Seven years ago, on Halloween, my life changed forever, and not in a positive way.
12 years ago Brian was the clerk for our ward and I was the Primary Chorister.
10 years ago Brian was the Executive Secretary for our ward. I was in the Stake Young Women's Presidency of our Stake.
9 years ago Brian was in our ward's Bishopric.
7 years ago our ward was being split and some people came up to me and would say, "It's Brian, hu?" Or, "Brian would make a great Bishop." I did not know how to feel or think about those statements. I love my husband and know he is a wonderful man, but who thinks of things like that? Not me. And who wants something like that? Definitely not me! Well, our wonderful Home Teacher was called to be Bishop of our ward and Brian was called as his First Counselor. The Lord knew what he was doing. Our ward was blessed to have the bishop that was called. He was perfect for that ward and he blessed our lives in ways I did not foresee.
Life was great! I was, and our family was, doing everything "right." My little six year old knew most all the Articles of Faith. We read scriptures every morning and then would memorize scripture mastery scriptures. We had Family Home Evening without fail every Monday night and the lessons were planned out and pretty much ideal. My girls loved going to the farm with their daddy and he would play with them every night. We also had family prayers every morning and every night. Brian and I said couples prayers and our own individual prayers every night also. Our home was organized and clean. We watched all four sessions of conference. We went to every church meeting and every church activity. We listened to primary songs in the car and my girls knew all the primary songs for the year. My six year old knew how to read, add and subtract. I basically would home school her besides her going to school. I loved my friendships with the ladies in my ward. I did my visiting teaching and Brian did his home teaching without fail. We attended the temple once a month. I would run 3 miles with my friend every day except Sundays. Brian and I had date night every Friday or Saturday night. I made dinner most every evening. It was routine and natural to us. I felt like we were good examples of doing what is right and living righteously. Our favorite times were spent as a family.
A few months later I got very ill and Brian was released from his calling. His family needed him. I needed him more than anyone else on Earth.
I had no idea that my life would become a living hell and that I would be humbled in EVERY WAY!!!
For 4-5 years I felt sick most days. I did not drive, I did not cook, I did not read, I rarely looked at a computer, I did not text, I rarely used a cell phone, I left the house very few times and forgot how it felt to live among the outside world. I did not do those things because all of those activities made me sick. Opened window blinds made me sick, going to the grocery store made me sick because of all the items on the shelves, turning fans on made me sick, blinking lights made me sick, Christmas lights made me sick, annoying noises or the toilet flushing would make me sick. The church lights made me sick. Leaves moving on trees made me sick. Basically, life made me sick. And I mean, REALLY sick. I felt like throwing up 24/7 or I would have a debilitating headache, which was just added to the nausea.
The first year was the worst because I had other medical problems on top of it. If I had only had one medical issue without all of my problems, it probably would not be any big deal, but added to everything else my body was going through - it was miserable. I got thrush and while having thrush all over my mouth I also had acid eating away at my duodenum (intestines) and my esophagus. Then one night I felt like I was going to pass out because my body was so miserable and couldn't handle it anymore, and I started peeing blood. And don't get me started on my bowels. My legs were shaky. It was hard for me to walk to the toilet and back to bed or the couch so Brian got a porta potty to put right by me. I remember one night in particular when I tried to concentrate on a certain dark spot when I would close my eyes. I would pray over and over, "Please make this go away, please make this go away." All I ever did was cry. I felt like I was dying and I did not want to die. At the same time I did not want a life full of pain and suffering. I got blessings and it just seemed like I would get worse. I remember the bishop at the time gave me a blessing that said that I would get better and be able to live life. At that point in time I was asking myself, "How?" When I would have the littlest thought that there might be a chance for me to get better, well, I would just get worse. It is very hard to have hope when everything seems to just keep getting worse and worse. I would pray ALL the time.
Yes, I would pray constantly, but I did not feel as though God was listening. I felt abandoned. I really believed that I was just one person on this Earth of many, and that God had many more important people to deal with and many more important things going on in the World. I truly believed that I was abandoned. I felt the loneliest I have ever felt. I didn't know that misery and loneliness like what I was going through actually existed. I knew how it felt to feel sad, lonely, heart broken, sick, confused, etc. But I had NO idea how extreme misery, loneliness, abandonment, depression, hopelessness, and illness could be. It truly feels like hell. It is my definition of hell.
People would tell me uplifting stories about people conquering some trial. Or they would share a scripture with me or think it was just a splendid idea for me to listen to hymns. Well, when you are unable to live life and you can't see an end in sight, those stories don't help AT ALL!! I would think, "Well, yay for that person. Why can't I have some miracle occur!" I have learned complete empathy for those that are going through trials. Each person is going through his/her own trial. Another person's experience did not help me with what was going on in my life, if you want to call it a life. Also, hymns made me think of funerals and only depressed me. Scriptures were not going to suddenly take the misery away.
Kendra had to stop gymnastics and piano lessons at that time, which we could give a rats petunia about at that time. I could not do anything for my children - at all. My goal was to say, "I love you, good morning" And, "I love you, goodnight." Kessa was three and Kendra was 6 at the time I got sick. They could not run around or make noise in the house. They could not play at home or do much at home other than wake up and get ready for the day and come home and go to bed. It was beyond depressing. It was miserable. All I wanted to do was be a mom, and I couldn't mother my children.
So many people were willing to help. The problem was that I could not be the person I used to be. I was the complete opposite of what I had been. I was always bubbly, hopeful, and positive. Now I was depressed in body and spirit, sickly, hopeless, and it was impossible to smile when so sick. I did not want to talk to anyone because I had absolutely no energy. It actually would make me feel even more sick. There were so many people that helped our family, and they never got a thank you card or an official thank you. I was taught to always give a thank you card to those that help. Well, when two years go by and you are going through the same darn trial, well, thank you cards are not at the top of the priority list. I hope that at some point I have told those that helped our family "thank you." My sister, Carrie, made us dinner sometimes. She also would take Kendra to school or have her stay after school with her and then bring her home. My sister Carrie was a teacher at the school Kendra attended. She also started teaching Kendra piano lessons for free. It was a HUGE blessing that she moved down the street from us when I was sick. She was gone most days working, but she helped my children so much, which was the most important thing to me. My mom taught school in Mesa, so she was unable to help me much unless she was on a break or it was a weekend. She took my girls to the Zoo and did other fun activities with them when she was able. Throughout the past seven years she has tutored my kids in school, made dinners for my family, cleaned my house multiple times, let me vent and cry while she just listens, and much, much more. No one can take the place of a Mom, even when one is also a Mom. I would have had her move in with us if possible! My dad was also willing to do anything to help us. He was already retired and he was willing to come to my house everyday. The only thing was that he isn't a Mom or a girl, so it was a little harder. I could tell my dad was extremely upset about me being sick. I think everyone was, but he is so easy to read. It was difficult for him not to show his emotions and so it made it hard for me to see, which was not a good thing while sick. I realize that my dad's heart was breaking. He loves his daughters so much and he would do anything for us. Over the years he has taken Kendra to gymnastics many times a week, come over to my house multiple days a week to read to me, driven me places, and pretty much dropped everything in his life if I need him. Brian's parents were in the Mesa temple presidency when I got sick. I had no idea that temple presidency peeps have to be in the temple 24/7 and they have to be there with a spouse. So, his mom couldn't just take off and help us any time she wanted. She did come and clean our disgusting bathrooms and wash our clothes often. What a blessing! She has also driven Kendra to gymnastics every week. My dad and my Mother -in-Law would take turns taking her to gymnastics. My sister, Amy, would come and try to help in any way possible. She also did laundry and would just sit with me. My sister-in-law, Leanne, was very busy at the time with her 5 kids, but she would come over sometimes in the middle of the day just to sit with me. She also would have Kendra and Kessa come to her house to hang out. It was a relief to me and Brian that our girls had places they could go where they were loved and safe. It was very hard that I was not the person to give them that love and attention, but what a blessing to know that others care for my girls. My girls would sometimes be watched by others that they did not know as well, and that was very hard, but we were so grateful. My girls were tossed around and it was just one more added stress to everything else. The only time I did not feel that stress is when they were with other family members, especially their grandmas. Brian missed sooooo much work and he is who makes the farm run. His employee, a foreman, David Posey, literally took all of Brian's responsibilities and ran the farm. Now he is one person I need to write a thank you note, even all these years later. He was literally a lifesaver. The farm would not have kept running smoothly without him. I am so grateful to him and his wife! Also, I am grateful to my brother-in-law's, David and Kase, for being so patient and caring towards Brian. The three of them are the owner's of the farm. They each have different responsibilities and without one of them the farm does not function well, So, for Brian to be gone so much and for them to be caring instead of annoyed, well, it shows what family is all about. That is why I am truly, truly, sincerely, sooooooo grateful to David Posey for stepping in and getting the job done. Okay, I am crying right now.
Brian is the one that I am most grateful for. This trial was not just mine. Believe me! I would choose to be the caregiver any day rather than the one being cared for. It is humiliating to have to rely on others for EVERYTHING. I am an independent person and it was beyond humbling to HAVE to rely on others. Brian had all of his responsibilities and then had to take on all of my responsibilities while he was worried and depressed over his wife. He went through trials of faith also. He felt abandoned also. He felt that his prayers were not heard and wondered if Heavenly Father even was aware of us. One night I had actually dozed off, but woke up from a nightmare. Brian was not near me and I got a little panicked because I needed to use the restroom. I looked across the room and he had fallen asleep on the floor. He was laying on top of an Ensign magazine that he must have been reading, and a flashlight was still on next to him. When the light was turned on I saw tear marks on the Ensign. We both tried to have faith. I remember us talking about the Savior healing the lepers and the blind. Why couldn't he just heal me? I know that I felt unseen and unheard. I now know that is what Brian was going through also.
Another thing I realized while I was really sick was that I had had a GREAT life and that I had been way more amazing than what I thought I was. I realized that fears I had were ridiculous and that to have any opportunity in life is a blessing. Just waking up in the morning and feeling well is a HUGE blessing!!!! To be able to sing is a blessing (I was unable to sing for a time). To laugh is a blessing. To smile is a blessing. To get up every day and have choices is a blessing! I went through mourning who I had been. I mourned a life that I would never have again. I mourned the time that was lost spent with my children. I mourned being the wife that I had been. I wondered why Brian would want to be married to a sick person that only had energy to cry. I had nightmares that he would leave me. I really only ever had nightmares when I would close my eyes. I couldn't actually fall asleep into a deep sleep. If anyone wonders why I love to sleep so much now, it is because I absolutely LOVE to sleep. Sleep is a blessing and is soooo amazing! It is comforting and relaxing and I love to sleep a little too much now! I mourned EVERY aspect of my life.
I tried to bargain or make deals with God. I would say to Heavenly Father, "If I felt better I would say yes to singing solos in church. I would serve with all my heart." I would say, "I would be able to handle the annoyance of having thrush or the pain of esophagitis. Just make the other things go away." I would also say, "I will never complain about dirty dishes or folding clothes again! I will fold all day long if you just make me better!" It was hard to hear anyone from the outside world that would come over. They would talk about normal everyday things. They would complain about everyday things. It made me depressed. I was never a depressed person. I love to smile and laugh and enjoy life. But I was extremely depressed. I realize now that most people with chronic illness or disease are depressed. The spirit and body are way more connected than I ever realized before. My body was depressed because of illness, so my spirit was depressed also. The chemicals in my brain changed because of the trauma I was feeling.
One night I was laying in bed. My body could never relax because it was too miserable. I could get more relaxed when Brian would rub my legs. I asked him to rub my legs and he started to rub my legs. Brian was exhausted because he was taking care of everyone and having the pressure to do everything. He was unable to stay awake. I was so miserable and the only time I would get a little edge taken off the misery was when he would rub my legs. My legs were jello and I don't know if the rubbing made me concentrate on his touch and not all the misery or what. But somehow it would relax me a little bit. It was impossible for him to keep his eyes open and he would stop rubbing which would cause me to get a jolt of pain. I would nudge him awake and beg him to please rub my legs. He would start to rub my legs and 30 seconds later he would be asleep. I was all alone. I laid there and prayed. The image that came to my mind was the image of the Savior in Gethsemane. He asked his apostles to stay awake, but they were too tired. He tried to wake them up. He did not want to feel all alone. He wanted support from those he loved. That is what I wanted. I wanted for Brian to stay awake with me for support and a little comfort.
The apostles could not stay awake. Jesus felt abandoned and alone. He was in agony. The Savior prayed to God to relieve him of some of his pain and suffering.
Heavenly Father sent angels to buoy him up. 
It was hard for me to imagine that an angel would come help me because I am not the Savior and I am very imperfect and I am not suffering for all of mankind.
I wonder now if I did have an angel with me. Maybe one day I will know. I realized that the Savior was the only one that could know my suffering and misery. Not even Brian could know exactly what I was going through or what it felt to be me. Just like I did not know exactly what Brian was going through and the pains of his heart. Brian and I have always been very close and leaned on each other. We have always felt connected. During this time we both felt very alone. We could not lean on each other. Brian wanted to take everything away from me that I was going through, but he realized he couldn't which made him feel helpless as a husband. It is a very lonely feeling to realize that the only person that knows what one is going through is the Savior. I felt that the only person there was the Savior. My thoughts were constantly on the Savior and his life. At the same time, I wondered if all the promises he gave applied to me because it sure didn't feel like it. I really did not think that Heavenly Father was hearing my pleas or even aware of me. I still prayed. I prayed constantly. I was so desperate.
Two years later we moved to Morrison Ranch. I still felt sick most days, but not as extremely miserable as I was the first year I was sick. I had been blessed with a neurologist that miraculously figured out the cause of my problems. I had been to what felt like a bazillion specialists. He was the first neurologist I was sent to and I thought, "Why am I being sent to a neurologist? I am nauseated beyond belief, I can't do anything, I have problems in other areas of my body - not my brain!" The neurologist ended up being the director at the Barrow Neurological Center. He figured out what was wrong right away! I thought it was too good to be true! Another issue I had was that I did not have a good relationship with medications or operations. I have always had bad experiences with medications and especially with operations. So, when he wanted to prescribe me medications I was weary. He also told me that my case was extreme and that for it to permanently go away was close to zero. That news was VERY depressing. I pictured a life of solitary confinement to my home and barely being part of my family's lives. I started the medication and it helped some, but it most definitely did not bring back my life.
I was able to be part of my children's lives to an extent, but I was unable to help them with their homework, drive them around, cook dinner or make lunches. My girls ate fast food most nights for dinner. I was unable to do their hair. It was hard to care about what was going on at school or church. Brian and I tried our hardest to just do the bare minimum. I would walk around the block for exercise, and I tried to go places and help make my children enjoy their childhood. The only places I would usually go had to do with my children. Often times I would go to watch them in their Halloween parade, or compete in gymnastics, or go to a mother/daughter activity, or put on a little birthday party for them, and I would feel like puking the entire time. I am sure people have thought that I am bi-polar or something of that nature, which I am not. I also do not suffer from depression. Yes, I get very depressed when I am sick, but I do not suffer from chronic depression. I definitely know what it is to be depressed and I have empathy for those that suffer from depression. I have not been a great friend because it has been extremely hard for me to do anything more than be part of my children's lives and my husband's life. It has not been a goal for me to be part of the social circles at church. I, in no way, feel left out or desire it. I do desire to be friends with others, but I do not feel like I need to be at every social event. I would rather be at home with my family. Those programs and activities are there for a reason. They are uplifting and positive and it is a great way to be around others that are striving to live the gospel. But my greatest desire is to spend as much time as possible with my family. I am sure that will change someday and I will need to to go to Enrichment and other activities. Probably when my kids are out of the house. LOL. Everything revolves around our family life.
The outside world disappeared and we focused on the bare minimum - which are the things that matter most in this life. It was hard to put scripture study or Family Home Evening as a priority, but I will say that our family was extremely close at this time. We never stopped praying. I went to church half the time which was a step up from never being able to go. Outside people did not matter to us at all, our family was the only thing that mattered to us. We didn't care if people thought we were less active or if they judged us in other ways. We realized that our relationship with God and our family were the only things we cared about. We had never had to rely so much on the Savior, God, or each other.
One day Brian told me that our bishop wanted to come over to visit with us. I immediately got a wall up. I did not want to be the family that needs help or service. In the ward I was in before we moved to Gilbert, everyone gave me pity looks. I know they cared, but it was hard to see. My daughter would come home from school and ask me if I was going to die because one of her friends asked her if I was going to die. I just wanted to live my life with my family, go to church, and come home back to my family. I did not want the outside to pity us or get involved in our hardships. Bishop Allen came over. I shook his hand and we invited him in to sit. I had a major wall up. I was polite, but I did not want him pushing his way or anyone's way into our family. I can't remember everything he said, but I remember the gist. He talked about how in our times of need that Heavenly Father sends others to serve us through Him. I was like, "NOOOO! No way!" Then he showed me a book that is filled with art of the Savior. He told me that he saw this particular picture and he thought of me. He opened the book up to a picture that I had never seen before. It was the Savior in Gethsemane with angels around him to buoy him up. I burst into tears. My walls crumbled down. It was the image I had in my head many times in lonely, miserable moments. The bishop did not know that the painting he showed me was an image that was very personal and deep in my heart. How did he know that his words would not impact me, but that picture touched my soul in a way that nothing else could have? The ward started bringing us meals twice a week (because I was still headstrong about not having too much help). My girls were able to eat a home cooked meal that was not fast food, and I did not realize how much it would help Brian not stress about dinners. The service was not just for me, it was for my entire family. I still have not found that picture he showed me, but I am going to find out and I hope to put it in Brian's office.
Fast forward a few years and my doctor decided to try another combination of medications. He did not like that I was still unable to drive or do a lot of things. So, I started this combination of medications, and week by week I felt I was able to do more. I have been able to drive for the past year and a half. I can do most everything that I used to be able to do. I have to watch myself though. I can't fly or go on a cruise or go on roller coasters. If I cry or if I don't get enough sleep then I do not feel well. If I forget to take my medication then I will feel sick the next day. I will gladly give up vacations to be able to be present in my family's lives. I did go on a vacation and it was THE BEST!!! I appreciated every single thing that I wouldn't have given two seconds thought about before I got sick. We were able to take a road trip across the country and visit my sister in Maryland!! It was the BEST trip EVER!! I got sick a few times, but it was managed and everyone ended having the GREATEST time!! I have to be careful. Some days I will suddenly get sick as I am driving or texting or on the computer or reading. It is weird. I will be fine for a few weeks and then boom! I get sick over something ridiculous. I don't feel it coming. I can't tell that it is going to come on. I do not like taking medications, but at the same time I feel like a miracle has occurred. It IS a miracle! My neurologist may not know me like my family knows me, but I consider him someone that has been a main pivotal person in my life. I am so grateful to him for sacrificing years to learn everything he knows about the function of the brain. I am grateful for HIS brain and for serving those that deal with all types of neurological disorders and diseases to try and give them a better quality of life. Needless to say, he is on my Christmas card list. I gave him a hug one time and I don't think he knew how to react, but I know he could feel how because of him my life has become a life instead of a living hell. I am scared sometimes. I have triggers that bring up fears from everything that I have been through. I will have dreams that I am sick again. There are certain places that are triggers. There are smells that are triggers. There are situations that bring on triggers.
One of my triggers is leadership callings in our church. When everything occurred, Brian was in a leadership position in our church and we were doing everything right (at least on paper). Thinking about leadership callings puts fear in me.
I have learned over the years that it is great to strive to do everything right, but it also reminds me of the story of Martha and Mary, and also the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law. I am not so rigid about everything now. I don't think I was rigid before I got ill either, but at the time I could have marked everything we were doing off on a list. Now I feel that more goes on in my heart. We aren't perfect about reading scriptures, but we do try. I have been a terrible visiting teacher, but I am getting better now. Brian has always been a great home teacher, but as you can see, I definitely can't check things off a list. We will get off for a few days of scripture study and in some cases weeks, and then we will talk and start up again. Life is constantly changing and we have learned that we aren't going to be condemned because we do not do everything like robots and everything can't be checked off on a checklist everyday. We strive to do what is right, but we don't put pressure on ourselves to do everything perfect, and we don't feel guilty about it. We just try to do better. To be able to do anything is a miracle! If someone is in need or I get a prompting about anything, anything on a "list" goes out the window! Everyone is in different places in his/her life. So one person's better is not another's better. I have more empathy than I have ever had in my life. I have gained so much experience by the trials I have gone through. At the same time I have weaknesses in areas that used to be strengths. Some strengths have become weaknesses and some weaknesses have become strengths.
If someone asks me, "Are you grateful for this trial?" I would have to answer no. If I answered yes then I would be a liar. I am not grateful for this trial. I would change it in a heartbeat if I could. My entire family makes wishes on their birthday cakes that I will get better. So, no, I am not grateful for this trial. I am grateful for what I have learned, but I would still go back and not get ill. I have missed so many years not perfecting talents or being the mother and wife that I could have been. I have not gotten to a place where I can say that I am grateful. I have gotten to a place where I am able to say I am grateful for everything that I have learned though.
About two weeks ago the Stake presidency called our home. Kessa answered the home phone (which no one ever calls that we actually know. It is always a salesman or a political message). She took a message from the Stake. She gave the message to Brian. Brian called the Stake Executive Secretary back. The Stake President wanted to meet with us the next day which was a Friday and happened to be Veteran's Day. They told Brian to bring in his wife. Well, the moment I heard what they said I was a little upset. I told Brian, "The calling better not be for me! I will say no!" I am sure that is not what people are used to hearing in our church. The thing is that I have been in leadership callings. I have barely gotten to a point where I am part of every single aspect of my daughter's lives again. Kendra is now 14! Kessa is almost 11! Every single day, including when they drive me insane, is a blessing! I remember the first time I got in a major argument with one of my girls. I was so upset when Brian got home. And then I said, "Isn't it awesome that I can have an argument with our girls? It is soooo cool that I am able to have the energy to even be a parent and to get in a normal argument about a normal thing with my kid!" All I want to do is be a mom and wife!!!!! So, at this time in my life I feel that is what I need to do. So, as I was freaking out that maybe I was getting a calling I told Brian, "The calling better be for you! I don't care what calling it is, I will be the MOST supportive wife. I will NEVER complain!" After I thought about it for more than a minute, I realized that the calling would be for Brian. I didn't think about it much, even though I wondered why the heck we were going to the Stake President's office on Veteran's Day.
The Stake President asked to speak to me first. He is so sweet. He remembered a conversation I had with him that took place probably 4 years ago! I talked to him about my struggles and he remembered all of it. It meant so much to me. He asked about my girls and if they are involved in extracurricular activities, how they are with friends, and how they are in general. He told me that our lives were about to change. Right then my stomach started having butterflies. I wondered what kind of calling would change our lives. I wasn't sure if I wanted Brian in a calling that "would change our lives." I would spend 24/7 with my husband if we could survive without him having a job. I am serious too, just ask him. I love to be with Brian. I love to see him with his girls. He is the best husband and father. He is so kind to me. He has never said one bad word about me or towards me. It isn't like we have never had disagreements, because we do have disagreements. Brian loves to tease me and I like to get a reaction out of him. We are best friends and we care about how the other's feeling. We respect each other. Up to this point in the Stake President's office I was not wanting to give up any of my time with Brian. Then the Stake President asked me, "What kind of husband is Brian?" Right then a feeling came over me. A feeling of love for my husband. I thought about how amazing he is. He is the most loving and accepting man I have ever met. I knew then that whatever the calling, my husband's qualities and spirit are needed. That was not the end of the conversation, but after we talked, Brian met with the Stake President. Then he brought both of us in. He started to read a letter from the First Presidency. I had no idea what it was, but Brian knew right away. Brian was called to be Bishop of the Elliot Groves Ward. My stomach did a flip. Brian was in shock. It was the last thing we were expecting. One of the thoughts that ran through my mind in those first few moments was, "I am so blessed that we are ABLE to serve." I definitely know how it feels to not be able to serve. It is a glorious feeling to be able to serve and to actually be able to say, "Yes, we can do this!" Brian keeps joking around about how I am going to be the MOST supportive wife and NEVER complain.
I think about all those years ago when people in our ward speculated about whom was going to be bishop and that it might be Brian. I know that if Brian had been called at that time he would have been a wonderful Bishop; But everything we have gone through these past 7 years has changed us. Our minds were not anywhere close to thinking about any calling, let alone bishop. It isn't something we would choose for ourselves. If it hadn't been the Holy Ghost that touched my heart in the Stake President's office, I don't know what I would be feeling right now.
We no longer think the same as we did 7 years ago. We see everyone and everything differently. I think we seemed perfect on the outside back then. And believe me, I wish I could have those days back. We felt great and we were doing great. But now I am not worried about people seeing my imperfections, because guess what?! I am so imperfect! My mind is open to those that struggle. My heart feels empathy, not just sympathy. I have learned it doesn't matter if others judge when I know that I am doing my best and Heavenly Father and my Savior know me. I know Brian is the same way and his heart has gone through the same changes. We care about others on this path we all call life. This life is a test and the people around us need help. I have talked to Brian and we have pondered on how much our bishop's have helped us while we have gone through doubts, pain, and suffering. Brian is worried that he will not be able to spend the amount of time with his family that he desires. Then I brought up the times that our bishops came to us when we were at our lowest and what a great impact they were to us in our times of need. I told him that I would never want him to ignore the prompting to go help someone that is suffering. I know how those promptings can help someone's spirit. It doesn't take away the trial, but it can help one's heart and mind have promptings that may not have come otherwise. It may just lift them up in that moment or give them a glimmer of hope.
As I sat in the Stake Presidents office I had the thought come to my head, "Maybe Heavenly Father is aware of me. Maybe he was preparing me so I could understand and help others."
