(I was in pain for two days so Brian took me to the emergency room. I was admitted to the hospital and had my gallbladder removed the next morning.)
These videos were filmed by Brian a week and a half ago. I have been put under anesthesia 16 times and I have never reacted this way. I have no recollection of any of this. Brian told me that I talked about him for an hour! I laughed when I first saw the video clips and I also got choked up.
I was extremely independent the first ten years of our marriage. I got ill in an instant on October 31st 2009 that changed me and our relationship. Brian become my caretaker and became like a single parent. I never heard him complain. He only ever cared about how I was doing and that our girls were doing well. I know it was extremely difficult for him to have to be responsible for everything. I would have loved to be my independent self that didn’t need help, but that was not in the cards no matter how much I wanted it. It changed the dynamics in our relationship and changed pretty much everything in our lives. I went from being independent to relying on Brian for almost everything. I got sick a few times before I got my brain disorder and I was insistent that everyone leave me alone as I puked my guts up or drove myself to the doctor’s office with a 103 temperature. I was strong-willed and fiercely independent. That completely changed on October 31st of 2009. I have never felt completely secure or as in control of my life since that horrible day. If I get sick now then I want Brian right by my side because I am scared that something horrible could happen like it did in 2009. I obviously have trauma from being ill for so long.
Brian has only shown love towards me through everything we have been through. I was told I would not be able to have children naturally six months into our marriage. Brian was so loving. I was the one that was angry. We went through in vitro fertilization and then a horrible pregnancy. We had only been married for about a year when I got hyperemesis gravidarum. No one that sick is going to be intimate. He was a newlywed and all he cared about was me. He was not selfish once. I was much more independent at the time, even though I was miserable. I preferred not having people around and dealing with the misery on my own. Brian was going to U of A at the time as a full time student and trying to work on the farm. I went into preterm labor and was in the hospital for two weeks. He would come to the hospital the moment he got out of school and would sleep in the horrible hospital chair. Needless to say, he did not get the best grades at that time. After Kendra was born, he would wake up in the middle of the night for every feeding because I was so weak after going through a pregnancy that depleted everything in me.
Brian was positive and encouraging throughout our process of adoption. He had the attitude that if we were meant to have more children then it would happen. He has been my partner and best friend every step of the way.
Kendra was 7 and Kessa was 3 when I was struck with illness on October 31st 2009. Those years were the most difficult in my entire life. It was hell. I know that there have been some sad repercussions due to me not being able to be as present for many years. At least I see it as repercussions. I am also blessed beyond measure that I was able to watch my two girls grow up. Although I was unable to do everything I would have done if I had been well, I was able to be part of my daughter's lives. All I ever wanted to do was be their mom.
We went through a legal battle while I was sick around 2011. It was scary. I am grateful for the faith of a good man. The Lord blessed us.
There have been ups and downs with Brian's career. It was a very difficult decision for him to leave the family farm. It has taken us down a path that is unknown. We are relying on the Lord and each other.
Like I mentioned, I have been put under anesthesia 16 times. Fourteen of those times was after I got married to Brian. Some were minor like getting my wisdom teeth out. Others were more serious like the five hour surgery taking out what they thought was a tumor. My deformed fallopian tube had filled up with fluid and attached itself to my bowl. Recuperating was so fun!😏 I also had an ectopic pregnancy. I woke up from that surgery blacking out every time I tried to sit up and then I would want to throw up. Good times. Another time I thought the surgery made me schizophrenic.😂 I guess I did go schizophrenic temporarily. I kept hearing people slamming doors and yelling. For instance, I would hear someone in the other room yell, "GET OUT OF HERE" and then a door slam. It was freaky! I have some weird reactions to anesthetics. Thank goodness it did not last after the first day, but then I became very sick. Of course Brian was right by my side the entire time encouraging me.
Brian is the hardest worker. I planned on going back to college once Kessa started Kindergarten to get a teaching degree. That all went out the window when I got sick in 2009. Brian has been a wonderful provider for our family. He is the one that has taken care of all of our temporal needs and wants. He has been there for our family as a spiritual leader. He has been there as our rock.
We have dealt with Kessa having drug addiction and living a dark life. It has been heartbreaking. She is a beautiful girl with a very sensitive soul. She is very wounded and hurt. Jesus Christ loves all of God's children. Kessa's worth is precious in the sight of God no matter her choices. I pray that she will be able to choose on her own to want better for herself. I thought the worst thing in the world would be if one of my children decided not to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Ha! The worst thing is watching the person you would give your life for not care about her own life. I have learned so much about drug addiction and mental health issues. I hope that someday Kessa will know her worth. She has sooo many talents. She has a purpose on this earth. She is one of the greatest blessings in my life. It has been extremely difficult. I can't describe all the emotions, doubts, shame and heartache. I thought it hurt so bad when I found out that she told people lies about me and Brian her Sophomore year of high school. I could care less about that anymore. Who cares what others think! Kessa doesn't do that anymore. I have to give her grace that she was young and rebelling. She knows that her parents love her very much. She knows that we want better for her. We have tried everything we know how to get her the help she needs. As of right now, she has chosen to not get any help for anything. She thinks she is free and able to do whatever she wants which she thinks means happiness.
I have learned a great deal about agency. I don't know any loving parent who would not be in despair when finding out one's child is living the opposite of what you have taught and the way you have lived. Loving parents will try everything they know how and they will make mistakes. We are not given a handbook on how to deal with a child that does the complete opposite of everything you have taught them. I can honestly and sincerely say that Brian and I have tried everything we knows how. We have depleted our savings trying to save our daughter. I would go into millions of dollars of debt if I knew in the end that it would save my daughter. I have come to realize that I can't save her. She has to choose for herself at this point. Of course Brian and I will always be here to help her. We have realized that you can't make your child feel a certain way. No matter how many times you say I love you or that they mean everything to you or how amazing they are...they have to believe it themselves.
I have also come to know my Savior and his love for each one of us. The Savior loves Kessa perfectly no matter what. He knows her and what she feels. I have had to let go of so much fear. If I held onto the fear then I would never sleep and I would be a mess every day. I lived that way for a few years. So did Brian. We are striving to concentrate on our own faith and testimonies. It is hard to hand over all control. We still give advice and try to influence, but we know we have no control at this point. Kessa is an adult. If she came to us and said, "I want to change." Holy moly! I would shout hallelujah! You can't force someone to want to do what is right. You can't force someone to live a clean life. You can't force someone to see the way you see. I wish I could when it comes to Kessa. I told her one time, "Kessa, if you could just see and feel how your Heavenly Father sees you, you would never doubt your worth and who you are." I pray for an Alma the Younger story. (A story in the book of Mormon about a rebellious son and his faithful father.) God gave us agency. I still hope and pray every day that Kessa will be protected even when she makes dangerous choices. I love her so much and hope for a day when she will love herself.
Now we are in California where I know no one. There have been many friendly people, but it is not family or friends that I have known forever. It is not home. Brian is my only friend here. Once again, we have each other. He is my home.
I can't imagine going through this life with anyone else. How did I get the best man in the world? I do not want to think about doing this life without him. He is my best friend. We both have put each other first above all else throughout our marriage. I have never wanted to have to rely on anyone. My nature was to be independent and deal with everything on my own. I never pictured when I got married to Brian the challenges we would face and how I would have to accept him taking care of me in my times of utter need. My greatest blessing and the best choice I have ever made is marrying Brian Vance Layton. He is "the guy that does stuff for me". He is more than what I had pictured in my mind as prince charming. I love him. I am grateful he is my best friend on this earth and my eternal companion. He is "my man". He has shown me what a marriage should be. Heavenly Father truly blessed me putting Brian into my path. He truly has been "the guy that takes care of me".
