Hindsight is NOT Always 20/20

Hindsight is 20/20 Definition:   It is easy for one to be knowledgeable about an event after it has happened. 

Foresight Definition:  The ability to predict or the action of predicting what will happen or be needed in the future.

Eyesight Definition:  A person's ability to see with one's eyes.


I don't even have perfect eyesight let alone any other "sight".  Even my Hindsight is blurry right now.  

Have you ever looked back and thought:

"Could I have done better?"
"Should I have changed this or that?"
"Why did I do that?"

This past school year has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.  I have learned a great deal about myself.  I can look back and wonder if I had to do it all over again, would I change the things I did, said, and/or acted?  That is where my hindsight is blurry.  If I could do it all over again I could change myself in situations, but I have no idea if the outcome would be the same or not.  I have learned a great deal about myself this year.

Before the school year started, I had no foresight.  Each moment I had to go by faith.  My main goal in each moment was to make each moment count and to love my family.  

One aspect of myself is that I have the ability to love deeply.  Love is a choice.  The term "falling in love" is mainly a chemical reaction.  But to love is a choice.  It is what is in one's heart.  It is the selfless choice and ability to care about another person and to care about that person's feelings and experience above one's own.  The deepest love I have felt in my life is for Brian and my children.  This year I learned that I did not have to raise a child to love him as my own.  

Loving and caring about others is ingrained in me.  With that strength can come weaknesses also.  I have always been the type of mom that just lets things happen.  Kendra and Kessa have always told me about what is going on in their lives.  If they have a problem, I definitely feel for them.  I would love to fix it, but I know I can't.  We can talk about it, we can pray, I can try to help them, but the situation is theirs.  

This year I wanted so badly to make everything good that I tried to protect feelings and control some situations.  Not a ton, but I definitely tried to control or protect certain aspects.  I thought that trying to control anything of that nature was not in me.  Clearly I was wrong.  Sometimes I was trying to protect myself and other times I was trying to protect others.  Insecurities would come out and I would put that on others to help me feel more secure in the relationship or situation.  Some insecurities I had before my illness do not exist in me now.  It is like they just disappeared overnight once I got sick.  This year I learned that I can have different kinds of insecurities.  Yes, the year was wonderful.  Everything I desired happened:  Laughter, love, fun times.  But I wonder if things would have been better if I had not been scared and had let go of trying to control moments and feelings.  That is where my foresight comes in and is very blurry.  I do not know if things would have been better.  The overall feelings from this year is love.  I have laughed harder then I have in years.  I felt more carefree then I have since before I got sick.  It was as though I was finally able to let loose and let go of the haunting years my illness had over me.

In the end, I can't determine how someone else feels or thinks.  Everyone's perspective can be so different.  I can love with everything I have in me and still not be able to make another person feel, think, or do the same as me.  I can sacrifice and not be appreciated.  I can say and do things for one reason and others think I am doing it for a completely different reason.  I can do something or say something and the other person misinterpret it.  I can give everything in me and get nothing back.  In the end, I have to evaluate my own heart.  Do I make mistakes?  Yes.  Do I have insecurities?  Yes.  Have I tried at times to control other's happiness?  Yes.  Overall, though, I know that my intentions are good, even though I have things to change (don't we all!)  Brian told me that I have the biggest heart and the capability to love another person deeply.  He has also told me that in his experience that I am not normal.  (I've heard that before - haha!)  He has told me that I can just love others with no strings.  He told me that I am not normal in that I easily see my part in things instead of blaming or making excuses.  He knows that if I hear of another person's hard circumstances that I put myself in the situation and my heart breaks.  I can't live with myself if I feel I am being dishonest in any way.  My conscious can't handle it.  So, even though there are mistakes that I have made this past year, I know that more than anything I just wanted everyone to feel LOVE.     

Relationships mean everything to me.  I have a very, very small circle of people that I feel my complete self with.  I can show and be my worst self, and I know that small circle of people will still love me, no matter what.  That small circle of people is like a little circle protecting me and it is very hard to get into that circle.  I care deeply for everyone outside that circle, but the difference is that I can be my authentic self, flaws and all with my little circle.  The people in my little circle could fight with me and get me so mad, they can tell me off, or even make huge mistakes.  It doesn't matter, though, because I know that our relationship will still be there.  It won't change all the good and it won't change our love for each other.  That circle is Brian, my children, my parents, my sisters, and my one best friend.  It is a small circle.  They are the ones I feel know ME, all my flaws and all my weaknesses, and they still love me!  That is what is amazing.  I always was told, and knew, that family is what is important and matters most.  But it wasn't until I got very sick for a long period of time that I realized how much that statement is true.  I now am so focused on my small circle that I rarely notice anything outside of that circle.  I still don't know if that is a bad or good thing.  I do know that my small circle means everything to me.

I have come to realize that I will always have things to work on and things to improve about myself.  The only thing I can do is work on myself and move on.  Those in my small circle will still be there, and that is what matters to me.