dinner most every evening.  It was routine and natural to us.  I felt like we were good examples of doing what is right and living righteously.  Our favorite times were spent as a family.

A few months later I got very ill and Brian was released from his calling.  His family needed him.  I needed him more than anyone else on Earth.

I had no idea that my life would become a living hell and that I would be humbled in EVERY WAY!!!  

For 4-5 years I felt sick most days.  I did not drive, I did not cook, I did not read, I rarely looked at a computer, I did not text, I rarely used a cell phone, I left the house very few times and forgot how it felt to live among the outside world.  I did not do those things because all of those activities made me sick.  Opened window blinds made me sick, going to the grocery store made me sick because of all the items on the shelves, turning fans on made me sick, blinking lights made me sick, Christmas lights made me sick, annoying noises or the toilet flushing would make me sick.  The church lights made me sick.  Leaves moving on trees made me sick.  Basically, life made me sick.  And I mean, REALLY sick.  I felt like throwing up 24/7 or I would have a debilitating headache, which was just added to the nausea.

The first year was the worst because I had other medical problems on top of it.  If I had only had one medical issue without all of my problems, it probably would not be any big deal, but added to everything else my body was going through - it was miserable.  I got thrush and while having thrush all over my mouth I also had acid eating away at my duodenum (intestines) and my esophagus.  Then one night I felt like I was going to pass out because my body was so miserable and couldn't handle it anymore, and I started peeing blood.  And don't get me started on my bowels.  My legs were shaky.  It was hard for me to walk to the toilet and back to bed or the couch so Brian got a porta potty to put right by me.  I remember one night in particular when I tried to concentrate on a certain dark spot when I would close my eyes.  I would pray over and over, "Please make this go away, please make this go away."  All I ever did was cry.  I felt like I was dying and I did not want to die.  At the same time I did not want a life full of pain and suffering.  I got blessings and it just seemed like I would get worse.  I remember the bishop at the time gave me a blessing that said that I would get better and be able to live life.  At that point in time I was asking myself, "How?"  When I would have the littlest thought that there might be a chance for me to get better, well, I would just get worse.  It is very hard to have hope when everything seems to just keep getting worse and worse.  I would pray ALL the time.

Yes, I would pray constantly, but I did not feel as though God was listening.  I felt abandoned.  I really believed that I was just one person on this Earth of many, and that God had many more important people to deal with and many more important things going on in the World.  I truly believed that I was abandoned.  I felt the loneliest I have ever felt.  I didn't know that misery and loneliness like what I was going through actually existed.  I knew how it felt to feel sad, lonely, heart broken, sick, confused, etc.  But I had NO idea how extreme misery, loneliness, abandonment, depression, hopelessness, and illness could be.  It truly feels like hell.  It is my definition of hell.

People would tell me uplifting stories about people conquering some trial.  Or they would share a scripture with me or think it was just a splendid idea for me to listen to hymns.  Well, when you are unable to live life and you can't see an end in sight, those stories don't help AT ALL!!  I would think, "Well, yay for that person.  Why can't I have some miracle occur!"  I have learned complete empathy for those that are going through trials.  Each person is going through his/her own trial.  Another person's experience did not help me with what was going on in my life, if you want to call it a life.  Also, hymns made me think of funerals and only depressed me.  Scriptures were not going to suddenly take the misery away.  

Kendra had to stop gymnastics and piano lessons at that time, which we could give a rats petunia about at that time.  I could not do anything for my children - at all.  My goal was to say, "I love you, good morning"  And, "I love you, goodnight."  Kessa was three and Kendra was 6 at the time I got sick.  They could not run around or make noise in the house.  They could not play at home or do much at home other than wake up and get ready for the day and come home and go to bed.  It was beyond depressing.  It was miserable.  All I wanted to do was be a mom, and I couldn't mother my children.

So many people were willing to help.  The problem was that I could not be the person I used to be.  I was the complete opposite of what I had been.  I was always bubbly, hopeful, and positive.  Now I was depressed in body and spirit, sickly, hopeless, and it was impossible to smile when so sick.  I did not want to talk to anyone because I had absolutely no energy.  It actually would make me feel even more sick.  There were so many people that helped our family, and they never got a thank you card or an official thank you.  I was taught to always give a thank you card to those that help.  Well, when two years go by and you are going through the same darn trial, well, thank you cards are not at the top of the priority list.  I hope that at some point I have told those that helped our family "thank you."  My sister, Carrie, made us dinner sometimes.  She also would take Kendra to school or have her stay after school with her and then bring her home.  My sister Carrie was a teacher at the school Kendra attended.  She also started teaching Kendra piano lessons for free.  It was a HUGE blessing that she moved down the street from us when I was sick.  She was gone most days working, but she helped my children so much, which was the most important thing to me.  My mom taught school in Mesa, so she was unable to help me much unless she was on a break or it was a weekend.  She took my girls to the Zoo and did other fun activities with them when she was able.  Throughout the past seven years she has tutored my kids in school, made dinners for my family, cleaned my house multiple times, let me vent and cry while she just listens, and much, much more.  No one can take the place of a Mom, even when one is also a Mom.  I would have had her move in with us if possible!  My dad was also willing to do anything to help us.  He was already retired and he was willing to come to my house everyday.  The only thing was that he isn't a Mom or a girl, so it was a little harder.   I could tell my dad was extremely upset about me being sick.  I think everyone was, but he is so easy to read.  It was difficult for him not to show his emotions and so it made it hard for me to see, which was not a good thing while sick.  I realize that my dad's heart was breaking.  He loves his daughters so much and he would do anything for us.  Over the years he has taken Kendra to gymnastics many times a week, come over to my house multiple days a week to read to me, driven me places, and pretty much dropped everything in his life if I need him.  Brian's parents were in the Mesa temple presidency when I got sick.  I had no idea that temple presidency peeps have to be in the temple 24/7 and they have to be there with a spouse.  So, his mom couldn't just take off and help us any time she wanted. She did come and clean our disgusting bathrooms and wash our clothes often.  What a blessing!  She has also driven Kendra to gymnastics every week.  My dad and my Mother -in-Law would take turns taking her to gymnastics.  My sister, Amy, would come and try to help in any way possible.  She also did laundry and would just sit with me.  My sister-in-law, Leanne, was very busy at the time with her 5 kids, but she would come over sometimes in the middle of the day just to sit with me.  She also would have Kendra and Kessa come to her house to hang out.  It was a relief to me and Brian that our girls had places they could go where they were loved and safe.  It was very hard that I was not the person to give them that love and attention, but what a blessing to know that others care for my girls.  My girls would sometimes be watched by others that they did not know as well, and that was very hard, but we were so grateful.  My girls were tossed around and it was just one more added stress to everything else.  The only time I did not feel that stress is when they were with other family members, especially their grandmas.  Brian missed sooooo much work and he is who makes the farm run.  His employee, a foreman, David Posey, literally took all of Brian's responsibilities and ran the farm.  Now he is one person I need to write a thank you note, even all these years later.  He was literally a lifesaver.  The farm would not have kept running smoothly without him.  I am so grateful to him and his wife!  Also, I am grateful to my brother-in-law's, David and Kase, for being so patient and caring towards Brian.  The three of them are the owner's of the farm.  They each have different responsibilities and without one of them the farm does not function well,  So, for Brian to be gone so much and for them to be caring instead of annoyed, well, it shows what family is all about.  That is why I am truly, truly, sincerely, sooooooo grateful to David Posey for stepping in and getting the job done.  Okay, I am crying right now.

Brian is the one that I am most grateful for.  This trial was not just mine.  Believe me!  I would choose to be the caregiver any day rather than the one being cared for.  It is humiliating to have to rely on others for EVERYTHING.  I am an independent person and it was beyond humbling to HAVE to rely on others.  Brian had all of his responsibilities and then had to take on all of my responsibilities while he was worried and depressed over his wife.  He went through trials of faith also.  He felt abandoned also.  He felt that his prayers were not heard and wondered if Heavenly Father even was aware of us.  One night I had actually dozed off, but woke up from a nightmare.  Brian was not near me and I got a little panicked because I needed to use the restroom.  I looked across the room and he had fallen asleep on the floor.  He was laying on top of an Ensign magazine that he must have been reading, and a flashlight was still on next to him.  When the light was turned on I saw tear marks on the Ensign.  We both tried to have faith.  I remember us talking about the Savior healing the lepers and the blind.  Why couldn't he just heal me?  I know that I felt unseen and unheard.  I now know that is what Brian was going through also.  

Another thing I realized while I was really sick was that I had had a GREAT life and that I had been way more amazing than what I thought I was.  I realized that fears I had were ridiculous and that to have any opportunity in life is a blessing.  Just waking up in the morning and feeling well is a HUGE blessing!!!!  To be able to sing is a blessing (I was unable to sing for a time).  To laugh is a blessing.  To smile is a blessing.  To get up every day and have choices is a blessing!  I went through mourning who I had been.  I mourned a life that I would never have again.  I mourned the time that was lost spent with my children.  I mourned being the wife that I had been.  I wondered why Brian would want to be married to a sick person that only had energy to cry.  I had nightmares that he would leave me.  I really only ever had nightmares when I would close my eyes.  I couldn't actually fall asleep into a deep sleep.  If anyone wonders why I love to sleep so much now, it is because I absolutely LOVE to sleep.  Sleep is a blessing and is soooo amazing!  It is comforting and relaxing and I love to sleep a little too much now!  I mourned EVERY aspect of my life.

I tried to bargain or make deals with God.  I would say to Heavenly Father, "If I felt better I would say yes to singing solos in church.  I would serve with all my heart."  I would say, "I would be able to handle the annoyance of having thrush or the pain of esophagitis.  Just make the other things go away."  I would also say, "I will never complain about dirty dishes or folding clothes again!  I will fold all day long if you just make me better!"  It was hard to hear anyone from the outside world that would come over.  They would talk about normal everyday things.  They would complain about everyday things.  It made me depressed.  I was never a depressed person.  I love to smile and laugh and enjoy life.  But I was extremely depressed.  I realize now that most people with chronic illness or disease are depressed.  The spirit and body are way more connected than I ever realized before.  My body was depressed because of illness, so my spirit was depressed also.  The chemicals in my brain changed because of the trauma I was feeling.

One night I was laying in bed.  My body could never relax because it was too miserable.  I could get more relaxed when Brian would rub my legs.  I asked him to rub my legs and he started to rub my legs.  Brian was exhausted because he was taking care of everyone and having the pressure to do everything.  He was unable to stay awake.  I was so miserable and the only time I would get a little edge taken off the misery was when he would rub my legs. My legs were jello and I don't know if the rubbing made me concentrate on his touch and not all the misery or what.  But somehow it would relax me a little bit.  It was impossible for him to keep his eyes open and he would stop rubbing which would cause me to get a jolt of pain.  I would nudge him awake and beg him to please rub my legs.  He would start to rub my legs and 30 seconds later he would be asleep.  I was all alone.  I laid there and prayed.  The image that came to my mind was the image of the Savior in Gethsemane.  He asked his apostles to stay awake, but they were too tired.   He tried to wake them up.  He did not want to feel all alone.  He wanted support from those he loved. That is what I wanted.  I wanted for Brian to stay awake with me for support and a little comfort.

The apostles could not stay awake.  Jesus felt abandoned and alone.  He was in agony.  The Savior prayed to God to relieve him of some of his pain and suffering.
Heavenly Father sent angels to buoy him up.



It was hard for me to imagine that an angel would come help me because I am not the Savior and I am very imperfect and I am not suffering for all of mankind.

I wonder now if I did have an angel with me.  Maybe one day I will know.  I realized that the Savior was the only one that could know my suffering and misery.  Not even Brian could know exactly what I was going through or what it felt to be me.  Just like I did not know exactly what Brian was going through and the pains of his heart.  Brian and I have always been very close and leaned on each other. We have always felt connected.  During this time we both felt very alone.  We could not lean on each other.  Brian wanted to take everything away from me that I was going through, but he realized he couldn't which made him feel helpless as a husband.  It is a very lonely feeling to realize that the only person that knows what one is going through is the Savior.  I felt that the only person there was the Savior.  My thoughts were constantly on the Savior and his life.  At the same time, I wondered if all the promises he gave applied to me because it sure didn't feel like it.  I really did not think that Heavenly Father was hearing my pleas or even aware of me.  I still prayed.  I prayed constantly.  I was so desperate.

Two years later we moved to Morrison Ranch.  I still felt sick most days, but not as extremely miserable as I was the first year I was sick.   I had been blessed with a neurologist that miraculously figured out the cause of my problems.  I had been to what felt like a bazillion specialists.  He was the first neurologist I was sent to and I thought, "Why am I being sent to a neurologist?  I am nauseated beyond belief, I can't do anything, I have problems in other areas of my body - not my brain!"  The neurologist ended up being the director at the Barrow Neurological Center.  He figured out what was wrong right away!  I thought it was too good to be true!  Another issue I had was that I did not have a good relationship with medications or operations.  I have always had bad experiences with medications and especially with operations.  So, when he wanted to prescribe me medications I was weary.  He also told me that my case was extreme and that for it to permanently go away was close to zero.  That news was VERY depressing.  I pictured a life of solitary confinement to my home and barely being part of my family's lives.  I started the medication and it helped some, but it most definitely did not bring back my life.

I was able to be part of my children's lives to an extent, but I was unable to help them with their homework, drive them around, cook dinner or make lunches.  My girls ate fast food most nights for dinner.  I was unable to do their hair.  It was hard to care about what was going on at school or church.  Brian and I tried our hardest to just do the bare minimum.  I would walk around the block for exercise, and I tried to go places and help make my children enjoy their childhood.  The only places I would usually go had to do with my children.  Often times I would go to watch them in their Halloween parade, or compete in gymnastics, or go to a mother/daughter activity, or put on a little birthday party for them,  and I would feel like puking the entire time.  I am sure people have thought that I am bi-polar or something of that nature, which I am not.  I also do not suffer from depression.  Yes, I get very depressed when I am sick, but I do not suffer from chronic depression.  I definitely know what it is to be depressed and I have empathy for those that suffer from depression.   I have not been a great friend because it has been extremely hard for me to do anything more than be part of my children's lives and my husband's life. It has not been a goal for me to be part of the social circles at church.  I, in no way, feel left out or desire it.  I do desire to be friends with others, but I do not feel like I need to be at every social event.  I would rather be at home with my family.  Those programs and activities are there for a reason.  They are uplifting and positive and it is a great way to be around others that are striving to live the gospel.  But my greatest desire is to spend as much time as possible with my family.  I am sure that will change someday and I will need to to go to Enrichment and other activities.  Probably when my kids are out of the house.  LOL.  Everything revolves around our family life.

The outside world disappeared and we focused on the bare minimum - which are the things that matter most in this life.  It was hard to put scripture study or Family Home Evening as a priority, but I will say that our family was extremely close at this time.  We never stopped praying.  I went to church half the time which was a step up from never being able to go.  Outside people did not matter to us at all, our family was the only thing that mattered to us.  We didn't care if people thought we were less active or if they judged us in other ways.  We realized that our relationship with God and our family were the only things we cared about.  We had never had to rely so much on the Savior, God, or each other.

One day Brian told me that our bishop wanted to come over to visit with us.  I immediately got a wall up.  I did not want to be the family that needs help or service.  In the ward I was in before we moved to Gilbert, everyone gave me pity looks.  I know they cared, but it was hard to see.  My daughter would come home from school and ask me if I was going to die because one of her friends asked her if I was going to die.  I just wanted to live my life with my family, go to church, and come home back to my family.  I did not want the outside to pity us or get involved in our hardships.  Bishop Allen came over.  I shook his hand and we invited him in to sit.  I had a major wall up.  I was polite, but I did not want him pushing his way or anyone's way into our family.  I can't remember everything he said, but I remember the gist.  He talked about how in our times of need that Heavenly Father sends others to serve us through Him.  I was like, "NOOOO!  No way!"   Then he showed me a book that is filled with art of the Savior.  He told me that he saw this particular picture and he thought of me.  He opened the book up to a picture that I had never seen before. It was the Savior in Gethsemane with angels around him to buoy him up.  I burst into tears.  My walls crumbled down.   It was the image I had in my head many times in lonely, miserable moments.  The bishop did not know that the painting he showed me was an image that was very personal and deep in my heart.  How did he know that his words would not impact me, but that picture touched my soul in a way that nothing else could have?  The ward started bringing us meals twice a week (because I was still headstrong about not having too much help).  My girls were able to eat a home cooked meal that was not fast food, and I did not realize how much it would help Brian not stress about dinners.  The service was not just for me, it was for my entire family.  I still have not found that picture he showed me, but I am going to find out and I hope to put it in Brian's office.  

Fast forward a few years and my doctor decided to try another combination of medications.  He did not like that I was still unable to drive or do a lot of things.  So, I started this combination of medications, and week by week I felt I was able to do more.  I have been able to drive for the past year and a half.  I can do most everything that I used to be able to do.  I have to watch myself though.  I can't fly or go on a cruise or go on roller coasters.  If I cry or if I don't get enough sleep then I do not feel well.  If I forget to take my medication then I will feel sick the next day.  I will gladly give up vacations to be able to be present in my family's lives.  I did go on a vacation and it was THE BEST!!!  I appreciated every single thing that I wouldn't have given two seconds thought about before I got sick.  We were able to take a road trip across the country and visit my sister in Maryland!!  It was the BEST trip EVER!!  I got sick a few times, but it was managed and everyone ended having the GREATEST time!!  I have to be careful.  Some days I will suddenly get sick as I am driving or texting or on the computer or reading.  It is weird.  I will be fine for a few weeks and then boom!  I get sick over something ridiculous.  I don't feel it coming.  I can't tell that it is going to come on.  I do not like taking medications, but at the same time I feel like a miracle has occurred.  It IS a miracle!  My neurologist may not know me like my family knows me, but I consider him someone that has been a main pivotal person in my life.  I am so grateful to him for sacrificing years to learn everything he knows about the function of the brain.  I am grateful for HIS brain and for serving those that deal with all types of neurological disorders and diseases to try and give them a better quality of life.  Needless to say, he is on my Christmas card list.  I gave him a hug one time and I don't think he knew how to react, but I know he could feel how because of him my life has become a life instead of a living hell.  I am scared sometimes.  I have triggers that bring up fears from everything that I have been through.  I will have dreams that I am sick again.  There are certain places that are triggers.  There are smells that are triggers.  There are situations that bring on triggers.

One of my triggers is leadership callings in our church.  When everything occurred, Brian was in a leadership position in our church and we were doing everything right (at least on paper).  Thinking about leadership callings puts fear in me.

I have learned over the years that it is great to strive to do everything right, but it also reminds me of the story of Martha and Mary, and also the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law.  I am not so rigid about everything now.  I don't think I was rigid before I got ill either, but at the time I could have marked everything we were doing off on a list.  Now I feel that more goes on in my heart.  We aren't perfect about reading scriptures, but we do try.  I have been a terrible visiting teacher, but I am getting better now.  Brian has always been a great home teacher, but as you can see, I definitely can't check things off a list.  We will get off for a few days of scripture study and in some cases weeks, and then we will talk and start up again.  Life is constantly changing and we have learned that we aren't going to be condemned because we do not do everything like robots and everything can't be checked off on a checklist everyday.  We strive to do what is right, but we don't put pressure on ourselves to do everything perfect, and we don't feel guilty about it.  We just try to do better.  To be able to do anything is a miracle!  If someone is in need or I get a prompting about anything, anything on a "list" goes out the window!  Everyone is in different places in his/her life.  So one person's better is not another's better.  I have more empathy than I have ever had in my life.  I have gained so much experience by the trials I have gone through.  At the same time I have weaknesses in areas that used to be strengths.  Some strengths have become weaknesses and some weaknesses have become strengths.

If someone asks me, "Are you grateful for this trial?"  I would have to answer no.  If I answered yes then I would be a liar.  I am not grateful for this trial.  I would change it in a heartbeat if I could.  My entire family makes wishes on their birthday cakes that I will get better.  So, no, I am not grateful for this trial.  I am grateful for what I have learned, but I would still go back and not get ill.  I have missed so many years not perfecting talents or being the mother and wife that I could have been.  I have not gotten to a place where I can say that I am grateful.  I have gotten to a place where I am able to say I am grateful for everything that I have learned though.

About two weeks ago the Stake presidency called our home.  Kessa answered the home phone (which no one ever calls that we actually know.  It is always a salesman or a political message).  She took a message from the Stake.  She gave the message to Brian.  Brian called the Stake Executive Secretary back.  The Stake President wanted to meet with us the next day which was a Friday and happened to be Veteran's Day.  They told Brian to bring in his wife.  Well, the moment I heard what they said I was a little upset.  I told Brian, "The calling better not be for me!  I will say no!"  I am sure that is not what people are used to hearing in our church.  The thing is that I have been in leadership callings.  I have barely gotten to a point where I am part of every single aspect of my daughter's lives again.  Kendra is now 14!  Kessa is almost 11!  Every single day, including when they drive me insane, is a blessing!  I remember the first time I got in a major argument with one of my girls.  I was so upset when Brian got home.  And then I said, "Isn't it awesome that I can have an argument with our girls?  It is soooo cool that I am able to have the energy to even be a parent and to get in a normal argument about a normal thing with my kid!"  All I want to do is be a mom and wife!!!!!  So, at this time in my life I feel that is what I need to do.  So, as I was freaking out that maybe I was getting a calling I told Brian, "The calling better be for you!  I don't care what calling it is, I will be the MOST supportive wife.  I will NEVER complain!"  After I thought about it for more than a minute, I realized that the calling would be for Brian.  I didn't think about it much, even though I wondered why the heck we were going to the Stake President's office on Veteran's Day.

The Stake President asked to speak to me first.  He is so sweet.  He remembered a conversation I had with him that took place probably 4 years ago!  I talked to him about my struggles and he remembered all of it.  It meant so much to me.  He asked about my girls and if they are involved in extracurricular activities, how they are with friends, and how they are in general.  He told me that our lives were about to change.  Right then my stomach started having butterflies.  I wondered what kind of calling would change our lives.  I wasn't sure if I wanted Brian in a calling that "would change our lives."  I would spend 24/7 with my husband if we could survive without him having a job.  I am serious too, just ask him.  I love to be with Brian.  I love to see him with his girls.  He is the best husband and father.  He is so kind to me.  He has never said one bad word about me or towards me. It isn't like we have never had disagreements, because we do have disagreements.  Brian loves to tease me and I like to get a reaction out of him.  We are best friends and we care about how the other's feeling.  We respect each other.  Up to this point in the Stake President's office I was not wanting to give up any of my time with Brian.  Then the Stake President asked me, "What kind of husband is Brian?"  Right then a feeling came over me.  A feeling of love for my husband.  I thought about how amazing he is.  He is the most loving and accepting man I have ever met.  I knew then that whatever the calling, my husband's qualities and spirit are needed.  That was not the end of the conversation, but after we talked, Brian met with the Stake President.  Then he brought both of us in.  He started to read a letter from the First Presidency.  I had no idea what it was, but Brian knew right away.  Brian was called to be Bishop of the Elliot Groves Ward.  My stomach did a flip.  Brian was in shock.  It was the last thing we were expecting.  One of the thoughts that ran through my mind in those first few moments was, "I am so blessed that we are ABLE to serve."  I definitely know how it feels to not be able to serve.  It is a glorious feeling to be able to serve and to actually be able to say, "Yes, we can do this!"  Brian keeps joking around about how I am going to be the MOST supportive wife and NEVER complain.

I think about all those years ago when people in our ward speculated about whom was going to be bishop and that it might be Brian.  I know that if Brian had been called at that time he would have been a wonderful Bishop; But everything we have gone through these past 7 years has changed us. Our minds were not anywhere close to thinking about any calling, let alone bishop.  It isn't something we would choose for ourselves.  If it hadn't been the Holy Ghost that touched my heart in the Stake President's office, I don't know what I would be feeling right now.

We no longer think the same as we did 7 years ago.  We see everyone and everything differently.  I think we seemed perfect on the outside back then.  And believe me, I wish I could have those days back.  We felt great and we were doing great.  But now I am not worried about people seeing my imperfections, because guess what?!  I am so imperfect!  My mind is open to those that struggle.  My heart feels empathy, not just sympathy.  I have learned it doesn't matter if others judge when I know that I am doing my best and Heavenly Father and my Savior know me.  I know Brian is the same way and his heart has gone through the same changes.  We care about others on this path we all call life.  This life is a test and the people around us need help.  I have talked to Brian and we have pondered on how much our bishop's have helped us while we have gone through doubts, pain, and suffering.  Brian is worried that he will not be able to spend the amount of time with his family that he desires.  Then I brought up the times that our bishops came to us when we were at our lowest and what a great impact they were to us in our times of need.  I told him that I would never want him to ignore the prompting to go help someone that is suffering.  I know how those promptings can help someone's spirit.  It doesn't take away the trial, but it can help one's heart and mind have promptings that may not have come otherwise.  It may just lift them up in that moment or give them a glimmer of hope.

As I sat in the Stake Presidents office I had the thought come to my head, "Maybe Heavenly Father is aware of me.  Maybe he was preparing me so I could understand and help others."    

Kennyroohoo

Kennyroohoo

I know exactly what I was doing on this day 14 years ago (now 16 years ago).  It was the day before I would deliver my sweet Kendra Star Layton.  After going through fertility treatments, I was able to get pregnant through in vitro fertilization.  The pregnancy was hellish.  I could not wait to get that baby out of me. My biggest fear was that I would still feel sick after delivering Kendra.  I could not remember how it felt to feel good.  Because I had been in preterm labor for a few months, I was dilated to a seven when I went into the hospital to deliver Kendra.  She was delivered in 45 minutes!  I do not think my body could have done more then that because of lack of muscle and nutrition.  It took me a long time after my delivery to have any strength.  I would do it all over again to have Kendra in my life.  She has been the easiest child to raise.  Here are ten things about Kendra's life or things I love about Kendra:

1.  We called Kendra "Young Buck" or "Buckaroo" when she was a little girl.  The nickname has morphed into "Kennyroo" now that she is older.  From the time she was crawling she loved horses, the farm, bugs, cows, and anything outdoors.  Her dad would play horse with her almost every night before bed.  She was the cowgirl and the owner of the horse.  The horse was always doing something naughty which would make Kendra get the giggles.  Kendra started running like a horse by the time she was three.  She could trot, run, gallop, and canter.  When friends or cousins wanted to play make believe or anything for that matter, Kendra was always the horse.  Kendra played with a doll one time right after Kessa was born.  She saw how I would feed Kessa a bottle and change her diaper, so she wanted to do it with a doll.  That was the extent of Kendra playing with anything girly.  She was never interested in barbies, fairies, princesses or dress-up unless it was to dress-up like a cowgirl.   She liked watching Monster's Inc., Toy Story, Robin Hood, Fox and the Hound over any Disney Princess movie.  She also loooooved Elmo.  I would find Kendra outside in cowgirl boots and her panties playing in the dirt.  I swear she was a cowgirl in the preexistence.  Kendra went through a LOOOOONG phase of watching the horse movie "Spirit."  She was obsessed with Spirit.  She memorized everything Spirit would do and she would copy him.  If I wanted to get something done with no interruptions I would turn on Spirit.  I figured she was getting exercise also by running around like a horse the entire show!  Kendra still has her stuffed animal horse from when she was a little girl.  The horse's name is Spirit, of course.  We would never have gotten horses so early in life if it had not been for Kendra.  Her daddy and horses were her first loves.  We got a pony and a horse when she was in Kindergarten.  We have had about 7-8 horses since then.  Kendra's love of horses has not wavered.  She may not run around like a horse anymore or set up her toy horses and stables all over the family room, but she is just as much in love with horses now as she was when she was a little girl.  She is feminine, but she is definitely not girly.  She prefers mucking up stalls over going to a salon or shopping.  She does not run around like a horse anymore, but she still knows how!  If you really want to embarrass her, then ask her to run like a horse.

   *Putting on her "pretties"

*It may look like Kendra is torturing our cat, but Shosko and all of our animals have adored Kendra.  Shosko followed Kendra around all day.  They did everything together.  Kendra would get in the rabbits cage to check things out.   Often times I would find pictures in Floppy's cage that Kendra had colored for him. 

*Animals love Kendra.  This was our bunny Floppy.  He did not run away from Kendra.  He would come to Kendra and put his paws up on  her legs (like a dog) so that she would pick him up.  He would follow Kendra around everywhere just like our cat Shosko.  Floppy did not try to get out of Kendra's arms.  He loved her carrying him around.   She has a way with animals.  I think it is her sweet, sensitive spirit.

 *This was Kendra's normal attire.  Most of the time it was just cowgirl boots and panties.

*Kendra would find creatures wherever we would go.  She found this snail in California and called him Goober.  He didn't last long.  

 *A baby frog she found at the Ranch

*I think this was a lizard.  Kendra was always catching lizards and wanting to keep them for pets.

 *Kendra and Kessa with our very first Angus cow that Kendra named Angie.  Brian was given strict instructions to never slaughter Angie.

 *Kendra is of course a horse while Kessa is the owner of the horse.

 *Kendra's first pony, Boots, and first horse, Choppo.  Choppo was very old when we got him.  He lived for about 10 years after we got him, but we couldn't ride him because he was so old.

 *I don't know what it is with Kendra and animals.  We were at Disneyland and went to the petting zoo.  All of the goats and sheep started congregating around Kendra.  There was a bunch of other people there, but they wanted Kendra.  Kendra could do whatever she wanted with them and they didn't care.  Kessa tried to pet the animals but the animals wanted nothing to do with Kessa.  In fact, she was minding her own business and a big goat from across the way ran straight towards her and rammed her down to the ground!  It was so sad, but so funny.  Our girls are complete opposites!  

*Kendra loved her pet mouse, Panda.  I would hear Kendra talking to Panda underneath her covers at night.  She taught Panda some cool tricks.  When Panda died Kendra started crying.  She cried, "Who am I going to talk to when I am upset now?"  She truly connects with animals.

 *Another lizard

 Fishing with dad

*Dragonfly

*Kendra's first riding horse, Cody.  Her baptism announcement said, "Cody Neigh Layton would like to invite you to his owner's baptism."  

*Kendra reading her sister a book.  It's of course a horse book.

*Running down the stairs at the cabin like a horse.  Kendra would leap and jump just like a horse.  

*We had to bottle feed one of the baby cows because his mommy died giving him birth.  Kendra was obviously heading out to gymnastics.

*Brian has a jar full of rattles he has cut off of rattle snakes.  Brian and Kendra love scaring me.  They got home with this rattler head and put it on my shoulder.  Brian is holding the head and Kendra is holding the rattle.

*I LOVE this picture because it is so Kendra!  Kendra has learned that she has to wear clothes outside, but she is barefoot unless she is at school, church, or out and about.  Even when we go out and about she often times chooses to go barefoot.

*Kendra got home early from gymnastics and her activity of choice:  Hang out with the dogs.

I miss that long hair!

2.  Kendra has been extremely athletic from the time she could walk.  She climbed on everything!  She started walking and running at 9 months.  That was not good since she tried too many things all at once and would get hurt.  This caused many goose eggs and cuts on her face and body.  I felt like getting up at the pulpit on Fast Sunday to reassure everyone that Kendra was not being abused!  I taught tumbling in my garage when Kendra was 2 years old.  She was not part of the classes, but she would come and go as she pleased.  She picked up on everything super fast and could do things that my students could not do.  She did a back bend the first time she tried it.  Every person I have ever taught I have had to show them how to put their hands and how to push up.  Kendra did it on her own.  She started kicking over in her back bend soon after she learned the back bend.  I had never thought of signing Kendra up for gymnastics, but because she could do a cartwheel, back bend kick over, and handstands before she turned three, I decided to sign her up so that she could get stronger and coordinated.  I never thought she would still be in gymnastics for this long!  It was just something for fun to help her to be more athletic.  I really wanted her to play softball.  I loved softball when I was younger, but I never did Little League or organized sports.  I always wished I had played softball in my childhood, and so I guess that was my wish for Kendra.  We signed Kendra up for Little League as soon as she was old enough to play.  On one of her first games she was playing in the outfield.  A ball was hit and went to the outfield close to where she was standing.  Instead of running towards the

ball, she galloped like a horse.  She didn't even realize she did it!  It was just natural for her.  Made us
laugh.  As the years went on she actually became really good at softball, at least for that age.  She has always been coordinated and strong at everything she tries.  I LOVED watching her play softball. Brian loved gymnastics.  It was very flip-flopped since one would think it was the opposite.  Brian was not familiar with the sport of gymnastics until Kendra started taking gymnastics.  He now says there is no sport even close to the training gymnasts go through,.  So, he loved it for that reason.  He loves it still because he feels there are no athletes like gymnasts.  Which is true, but I was hoping she would pick team/school sports over gymnastics.  It got to a point where she was going to have to choose.  She chose gymnastics.  Gymnastics is right up there with her love for horses.  From a very young age she has had the goal to get an athletic scholarship to college. Gymnastics scholarships are very hard to receive.  It is practically impossible for an athlete to become an Elite Gymnast.  To become an Elite Gymnast is harder than making the NBA.  Odds are not good.  She is so driven.  We are not the ones that push her, she does that on her own.  We are the ones telling her to chill and slow down!  (We all know that since I wrote this that Kendra has stopped doing gymnastics and is cheering at Highland High School.  We talked to her about our concerns.  She placed 3rd at nationals and we knew that she could continue and get a college scholarship.  Our main concern was our daughter's overall happiness.  She came to the decision on her own, after thoughtful prayer, that she would stop gymnastics.  It has been very hard for her since she still loves gymnastics.  We never thought Kendra would be a cheerleader and she never thought she would be a cheerleader.  She misses being so in shape and the grueling gymnastics workouts, but she loves having more time and being able to have a more balanced life.)

*These were Kendra's first pair of roller skates.  She lived in her skates.

 *I love the picture of Kiana and Kendra below and to the right.  Kiana and Kendra started gymnastics together at Carter's Gymnastics Academy.  They are still teammates and they absolutely love each other.  This was taken on their first little competition called Mini Olympics.  They were part of a special class called Divos.  The parents came to see them "compete."   The judge (the head coach Jack) would hold up his score which consisted of papers that said, "Wow" or "Awesome" and other positive words.  It was soooo adorable!!!  It is obvious that Kendra and Kiana were so nervous in this picture.  

*Brian was always one of the coaches on Kendra's teams.

 *Kendra loved her skates.  She would skate around all day long.  My sisters would say that Kendra reminds them of me when I was that age skating around.  I lived in my skates also.  Now Kendra loves to skateboard.  I love that she has her High School Musical pajamas on.  Her first boy crush was Zac Efron.  Kendra did not believe me when I tried to explain to her that he is an actor and his actual name is Zac, not Troy.  She did not like that the movie wasn't real.  As she got older Brian told her that basketball players do not break out in dance and song.  LOL.  She watched High School Musical almost every day for many, MAAAANNY months.

 *Audrey and Kendra.  Audrey is still one of Kendra's teammates.  They have so much fun together.  Audrey makes Kendra laugh.

*Kendra loves to have a physical challenge.  She didn't know how to double dutch, so we took some jump ropes to the cabin and she learned practically the first time she tried it. 

*Kendra whooped everyone on recess in tether-ball, speed, and 4 square.   I was like that when it came to tether-ball and 4 square and I told her she better not disappoint me!  No, I never said that.  She picked it up herself.

 *Kendra is super competitive.  She had never done limbo before, but she was not about to lose.  And she didn't.  She beat the whole grade.  Don't mess with Kendra when she gets in her competitive mode.

It was very odd for Kendra to get anything other than 1st or 2nd place at all of her meets throughout her gymnastics career.  

One of the things I miss the most about Kendra being in gymnastics is the traveling for meets.  I loved the time I got to spend with our family.  I don't miss how much gymnastics costs though!

Kendra and Kiana

Kendra was doing a flip in the air above the beam and landed on the side of her leg on the beam.  The bruising went down to the tissue and muscle.  It finally healed.  Then she did the same exact thing in the same exact spot.  She now has permanent tissue damage and is going to get her leg operated on at the end of her junior year of high school.

Kendra only sustained one broken bone during her gymnastics career and it was a broken finger.  The doctor gave her a little brace thingy for her fingers so that her finger would not bend in the wrong direction.  Come to find out she never wore the finger brace at gymnastics and never told her coaches she had a broken finger.  A broken finger is nothing to a gymnast.  She also had a bad ankle sprain, but she learned from her coaches that resting a sprain doesn't help it heal any faster.  The ankle was huge, but she trained on it anyway.  Sure enough, the ankle healed over time. Most of her teammates had multiple broken bones, sprains, and operations due to injuries.  Kendra mainly endured scrapes and bruises, thank goodness!

Animals even follow Kendra to her gymnastics training.  haha.

Kendra was selected as a team member of the USA Region 1 team (Arizona,  California, Utah, Nevada, and Colorado) at the Westerns Nationals.  They take all the top-scoring gymnasts to compete against other regions top-scoring gymnasts.  Region 1 took first place against all the other regions.  Kendra was in first place the entire meet until her last event (beam).  She wobbled but did not fall.  Once a gymnast gets to that level the gymnast has to be perfect, or the gymnast will be knocked down immediately.  Kendra got 3rd overall.  She was the national bar champ.  She was an amazing gymnast. 

Kendra's head coach, Jack Carter.  Kendra loves Jack.  He could get Kendra to do anything.

3.   *I initially wrote this when Kendra barely turned 14 and most of her friends were only 13, but it still applies*  

Kendra wants to live the standards of our church.  In the Strength for Youth pamphlet it says that
girls and boys should not date until 16 years old.  Most of Kendra's friends have boyfriends or have had boyfriends and they are only in eighth grade.  Ya, I'm sure those relationships are going to stand the test of time.  LOL.  I don't know if Kendra is just known for refusing to date before she is sixteen, but no boy has asked her out since the first time she was asked out.  She liked this boy for a long time.  Well, I guess he liked her also because he ended up asking her to be his girlfriend.  I was so impressed by her reply to him.  She told him that she likes him also, but she is too young to date.  She told him that they could be friends though.  Girls are soooo boy crazy in junior high, well, and probably in high school also.  But junior high is so silly.  The other girls are very out-going and flirty.  Kendra is the type where you have to approach her and she is probably not talkative one-on-one at first.  She tries very hard though to put herself out there and to be friendly to everyone.  She is just not the type that walks into a room and is like, "HERE I AM EVERYONE!!"  A few months ago we were driving in the car and she says, "Mom, I wish a boy would ask me out and at the same time I don't want a boy to ask me out."  I was a little confused because I figured she was talking about when she turns sixteen.  So I asked, "Why wouldn't you want a boy to ask you out?"  She said, "Because then I will have to say no."  I just sat there confused and then a light bulb went off in my head and I realized she was talking about right now, not when she turns sixteen.  I realized that she wants a boy to ask her out because many of the girls around her "go steady" with the boys they all hang out with.  But no boys ask Kendra out so she is feeling like she isn't as cute or that the boys aren't into her as much as the girls she hangs out with.  The girls Kendra hangs out with are very cute, but so is Kendra.  The other girls are much more out there than Kendra though.  Another light bulb went off in my head.  I told Kendra, "Kendra I understand.  It would be very nice to have a cute boy show interest in you, but you aren't other girls.  You are a gem.  Are pearls and diamonds easily obtained? No, they aren't.  They are rare.  You are rare.  Some girls are easily obtained.  You are not.   To get you is not easy and boys know it.  It is much easier for them to go out with girls that are easy to get and where it doesn't take much effort."  (And sorry to say but there are girls that wear clothes that barely cover their lady bits and those girls definitely use that to their advantage when it comes to these young boys.)  Brian also told me that boys hormones are crazy in junior high.  He told me that he was mainly interested in kissing girls.  It wasn't until later in high school that he was turned off by a cute girl if she was too easy to get or she didn't have a strong character.  I am grateful that I had a light bulb moment.  I know it helped Kendra feel good.  She had a smile on her face after we talked.  I hope that someday, not today, but someday when it is the right time that boys will realize who the actual strong girls are, and I'm not talking about muscles, because Kendra's got plenty of those!

*This is a picture of a few of Kendra's cousins and her Layton grandparents after baptisms for the dead in the Gilbert, Arizona temple.  At one point she had three of her 4 grandparents that worked in the temple.  On this occasion she was able to see all three that day in the temple.

(I am now writing this on Kendra's 16th birthday.  Kendra has continued to choose the right and to be a blessing in our lives.  The gospel just makes sense to her.  She is not a stick in the mud at all though.  She likes to be with people that are just themselves and don't worry about every little thing.  She is a lot like me when it comes to having fun. She doesn't care when people talk about sex or make jokes.  She isn't judgmental.  She just wants to have fun.  She tends to want to hangout with people that are good, but not uptight and constantly trying to show their "worthiness".  She has friends of all different religions and races. She has had crushes on boys that are Mormon and boys that are not Mormon.  People that don't know her think that she is all proper and stuff, but nope!  Not at all!!  Kendra is genuinely kind.  She is a good example to me of loving others as the Savior loved.  She knows who she is.)

4.  Kendra is not perfect.  I do not want it to sound like she is perfect.  Kendra knows her weaknesses.  Kendra is majorly stubborn.  Thank goodness the things she is stubborn over have nothing to do with choosing the right.  If Kendra gets something in her head she will be determined about it.  So, the determination she has in being a great athlete and a great student and making sure all her chores are done and practicing her piano and going to mutual...well, that determination can come out with other things as well.  So, if she gets it in her head that we are going to go horse back riding the following day because her dad said, "Maybe," she will not give up on going even if we say it isn't going to work out.  She will try to figure out a way to make it work and she will argue every reason why we should be able to go.  Drives me NUTS!!!  She is also stubborn if I want her to do something she doesn't want to do.  One time I asked her if she would run like a horse for this little girl that was trying to walk like a horse.  The little girl wanted her to do it so badly and I looked at Kendra like, "You are doing it!"  Nope!  She refused because she was embarrassed to do it.  If Kendra thinks in any way she will be embarrassed she will be soooo stubborn about it.  I guess I am just as stubborn.  Those are the times we butt heads.  I am the type that could care less about making a fool of myself and Kendra is the type that would rather just observe and not be the center of attention.  Kendra does not want attention and she definitely does not need others to determine who she is. 

Kendra does NOT like change.  It is so easy to get her riled up over certain things.  We will tell her that we are moving to California or Idaho so that Brian can work on our farms there.  She will say, "Well, I am staying here!  I will move in with the Rothlisbergers.  I am NOT moving!"  Then we will say, "But we will miss you way too much to let you stay.  We want you to be with us."  Without skipping a beat, "Well, you can visit me whenever you want, but I am staying!"  Every so often we like to spring these things on her just to see how she will react.  It's entertaining!  She didn't even like when we got a new car.  We switched from a mini van to a brand new Nissan Armada.  She told us that the Armada looked like a spaceship and she didn't get why we needed a new car.  UHHH...maybe because the mini van kept braking down twice a month and we had to keep getting it fixed.

She also thinks that she is set in the fashion department if she has some converse, a pair of church shoes, white and black sandles, a few jean shorts, and a few shirts.  When we go shopping I will look at some cute outfits and ask her what she thinks.  She will think the outfit is cute, but then she will say she has enough clothes.  REALLY?!  What teenage girl says that?   She is fine and comfortable with whatever she has.  I wish my mom had taken me shopping for cool clothes when I was her age.  I got hand-me-downs from my sisters and cousins.  Most of the clothes were too big for me, but that is what I had.  If I wanted anything "cool" I had to buy it myself, which was very hard to do since I was too busy to ever have a job.  I love that Kendra doesn't care about all of that crud, and at the same time I would love if she would actually want to try some other fashion besides jean shorts and t-shirts.  She is feminine but not girly. She doesn't see the point in having a bunch of clothes or shoes, etc. I have always bought Kendra's clothes.  Our rule is that we both have to agree on it.  When she was in third, fourth, and fifth grade she loved to wear our family reunion shirts to school.  She would wear one almost every day of the week.  We finally came up with a rule that she could only wear one a week.  She loved the shirts because she loves her family and all the memories she would make at the family reunions.   She also had a girl cousin the same age and they would wear the shirts together.  LOL.  She laughs now about how she used to wear her family reunion shirts to school almost every day.  She likes her little comfort zone and doesn't want to go out of it.  We challenge her all the time and she will usually agree to our challenges.  She definitely likes a challenge.  She could probably get an academic scholarship to most colleges, but she says she wants to stay in Arizona.  We at least want her to have her mind open to other possibilities, so we are working on it.  She was in shock when we told her that she will not be living with us when she goes to college.  We let her know that ASAP so that she has it in her head and can prepare herself.

      

5.  I LOVE to hang out with Kendra.  Yes, I am her mom and I will pull out the Mom card if I ever feel taken advantage.  But Kendra is a fun person to be around.  She is a goof when she is with me and those that she is most comfortable around.  This is the times when she reminds me of me!  She will do crazy dances in stores or pretend like she walks funny or talks funny.  When we hang out we always get the giggles.  Sometimes I don't even think something is that funny, but Kendra's laugh makes me laugh.  She wants to talk to me about everything going on at gymnastics and school.  She tells me who she has crushes on.  She talks to me about everything social with friends.  She wants me to listen to every new song she likes.  I think it is a challenge for her to find a song that both of us like, because I usually don't like the songs she likes.  We are very blunt and honest to each other about what we think.  I know that she is not going to hold something back to just tell me what I want to hear.  I am the same way to her.  She is the person I go to for advice on how something looks on me, like clothes or makeup.  Kendra rarely ever cries.  The few times she has cried, she comes to me. She has been that way since she was little.  She is not an overly emotional girl.  Kendra is kind, but she is also sarcastic and likes to joke around.  She loves to tease or play pranks on her little sister and friends.  AND ME!  We love to share things.  For example, when we go to the movie theater and are thinking something is funny or scary or whatever, we always look at each other with the same expression on our faces.  We are always thinking the same things.  I have so much fun with Kendra!  I am blessed that she is my daughter!

*Kendra listened to One Direction from Arizona to Maryland and back to Arizona.  Kendra's headphones broke, so Kessa let her borrow her Hello Kitty headphones so that we could be spared from listening.  It didn't last long.  Kendra sang along to all the songs and so we got to hear it anyway!  We always debate what is real talent.

6.  Kendra is a loyal friend.  She attracts all different kinds of people.  People know that she is accepting.   Kendra does NOT gossip!  If a friend tells her something in confidence she will NOT budge when people beg her to tell them.  Usually friend's secrets have to do with some boy.  Her friends know that she will never tell anyone anything they have discussed.  She will also not talk about others rudely.  Don't get me wrong, she has joked around with me about girls that are airheads or basically wear bikinis to school, but it is something she laughs about.  The only times I have seen Kendra competitive is when she is in a competition.  If you are competing with Kendra you better watch out.  She is BIG TIME competitive!!  But when it comes to anything outside of a competition, she is the least competitive girl I know.  She has never competed socially.  I have never known Kendra to be part of any girl drama.  She just wants everyone to be happy and get along.

*I'm only posting this one picture of friends since if I started posting pictures of all the great friends in my daughter's life, this post would never end.  There are many wonderful friends that are not in this picture.

(This was taken and written when Kendra was in 8th grade.  She is the same with everyone still.)

15 years old 

7. Kendra is a daddy's girl.  Before Kendra could crawl her eyes would follow her daddy around.  He could get Kendra to smile more than anyone.  When Kendra started to crawl she would play with her daddy.  They had their own little games they would play together.  When Brian would walk in the room from work she would crawl as fast as she could to him.  He would get down on all fours and crawl as fast as he could to her.  Because her head was down while crawling, she would end up crawling underneath Brian and bump into his legs.  Then they would play chase around the room with both of them crawling everywhere.  Kendra had the cutest darn giggle ever!  As Kendra got older she would do everything with her daddy.  She started going to the farm with him at one years old.  She would "drive" the tractor with her daddy.  By the time she was three she could tell what was being planted in every farm field we would drive by.  She loved playing in the ditches with just her panties on.  Around the time she turned three they would play "baby cow" together.  Basically Brian had to be the mommy cow (LOL) and Kendra was the baby cow.  Kendra had seen tons of cows be born, so she would pretend that she was being born out of the mommy cows stomach.  It was pretty hilarious for me to watch.  Then the mommy cow would pretend-lick the baby cow after the baby cow was born.  The cow would try to stand up on it's wobbly legs and then it would start playing and running with the mommy cow.  She also had insight into how the baby was made since she was on the farm all the time.  When she was three she also started playing horse with her daddy.  She would sometimes ride the horse and be the cowgirl or they were both horses.  Her favorite was when Brian would start bucking and she would fall off.  Kendra did everything with her daddy when she would go to the farm or when he was at home.  If Brian was fixing something around the house, she would get her play tools out and fix it with him.  When Brian would mow the lawn she would get her plastic mower out and mow the lawn with him or run along side him the entire time he was mowing.  When Kendra was with me she would want to paint her nails, play with stuffed animals, or dance.  But obviously she loved everything about her daddy more than anything else!  They even had a night routine they would do together.  I was the one that usually sang songs.  Brian had his own fun ritual where they would race down the hall to her bed and some other crazy things.

To this day, Brian is Kendra's safety.  She feels secure and safe with Brian.  When Brian would go out of town when Kendra was young she would bawl, even though it was an overnight trip.  At that stage she thought prayer would make everything come true.  So, as soon as he left she went into her room and was praying that her daddy would come back.  Right after she finished her prayer, guess who walks back into the house?   Brian had forgotten some documents and had to come back to the house.  Kendra was so happy and thought her prayer was answered.  It was so sad to have to explain to her that prayers are not wishes that are granted by some genie.  I told her that her prayer will be answered, but not right now.  She made cards and colored pictures for her daddy the entire time he was gone.  We got his favorite treat for him so that when he came home we could surprise him.  It was like he had gone to war or something.  When Kendra was in Kindergarten or first grade she was starting to understand age.  She asked Brian, "How old are you daddy?"  I think he was maybe 27 at the time.  He told her, "27."  Then she asked, "How old are you going to be when you have a birthday?"  He answered, "28."  She burst into tears.  We were like, what the heck is going on?  So, we kept asking her why she was crying.  She bursts out, "I don't want you to die daddy!"  We could not help but laugh.  To her 28 was like how we think of the age 97.  We assured her that 28 is young and that daddy will live for a long, long time.  I said a prayer then that what we were telling her would be true because her life would be over at that stage if something happened to her daddy.  Kendra is still very, very attached to Brian.  They have different routines they do together now.  They have a very strong bond.  Brian is still Kendra's safety and security.

 *This is a picture of the little game they would play everyday when Brian would get home from work.

 *Helping her daddy put in the sprinkler system.

Helping her daddy vacuum the family room

 *Kendra loved racing her dad.  This is what she used her baby doll and stroller for.  They would also race each other when Brian was mowing the lawn.

*Always a smile on her face when daddy is around.

 

*There were many variations of how they played horse together.  This is just one of them.  When Kessa was born they would incorporate her into playing with them when they were almost finished playing.  So cute!

*Always by her daddy's side.  Always.

8.  Kendra has helped me be a better person.  Enough said.  I think every mother understands.

*I had the honor of being one of Kendra's Activity Day leaders for a short time.  I was sick most days, but it was a joy being with her.  

9. I doted over Kendra as a little girl.  I did not know if I would be able to have more children and my days were spent being a mother to Kendra.  I am so grateful that she got a little sister when she was young so that she did not start thinking that the world revolved around her.  Kendra has always had an aura about her that is sweet.  She was a sweet little girl and is still sweet most of the time.  I did discipline Kendra, but she was so obedient that it would only take one time of sitting her in uh-oh time and she would never do whatever it was she did wrong again.  She still can't handle if we are disappointed at something she has done.  We always reassure her that she will make mistakes and that no matter what our love does not change.  There is something in her that desires to do what is right.  I pray that her desires will not change.  Kendra desires to live the standards of our church and to be clean and pure.  She definitely lets her parents know what she thinks though.  I am just happy that she doesn't argue with us over things that have to do with obeying the standards.  I pray that her testimony will grow and that she will hold fast to the gospel of Jesus Christ even when life may be hard.

Family scripture study in the morning.  Shosko the cat loved Kendra.  He followed Kendra everywhere.  They even took naps together in the afternoon, and Shosko would lay above Kendra every morning during scripture study.

*This makes me laugh because of the story behind it.  Kendra had gymnastics and when we got home she of course wanted to go play outside.  It was freezing cold that day and it was also wet.  I told her to make sure she put on shoes and a coat before she went to play outside.  She would usually run outside barefoot and without a coat and often times just in her panties.  She also would find the place where there was mud or dirt, not grass.  I always had to check up on Kendra because she could play for hours outside and she was so quiet.  So, I went to check on her and this is how I found her.  I don't know why I assumed she would put clothes on.  She did obey me though, as always.  Makes me laugh.

10.  Kendra is a brainer.  I am not saying she is a genius or has a photographic memory.  If she doesn't have a photographic memory, then she is pretty darn close!  Every day when Kendra was very, very little - I'm talking before she could even crawl - I would read books to her and sing songs like the ABC's.  I was home alone with her all day, so what else was I going to do besides clean the house?  So, my day revolved around Kendra.  By the time she was 18 months she could recognize every letter of the alphabet and numbers 0-9.  She knew all the sounds of the letters also.  She understood what numbers meant also.  If I said, "Eat three cheerios..." she knew what I meant and would eat only three cheerios.  She also had all of the Articles of Faith memorized by the time she went to Kindergarten (except 10-13) which she memorized soon after.  I got sick and stopped going over everything with her.  Kendra finished all the Kindergarten SAM books in her Kindergarten class first.  She knew how to read.  She would pick up on anything and everything she was taught.  I have never had to make sure that she finishes her homework.  I think much of her being responsible for herself happened when I got sick.  She had to take care of herself.  She went from having her hair styled perfect for school everyday to going to school with a rats nest.  She started doing her own hair in first grade.  She taught herself how to style her hair.  She taught herself to write in cursive.  She taught herself all the multiplication times tables. When she taught herself how to do those things, she wasn't being taught those subjects in school.  She just decided to teach herself.  She pretty much has done everything on her own.  I like to think that because I taught her the basics of everything while she was young that she has done so well.  : )  I do think it ended up being a great blessing because I could not be there for her once she started first grade.  It may have seemed like I doted on her when she was young, but she was completely on her own once she hit first grade because of my illness.  There was absolutely NO doting on her then.  My goal every day was to say, "Good Morning, I love you Kendra."  And, "Good night, I love you Kendra."  That was how much I mothered her once she hit first grade.  One may realize what kind of mother I was before I got sick.  So, think about how I must have felt not being able to do anything for Kendra or Kessa!  Kendra is still a brainer.  She is a smart cookie.  She is more understanding to those that do not understand certain subjects because of her mother.  I was not like her when it came to school.  So, she understands that everyone's brains are smart in different ways.

 *These pictures were taken when I was very ill.  Kendra went from having her hair done perfect to having a rat's nest every day.  She could do her own hair by the time she was in second grade and people would think I did her hair.  The above picture and the two below remind me of the most awful time in my life.  Kendra went to school  at a school called Eduprize in 1st and 2nd grade.  I LOVE Eduprize.  Once I got very ill we moved to Gilbert and I was unable to drive Kendra to Eduprize.  We switched schools.  At Eduprize the kids learn everything hands on, in groups, and by themselves (paper work).  They focus a ton on Science, but they are really good at every subject.  Each quarter the kids would focus on one aspect of science.  At the end of the quarter the parents would come see everything their children had been working on that quarter.   It was called a cottage fair.  It was amazing everything the kids learned.  Kendra knew more about Science than I did all through school!  The top picture was taken by Brian at a cottage fair.  The below picture was of Kendra working on something about baking for something at school. 

*I tried to find pictures of all of Kendra's teachers from years past, but I couldn't find a few teachers and it was taking too long, so this is what I found.  Kendra has been an Honor student every year.  Her fourth grade teacher only picked one girl and one boy from her class to get academic awards and Kendra was the girl selected.  The first picture above is of her and her 4th grade teacher, the second picture is of her 4th and 5th grade teachers (and I love that she is basically wearing the same thing she did the year before) and then the last picture is of her 6th grade teacher, her ALP teacher, and her principal.

 *I had to add a picture of Kendra playing the drums and piano.  She started piano when she was 5.  She has taken lessons for the most part from my two oldest sisters, Carrie and Amy.  She loves the piano.  She has very little time to practice anymore, but she tries to practice every morning before school for 10-15 minutes.  Kendra took drum lessons from my dad for a few years.  She played percussion in her school band up until this year.  Things just got too crazy last year and we had to drop something.

*I am positive I have about a bazillion picture of Kendra at school, but this is the first one I came across.  I love this picture because the three boys are in our ward, and all the girls are some of Kendra's best friends.

I can't even express how much I love Kendra.  It is impossible!  My children are my joy and my life!! Even when I have been at my worst health wise, my children are what have given me a reason to keep fighting and to keep living.  Kendra is a light in my life.  Nothing is complete until she is home each evening from gymnastics.  She is a joy to have as a daughter.  Kendra, I love you forever, no matter what!