I've had a hard time the past couple months listening to the youth talk in Sacrament Meeting. Am I being judgmental? Yes, for sure! It isn't the actual youth speaker that I have a hard time with or even the message being shared. My feelings come from a desperate mother that was let down by those that I prayed would be a good friend to my daughter.
I was a very obedient girl and teenager. I didn't always obey every rule in school. I got in trouble almost everyday for laughing. Yes, laughing, not talking. My biggest goal everyday was to make things fun, which doesn't always go the best in a classroom setting. I also got in trouble for chewing gum, but not as much as talking and laughing. I spent much of one year in high school making out with my boyfriend. I am lucky that I cared enough about not wanting to get in trouble that I didn't take it any further than kissing a lot. I am also grateful that it was just a year and that the rest of my high school years were spent having fun with friends and enjoying dating. I participated in some dumb dares and activities. Normal high school fun. I was not dull or boring. If anything, I was known for having lots of energy and wanting to have fun. I was once asked by a high school dance photographer if I was drunk. I had never drunk even a sip of alcohol. haha. I guess I could be a spaz sometimes. However, when it came to the gospel standards, I tried my very best to be obedient. I didn't want to get close to anything that was dangerous. I had a wonderful group of friends that also wanted to choose the right. However, I now realize how uninviting we were to those that were struggling or those that did not like anything about church.
I think it is normal for teenagers in a high school setting to be selfish. Teenagers care about how they are perceived and about having fun. They don't want to spend any of their time and efforts to reach out to someone that may not fit into a certain category or box. I was a very good girl when it came to living the standards of the church. However, I was not living the most important part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I had a great time with everyone in my classes so they knew me as being friendly and kind. I had my own group of friends that I had a ton of fun with. Everyone thought I was so friendly and kind. Teenagers care more about others liking them than caring about others. Besides superficial kindness, did I truly care about the hurt others may be going through? No, I cared more about staying with my group of friends and having fun. Again, I think this is very typical for teenagers, but it still isn't right. There are teenagers that are lost and struggling. When one of my friends stopped living the gospel standards, did I accept him anyways? No. I was disappointed, which is expected. Did our group of friends accept him even when he expressed things that were contrary to what we believed? No. Did we accept and love him even so? No. We weren't mean, we just moved on. Without him. We thought we were being righteous. We didn't want to be around anyone that did not feel and live exactly how we were feeling and living. I am grateful that I had such a wonderful high school experience. I look back on my high school experience with mom goggles now though.
I have two beautiful daughters. They are nothing alike. I mean, yes, they are both beautiful, talented, and loveable. They see life and respond to life completely different though.
In August of 2021, Kendra was off to college and Kessa was starting her Sophomore year of high school. I was extremely sad that Kendra was not going to be living in our house everyday. My concentration had been on Kendra's senior year, her graduating, and her going off to college. Although the transition was somewhat hard, I was excited to be able to focus primarily on Kessa. Kessa worked very hard to make the pom team at her high school. She is a beautiful dancer. I was looking forward to continuing to go to all the football and basketball games and to see Kessa involved with the student body. Kendra loved high school. She had an absolute blast and had wonderful friends. I was hopeful that Kessa would have a similar experience. Kessa went to pom camp before school started and had sooo much fun. Everyone on the pom team thought she was hilarious and so much fun. Because she is! At the very beginning of the year it seemed Kessa was having a great time at school, on the pom team and with friends. It did not last long though. Brian and I noticed changes in Kessa.
Unfortunately, Kessa was introduce to others by her best friend that were not doing good things with their lives. Kessa got involved in activities that put her in danger. I am grateful that Brian had worked with teenagers as a bishop that he noticed things off with Kessa right away. He was very good about asking Kessa certain questions. She finally admitted some of what was going on. Brian told me that anyone that confesses never says the entirety of the situation the first time. The problem was much greater than what we first realized. I am grateful that Kessa was open with us. When someone is in the midst of chaos, it is impossible to see clearly. It was a shock to me and Brian that Kessa participated in things that we had taught her to never do. We have Family Home Evening every week, Come Follow Me, and go to church on Sundays. We have taught both Kendra and Kessa the gospel standards and why they are important. The situation with Kessa was a shock to us.
Brian and I did our very best to help Kessa. We basically told her that she can't hangout with anyone that is doing bad things. It is not easy for a person to change that is stuck in a situation. Kessa was addicted to certain substances that are extremely hard to just quit. Kessa was lost. She wanted to obey the rules that Brian and I set forth for her. She was trying very hard. At this point, I felt that everything that could make things harder for Kessa, happened. It was heart breaking.
Kessa felt alone. Besides me and Brian, she felt she had no one. She was no longer able to be with her best friend or those that were making bad choices. Being accepted and having friends is a huge thing for a teenager. Kessa had always had friends and she suddenly felt like she had no one. Kessa tried very hard to go out with those that were choosing the right. Kessa tried to make other friends. One day she had to dance at a football game. We brought her to the game. Kessa asked one of the pommies if she could go with her to the after party. The pommy told her yes. As soon as the game ended, the pommy disappeared. Kessa tried to text and call her but the girl ignored her. This brought up feelings and thoughts in Kessa about how she lost her best friend, how the other "friends" that were making bad choices wanted nothing to do with her anymore and harassed her because she had told her parents about the bad choices everyone was participating in (great friends, hu?), and every time she tried to do something with someone that was supposedly "good" the person would ghost her. She came home that night and had a relapse. She wanted to numb her hurt. She had gotten in the habit of numbing her hurt or anxiety. We had no idea that she even had any substances at our house. Kessa came home after being ditched and asked us if she could go hangout at another girl's house. The girl lives the standards of the gospel and so we felt great about her going to her house. Unfortunately, Kessa did not understand how strong the alcohol was that she drank before she went to the girl's house. She ended up being drunk in front of at least 25 "good" LDS kids. It was the worst possible experience that could have happened at the time. We tried to spin it into something that would be good. We were hopeful that the kids that were there would make a special effort to invite Kessa to do things with them. I mean, they are part of the gospel of JESUS CHRIST, right? Some of them knew Kessa since she was young and were very concerned for her, in the moment. Kessa was so embarrassed the next day. She was humiliated. Sadly, things did not go in a better direction for Kessa. Kessa now had a bad reputation with the "good" LDS kids.
Kessa was reminded about the night she was drunk almost everyday at school. She wanted to move on, but it was hard when it was constantly being brought up to her. When Kessa would come up to LDS friends that had known her for years, one of them would ask, "Kessa, are you high?" It hurt Kessa. She would laugh it off, but it actually hurt. Her peers obviously did not know how hard it is to stop an addiction. She was not recognized for her efforts in working hard to have better habits. She was not recognize for her strengths and talents. She was only known for her addictions and bad choices.
Kessa told me many times that the kids she really wanted to hangout with, and that she always had fun with, were the kids she was with the night she got drunk. They are a big group of "good" LDS kids. After that night, though, Kessa was labeled a "bad" influence. She was ignored most of the time when she would text to hangout. No one would respond to her. One of her friends told her that some of the kids did not want to hangout if she was going to be there and that is why she was not invited. Kessa rarely went out at this point because she had no one to hangout with. She told me many times that the group was so much fun, but they would not accept her because of her reputation. Kessa showed up at a get-together about a month after the night kids witnessed her drunk. One of the boys told her, "My mom always asks me when I get home from hanging out if you were there. She told me that I can't be near you." Kessa said, "Does she know that I don't do things like that anymore?" The boy responded, "She wouldn't care if I told her that. She isn't going to forgive someone that has gotten drunk." This crushed Kessa. I had to stay calm in front of Kessa. That is just one of the many times kids told Kessa they couldn't hangout with her because their parents told them not to. It pissed me off!!!!! It still pisses me off!
We had many talks about choosing good friends and about the atonement of Jesus Christ. Kessa truly had the desire to be around good friends, but no one wanted to be her friend because of her reputation. What truly pissed me off the most were the LDS parents. Instead of teaching their teenagers what Christ would do, they taught them the opposite. They taught them that Kessa and others that are struggling with addictions, or have gotten involved in bad situations, are not worth anything. Teenagers like Kessa don't deserve good friends or love from those that are living the standards of the gospel. They are teaching their children that they are better than those whose sins have been shown to the world. They are also teaching their children that if they transgress then they are less loved by them. How are teenagers supposed to believe that they will be forgiven when the examples around them are so judgmental and unforgiving?
Another thing that truly makes me angry and sad to this day is that none of what those parents are teaching is what is taught in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are taught to embrace those that are lost and bring them into the fold. Here there was a huge group of teenagers that are living the gospel standards, yet the parents are worried about one girl? She is one, tiny girl out of a big group of "good" LDS kids...what are they so afraid of? Do they really think she is going to hangout with "good" LDS kids and corrupt them? Her desire was to be around "good" LDS kids. Sadly, those kids did not accept her even though they think she is so fun and cute because they can't get past her mistakes. It is because of the teenager's parents. They have taught their children to hangout with good kids. I have taught my girls the same. It is one thing if a child makes friends that are bad influences. It is another to invite someone that is not living the gospel standards to be part of your good group of friends. What Kessa learned from her experience is that LDS kids are judgmental and she is not good enough to be around them. I told her that those teenagers do not understand the atonement of Jesus Christ and to not take it personal. She knows in her mind that what I told her is true, but I am not so sure if her heart believes it. I want those parents to know that their children had the opportunity to truly be like Christ. I was so hopeful and prayerful that the situation with Kessa would end up being a testimony building opportunity for her, but it was the opposite. How you act towards others does make a difference for good or bad. In the situation with Kessa, she is the one that needed rescuing. She is the one that needed others to envelope her and accept her, sins and all. It is extremely hard for me to forgive those parents and teenagers. They have no clue what a difference it would have made in Kessa's life if they had befriended her instead of judged her.
Parable of the lost sheep:
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
It is heart wrenching as a parent to watch everything unfold. I prayed and fasted that there would be a good group of fun kids that would reach out to Kessa. I thought the group that Kessa desired to hangout with was an answer to prayers, but unfortunately, the parents of those teens behaved the opposite of how Christ would have behaved and it hurt Kessa deeply. None of the kids stood up for Kessa or told the judgmental kids that it would be a great opportunity to befriend someone that is hurting.
I felt like telling those parents that I hope they never have to deal with the kind of heartbreak of having a child that is lost and in the dark. I also wanted to tell them to stop living in a freaking bubble. 99%s of that group of kids has looked at porn or is addicted to porn. It is a statistic. Not an opinion. I hope that their children feel comfortable enough to come to them when they are struggling with an addiction, or have transgressed. Because FYI, everyone sins. Brian told me that it was extremely rare to have a teenager come to him as a bishop that never tried vaping or alcohol. It is everywhere now. Our kids will not go through life without it being all around them. It is rare for a child to not have tried something at least once.
Kessa told me that she has never felt so accepted by others than she did with the big group of friends that were making horrible choices. I guess misery loves company and all that. But, what she said was true. Those kids accepted everyone that came to hangout with them. How sad that the miserable kids were so accepting and the LDS "good" kids were so judgmental and hurtful. I don't think they think of themselves as judgmental or hurtful. They think of themselves as righteous. That is sad to me that they think because they are living the standards that they are righteous. The best way to be close to Christ is to love others, especially those that are desperate and hurting. We should be there for those that are lost and struggling. That is how to become closer to Christ.
Kessa was desperate for friends. I wish that she didn't care about having friends because things would have been easier. She became friends with some kids that weren't doing bad things, but I was still wary of. I lost trust in everything and everyone. Kessa went to a party one night. A girl that she had hung out with when she was not doing good things was jealous of Kessa because the boy she liked, liked Kessa. Don't even get me started on boys! Ugh!!!!! Anyways, the girl got two HUGE girls to beat up Kessa at the party. These girls looked like they could be part of the WNBA. So, these two girls start beating up 90 pound Kessa. What do the other teenagers do that are at the party? Do they try to break the fight up? Do they stand up for Kessa? No! They all whip out their phones and start filming the fight. I could never get myself to watch the videos that were recorded. I don't know how to describe the feelings and thoughts that run through a parent's mind when everything seems to go wrong no matter how much we pray and are hopeful for our child. We just wanted others to uplift Kessa and to help her, but it was the opposite. I did watch the very beginning of the video to see the girls that beat up my precious daughter, but I would not watch my daughter being punched and kicked. What was the nail in Kessa's emotional coffin was seeing that her "best friend" sat and filmed it also. Kessa missed her best friend so badly. Kessa is very loyal. She never talked badly about her best friend or let anyone else say anything bad about her best friend. Being beaten up in front of an extremely large crowd and seeing her best friend film and laugh the was the lowest moment. Kessa is still trying to process it and she is still mourning.
We pulled Kessa out of her classes at the high school she was attending and signed her up for online classes. Kessa had been confronted by the same girl the weekend before the big fight. The girl saw Kessa going into Circle K as she was driving by in her car. The girl made a u-turn and went into Circle K. Kessa saw when the girl walked into Circle K and was scared. Kessa ran into the bathroom. The girl and her friends could not find Kessa, so they checked the bathroom and found Kessa. The girl was angry at Kessa and called her a whore because the boy the girl liked did not like her, but liked Kessa. So stupid!!!! It's not Kessa's fault if a boy likes her! It's ridiculous! The kids that Kessa had hungout with when she was making bad choices are very, very lost. They have chips on their shoulders. They fight against any authority and pretty much against anyone that does not tell them what they want to hear. We did not feel Kessa was safe in anyway. There was also a boy that dealt drugs at the high school that would harass Kessa ever since she decided to not hangout with anyone doing drugs or participating in activities that were harmful.
My sweet, full of life Kessa became a shell of herself. Kessa became part of my every waking moments. I stopped sleeping. I ate horribly. I stopped caring about anything else but my daughter. Brian and I did everything we could to save our precious Kessa.
Kessa is still going through mourning. She is going through mourning friends, or those she thought were friends. She is mourning what could have been. She is mourning the life she knew before this year from hell. She is mourning innocence. She is mourning her trust in others. I don't know how to rebuild Kessa. You can tell someone how wonderful and beautiful and talented they are - but I am just the mom. I have told her how precious she is from the time she was little. I have told her she is a daughter of God, but I don't even know if she believes in God now.
And just FYI, Kendra was like me when I was in high school. She also has an inner confidence (self worth) and so she is confident in who she is. When Kendra was in high school she accepted everyone, including those that were struggling with addictions or other vices. I would often ask her to invite someone that was struggling to do something with her friends. I am not sure if she did invite whoever it was that I told her to think about inviting. The point is that I knew that Kendra was solid. She was obedient, still is, and she knows who she is. The gospel makes sense to her and she feels that living the gospel brings her peace. So, as a parent, I felt that she should strive to be more aware of those that were struggling. Why would I teach my daughter who is doing what is right to not hangout with those that are struggling? Some parents forget to teach their children to invite others and accept everyone because their children have a great group of friends and are not struggling. There are many outwardly "good" kids that are struggling in secret. They are ashamed. They don't want to admit to anyone that they have addictions or struggles. They want to live "righteously" when they are around others, but they struggle with inner demons when alone. It easy to judge those whose sins are made public. I remember going to church one Sunday and sitting behind a family that I had never seen before. I have a very hard time with nicotine. It makes me feel sick right away. The family in front of me reeked of smoke (nicotine). As I sat there having a hard time breathing in the nicotine, I had the thought, "What if everyone's sins stunk?" If everyone's sins stunk when they walked into church, the person smelling like nicotine would smell like roses compared to everyone else. Church is for sinners. Everyone no matter their addictions or sins should feel invited and accepted. It's easy to be self righteous when everyone perceives you as being "good" and all your sins are in secret.
Kessa has a huge chunk of my heart. Without her I feel like I would not want to continue living. It is excruciating to watch the most precious person crumble.
We are doing everything we can to build Kessa up, but we can't force her to feel self-worth inside. That is what it comes down to. Kessa did not know her self-worth and that is why she chose to follow those doing bad things. Kessa has been taught what is right. She has been taught that she is a precious daughter of God. She has been hugged and told "I love you" multiple times everyday of her life. I am not Kessa so I do not know exactly how she feels. I do know that she is an amazing young woman. I know that she is worthy of love. She is worthy of good friends. She is worthy of acceptance by others. Kessa is my everything. I love her so much. It saddens me that she was taken advantage of (I did not go into that aspect of her experience this past school year), betrayed by those she loved, and abused in EVERY way.
Yes, Kessa made her own choices to start doing things that were not right. She also made the choice to start trying to change for the better. Unfortunately, trying to do what is right made everything harder for her. Instead of others building her up, she was torn down, especially by those that should know better.
I have been a positive person. I love having fun! I find humor in situations easily. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel blessed to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. This experience has been heart wrenching. It has not made me lose any of my faith in the gospel. The people that are in the church are not the gospel. I forgive others easily. When it comes to this situation however, it has been much more difficult for me to forgive. I listen to some of the teenagers talk about what a great experience they had at FSY and all about how they love the gospel. Yet, I have watched them do the opposite of what Christ would do. Again, I have been guilty of the same behavior and attitudes. It is extremely hard to watch a situation unfold that could have gone in a completely different direction if others had stepped up. I sometimes feel naive and stupid to believe that those in the gospel would be the ones to love and accept my Kessa. Like I mentioned, I have not always been perfect at being accepting and unjudgmental. None of us are perfect and we all sin. I have been way less than perfect and I have sinned. As a mother, all I wanted was for my daughter to be accepted. It pains my heart still. I hope that I can forgive and let go. I hope that Kessa can choose on her own that she is worthy with or without others acceptance.
This is only a smidgen of the experiences we have gone through this past school year. We are still trudging uphill and fighting the good fight. I am learning so much about myself. I thought I understood the gospel of Jesus Christ. I thought I had the tools to parent. Every child is different. I don't have all the tools I need! I am learning and stretching. Stretching is not comfortable. I have a long ways to go.
This has opened my eyes to what other parents and teenagers may have gone through or are going through. It is so easy to judge how others parent. What I have realized is that no one else knows what the heck they are talking about when it comes to other's situations. They do not have the entire picture. They are judging off of their perception. It is not the actual truth. I do know one fact in all of this, I have loved my children beyond any love I have ever felt in my lifetime or will ever feel in my lifetime. My daughters have been my world. I love them with my entire heart and would do anything for them. I am learning that I can't fight their battles. I can support, teach, and encourage, but I can't force. They have to do the work themselves. They have to fight their own battles. They will go through hard times. A parent can love, encourage, support, discipline, and do everything perfectly and still have a child that chooses differently. I would love if my children went through life with no mistakes, heartaches, or transgressions - but then I would be following Satan's plan. Having struggles and overcoming them makes a person stronger.
One last thought, which is actually huge! Family is everything. Kessa has grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that love her unconditionally. They have been there for her during this hard time. We are soooo blessed to have the family support. Kessa knows that she has the best family and that they love her. Her family has made an enormous impact on her. She knows that she has been blessed with the best grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Her sister means the world to her. They are blessed to have each other.
I have struggled sharing this blog post. I finally decided to put it out there no matter if the truth hurts for some people.
