One aspect of being physically ill and experiencing PTSD, which entails major anxiety and depression, is that I gained empathy. I was never a person that was depressed. I thought that people with depression just needed to think positive and they could be cured or that they must have had something horrible happen to them in their childhood for them to have depression. I do think that there has been a lot more education on the subject since the time before I got ill, and with the internet, it has helped for others to understand, even if a person has never experienced depression. I do not have depression, but I experienced being depressed because I was physically ill. If someone had told me to just be positive, I think I would have thrown up on them! The moment I physically felt better, I also felt better emotionally. I was back to my happy, perky self. It is amazing how much the physical body is connected to our emotions and mentality. Being depressed for a long period of time due to being physically ill has given me empathy for those that deal with chronic depression. Those with depression are not weak. They are the strong ones. They keep going, which is like a war constantly being fought. I look up to all those that deal with depression or any type of mental disorder. I wish I could make the pain and frustration go away for them. They truly are the strong ones. As far as PTSD, I thought only those that went to war or had a gun pulled on them had PTSD. When I was told I had PTSD, I did not believe it. I just thought I was feeling depressed, constantly scared, unable to sleep, having nightmares, jumpy, having awful thoughts, and constantly trying to avoid all triggers or reminders of the trauma (including any songs that I liked listening to right before I got sick, or eating the cereal I was eating the morning I got sick (it was Cheerios, BTW), or getting on Facebook because I had checked Facebook that morning, or driving by the gym where I worked out before I got sick, or a million (literally it felt like a million) other triggers. I could not listen to church hymns because it reminded me of death and caused me to have triggers. I could not talk about any memory or thing that I liked doing before I got sick without crying. My ears got all whacked out from me constantly crying which did not help. So, I didn't believe I had PTSD even though I had almost every symptom of PTSD. haha. I have learned first hand that one does not have to be a soldier on a battle field or have had a gun pulled on her to get PTSD. PTSD can happen in a split second to anyone.
When a person is completely normal one moment, and the next second the person feels his/her life is being threatened, it can cause an immense amount of panic. No one was home that morning because Brian took the girls with him. I remember feeling excited that I would be able to eat breakfast in a quiet home because that rarely happened. I was usually the one that got breakfast for the kids and got them ready for the day. I was sitting there one moment enjoying breakfast and watching some peppy show, not thinking about anything when I noticed tingling in my feet. I thought maybe my feet were falling asleep, but then I started getting tingling in my hands. It was a very weird sensation, so I stood up to walk around. Then I started losing strength and that is the first time I had a thought that this was not right. I still did not call 9-1-1. I laid down and tried to get in touch with Brian, but by the time he picked up I could barely whisper, "Come home" and I hung up. I then dialed my friend that lived down the street and thank goodness she answered. I just whispered, "Come now." She knew something was off because usually I am like, "HEEEELOOOO!" (Think Seinfield) My friend told me to call 9-1-1, so I did. I don't think that was the moment my mind flipped though, and I won't write about it because it is too hard. I think Brian is the only one that I have shared everything with, and he experienced his own kind of trauma during this period of time also.
I will not relay in this post the horrible time that caused my mind to flip, but I will relay one thought I had in my moment of panic. I was at the hospital after I called 9-1-1 (which I never thought I would call in my life) and I felt I could not breathe. I had to concentrate on taking breaths. I felt the weakest I have ever felt. I thought I was dying right there. The scariest part was that the weakness and shortness of breath happened within a matter of two minutes. It got worse and worse until I could not respond to people. I could not communicate to Brian or anyone around me, so I was alone with my thoughts. I remember trying to come to peace that my sweet girls, ages 3 and 7, would be taken care of and loved enough. Just writing this has made me cry, so I will stop going down that dark mental path. I also will not write about the thoughts I had dealing with PTSD, or I may be sent to a psych ward. All I know is that if someone like me - a person that was always excited about life, a person that found the humor in everything, a person that smiled 90% of the time - could have her world flipped 180 degrees in a split second, that anyone is susceptible to experiencing mental trauma. Part of my mental state also had to do with my doctor not finding anything wrong with me, but I felt physically horrible. I swear he thought it was all in my head. I obviously was dealing with PTSD, so ya, I was a little crazy in the head - but the entire reason I was having mental issues was because of my physical issues! It was the hospital doctors that first realized that I could not breathe well and then it was a neurologist that diagnosed me with my brain disorder. I had been to so many specialists and neurology was the very last place I thought I would ever be diagnosed with something. If one is nauseated and having stomach and bowel issues, the brain is not the place I would think there was a problem.🤷♀️ I thought the visit was going to be like all the rest and that nothing would come of it. It took a year to figure out the cause of everything, but thanks to my amazing neurologist, I finally started on a path to healing, which took many more years. The brain is still a mystery. Although my doctor knew the problem, it is hard to come up with any solution to help the symptoms. I feel it is a miracle that with a lot of neurological therapy (yes,that is a thing where one has to do all these balance exercises and hand/eye coordination stuff) and trial testing different medications - my doctor was able to finally find what worked for my brain so I am able to function like a human being again and live life!
It took both Brian and I a long time to not think about my brain disorder or the triggers on a daily basis. The only time I have triggers mentally now is if I have symptoms caused by my brain disorder. It will bring back triggered thoughts immediately. One other aspect that I learned, besides having empathy for others going through hardship, is not to compare. I remember not wanting to tell my friend at the time how I was feeling because she had gone through cancer. She is a very wise person and told me, "How do you know if I had it harder than you? I felt sick for days at a time, not months." (which actually turned into years for me.) Her point was that just because she had cancer did not mean that she was worse off than me who did not have a diagnosis at the time and could not function to even make it to the bathroom on a daily basis. It has helped me to remember that every person has his/her own experience even if he/she has the same disease or disorder. If someone is telling you how she feels, then trust that is exactly how she feels! Don't question it. Every single person's response to medication, surgery, or disease is unique. Our bodies are unique. One person is not mentally more tough than another just because her physical symptoms are very little. That is the biggest bunch of bull honky! I can't judge what another is feeling or going through. Weather it is mental or physical, what matters is caring for the person that is ailing.
This blog post is not about the physical aspect of that time in my life. That is a novel for a different time. Plus, I am not ready to say things like bloody stools and pee, etc. Our mind, body, and spirits are so connected. I did not feel like my prayers were answered for years. I am able to look back and realize the miracles that occurred. It was not the answer I wanted. If I had my way, I would not have a brain disorder. I would switch back in a heartbeat to my physical body before I got ill. I know there are much worse things that I could have been diagnosed with, but the period of time when I did not know what the heck was going on, that was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. My heart hurts for anyone dealing with a life threatening illness or a disorder that affects his/her quality of life. A disorder can take away all quality of life where one does not have much of a life except to get through each day. A disorder can cause other ailments in the body. Although I wish I could change what happened, I can see now that Heavenly Father did place people in our lives at that time to get us through an extraordinarily hard time in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually, and occupationally. Is that a word? haha. My doctor is miracle in my life. I truly feel that being sent to him, especially because I thought it was a joke to be sent to a neurologist, is a miracle! He is a 5'5, maybe 5'6, little guy with an enormous brain! He has used all of his knowledge to help those with my type of brain disorder and others that deal with Parkinson's, MS and other balance disorders. I hugged him once and I could tell it was awkward for him, but I feel like my life is owed to him.
I will not relay in this post the horrible time that caused my mind to flip, but I will relay one thought I had in my moment of panic. I was at the hospital after I called 9-1-1 (which I never thought I would call in my life) and I felt I could not breathe. I had to concentrate on taking breaths. I felt the weakest I have ever felt. I thought I was dying right there. The scariest part was that the weakness and shortness of breath happened within a matter of two minutes. It got worse and worse until I could not respond to people. I could not communicate to Brian or anyone around me, so I was alone with my thoughts. I remember trying to come to peace that my sweet girls, ages 3 and 7, would be taken care of and loved enough. Just writing this has made me cry, so I will stop going down that dark mental path. I also will not write about the thoughts I had dealing with PTSD, or I may be sent to a psych ward. All I know is that if someone like me - a person that was always excited about life, a person that found the humor in everything, a person that smiled 90% of the time - could have her world flipped 180 degrees in a split second, that anyone is susceptible to experiencing mental trauma. Part of my mental state also had to do with my doctor not finding anything wrong with me, but I felt physically horrible. I swear he thought it was all in my head. I obviously was dealing with PTSD, so ya, I was a little crazy in the head - but the entire reason I was having mental issues was because of my physical issues! It was the hospital doctors that first realized that I could not breathe well and then it was a neurologist that diagnosed me with my brain disorder. I had been to so many specialists and neurology was the very last place I thought I would ever be diagnosed with something. If one is nauseated and having stomach and bowel issues, the brain is not the place I would think there was a problem.🤷♀️ I thought the visit was going to be like all the rest and that nothing would come of it. It took a year to figure out the cause of everything, but thanks to my amazing neurologist, I finally started on a path to healing, which took many more years. The brain is still a mystery. Although my doctor knew the problem, it is hard to come up with any solution to help the symptoms. I feel it is a miracle that with a lot of neurological therapy (yes,that is a thing where one has to do all these balance exercises and hand/eye coordination stuff) and trial testing different medications - my doctor was able to finally find what worked for my brain so I am able to function like a human being again and live life!
It took both Brian and I a long time to not think about my brain disorder or the triggers on a daily basis. The only time I have triggers mentally now is if I have symptoms caused by my brain disorder. It will bring back triggered thoughts immediately. One other aspect that I learned, besides having empathy for others going through hardship, is not to compare. I remember not wanting to tell my friend at the time how I was feeling because she had gone through cancer. She is a very wise person and told me, "How do you know if I had it harder than you? I felt sick for days at a time, not months." (which actually turned into years for me.) Her point was that just because she had cancer did not mean that she was worse off than me who did not have a diagnosis at the time and could not function to even make it to the bathroom on a daily basis. It has helped me to remember that every person has his/her own experience even if he/she has the same disease or disorder. If someone is telling you how she feels, then trust that is exactly how she feels! Don't question it. Every single person's response to medication, surgery, or disease is unique. Our bodies are unique. One person is not mentally more tough than another just because her physical symptoms are very little. That is the biggest bunch of bull honky! I can't judge what another is feeling or going through. Weather it is mental or physical, what matters is caring for the person that is ailing.
This blog post is not about the physical aspect of that time in my life. That is a novel for a different time. Plus, I am not ready to say things like bloody stools and pee, etc. Our mind, body, and spirits are so connected. I did not feel like my prayers were answered for years. I am able to look back and realize the miracles that occurred. It was not the answer I wanted. If I had my way, I would not have a brain disorder. I would switch back in a heartbeat to my physical body before I got ill. I know there are much worse things that I could have been diagnosed with, but the period of time when I did not know what the heck was going on, that was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. My heart hurts for anyone dealing with a life threatening illness or a disorder that affects his/her quality of life. A disorder can take away all quality of life where one does not have much of a life except to get through each day. A disorder can cause other ailments in the body. Although I wish I could change what happened, I can see now that Heavenly Father did place people in our lives at that time to get us through an extraordinarily hard time in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually, and occupationally. Is that a word? haha. My doctor is miracle in my life. I truly feel that being sent to him, especially because I thought it was a joke to be sent to a neurologist, is a miracle! He is a 5'5, maybe 5'6, little guy with an enormous brain! He has used all of his knowledge to help those with my type of brain disorder and others that deal with Parkinson's, MS and other balance disorders. I hugged him once and I could tell it was awkward for him, but I feel like my life is owed to him.
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