(SCROLL TO THE END FOR STATISTICS AND ARTICLES ON PORN AND THE EFFECTS IT IS HAVING ON ADOLESCENTS AND YOUNG ADULTS.)
Obviously I don't know if your children are actually watching porn. I do know that your children have seen porn. Do I know if they are addicted? No, I obviously do not know if your children are addicted to pornography. I do know that every child will see pornography, more than once. If you do not believe your child has seen pornography then you are in denial. How a child reacts to seeing pornography is what will determine if porn becomes an issue or an addiction. Something I have learned in the past two years is that no matter how much we teach our children by word and by deed, every child has to make a choice to follow a parent's counsel or not.
Two years ago I was thrust into a world that I never thought I would live. Brian and I have had a house filled with the gospel and with love. We have taught our girls the dangers of all addictions. Unfortunately Brian and I have had to learn about a darker side of life due to our child taking drugs. Drugs and alcohol are now a temptation for her. She has lapses, but she is continually working towards being sober. I thought that if I taught my girls about what drugs does to a person (it ruins lives) that they would never take part in any type of alcohol or drugs.
We have a wonderful, loving home. Our girls know they are loved and accepted. It shocked us how much drugs changes a person. Our child even made up stories about us not letting her eat or abusing her. She wanted to fit in with all the other kids that complained about how awful their parents are and/or she was bothered that we had rules that some of her friends did not have at their houses. Our other child has never thought that my husband and I are strict. We always had rules about the internet and what our children had access to with digital devices and on the internet. Other than that, we were lenient. As long as their homework and jobs were done, they could go out and have fun with friends.
I am grateful that my child can see and FEEL more clearly now. She has expressed almost everyday how her family is what helps her to continue on. Drugs makes someone a completely different person. She has been strong and hopefully will continue to learn to say NO! She has seen a darker side of life and does not ever want to go back there. That doesn't mean that she won't have the temptation. What does this have to do with pornography? It doesn't, but I wanted to explain how I got involved in being around those that have addictions. I have seen the affects that any addiction can have on marriages and families. Porn is the greatest addiction in the USA today. It isn't meth or crack or whatever. It is porn. Every loved one in the addict's life will be effected. Weather it is the affection lost between a couple, or a daughter's self-image being torn down due to her dad's views of women, or a son's views on how he should treat his future spouse.
I talked to a person who is LDS. This person's parents had every safety precaution in place and had taught their children what to do when confronted with porn. One day in SIXTH GRADE there was the class and video about puberty and the reproduction system. The girl went to her best friend's house after school that day. They both talked about how they had never seen a penis. Why any girl in sixth grade would even want to see a penis is beyond me. The idea of a pony tail (haha) hanging from a guy's body was disgusting to me in sixth grade! The first time I saw a penis was on my wedding night! When I was in sixth grade, my friends and I went home after the whole sex educational video at school and stuck maxi pads that we had gotten that day as "a gift" all over her bedroom walls. It was hilarious to us. Back to the girl and her friend curious about penises... The girl and her friend decided to look up penises on the computer. The computer that was her own personal computer that she kept in her room and had access to at all times! The two girls watched porn. Even though her parents had taught her what to do when confronted with porn, the girl did not think it was that big of a deal to look up penises on her friend's computer. They were desensitized to the idea of men's bodies and to sex. Every time the girl went to her friend's house, they had access to anything they wanted on the internet. They both started having sex at a young age and did not think sex was a big deal. They hung out with boys that watched porn and did not think porn was a big deal. Watching porn the first time in sixth grade changed their entire concept of sex and relationships. They became completely desensitized.
The girl that told me about the experience had parents that taught her the dangers of porn. She chose to watch the porn out of curiosity more than anything, but the one experience made her desensitized. The other girl came from LDS parents who might have told her that porn was bad, but the parents gave the girl her own computer with no parental locks. They allowed her to have a computer in her room. It is sad to me that the girl that told me her experience had chosen to watch porn out of curiosity, even though her parents had taught her to walk away from any form of porn. What makes me angry are the parents that gave their daughter her own computer with no parental locks, and the parents allowed her to have access to the computer in her room. They are either highly naïve or they are just lazy and do not care. I know parents that do not think it is worth fighting with their child so they just give in. That is horrible. It is definitely worth the fight to save my children from a life of addiction or being desensitized to what is supposed to be sacred.
The story that was shared opened my eyes and woke me up! Just because someone is in your ward and seems like a family that is strong in the gospel does not mean that the family has the same parental locks on social media or the internet.
I have considered myself someone that is aware of what is going on around my kids. I have tried my absolute hardest to teach them right from wrong. I am soooo grateful that we caught on to our child being involved in dark things quickly. It is still extremely, extremely, extremely hard to try and reverse the damage. The damage happens almost immediately. It makes sense to me that leaders teach to never try drugs, not even once. I am realizing that I have not known everything I needed to know. We are supposed to teach and guide our children, but if we do not have all the information then how are we supposed to protect them? Not once did I think about calling up my children's friend's parents to ask them what their rules about the internet are and what they do to protect their kids. Our children are already desensitized due to what they see and hear at school and social media. Even if our children have private accounts or connected accounts to our phones, they are still being exposed. We can only do so much. However, as a parent, I want to know that I have done everything in MY power to keep my children safe. I would rather be uncomfortable calling up other parents to ask them about what rules and locks they have in place then for my child to end up with a porn addiction.
We can teach our children everything that is good and they can still choose to do the opposite. Some kids are born rule followers or see that living a certain way keeps them safe. I have one of those types of kids also. Other kids are born with a high sense of curiosity. They do not like being told they can't do something. Even if you tell them the consequences, they think that you are full of garbage or that they will be fine. They learn the hard way, unfortunately. As a parent, I want to know that I have done everything in my power to teach and guide my children about what is right. I know from personal experience that when it comes down to it, each child is going to choose for himself/herself. If a child is determined to do what he/she wants then they will find a way. I also know that if a child does not have easy access to harmful material, whether that is drugs or porn, then the child is less likely to be exposed or become addicted. It is extremely important that we know our children's friends and what their home lives are like. I will never feel bad again for not wanting my child to go to certain people's homes. It is not being judgmental. It is having good judgment. Listen to your gut! Listen to the Holy Ghost!
I have learned that there are those that are not LDS that have stricter rules about phones and the internet then many within the LDS church. Do NOT assume that just because a family is actively involved in the LDS church that they think the same as you about phones and the internet. I know many families that are not LDS that I would trust more with my children. Never assume!
We do not have as much control once our children become teenagers. They will have to choose for themselves. But I know that we have more control then what we realize when our children are teenagers. If phone rules are broken then our child's phone can be taken away. Teenagers will hate you for taking their phone away. Would you rather them hate you now so you can save them and then have a good relationship later? Or would you rather try to keep the peace right now and damage your child's life because they have addiction or have horrible self worth?
I just listened to a podcast about a girl who decided she was trans. After a year of her daughter going to school and everyone knowing her daughter as a boy instead of a girl, the mom pulled her daughter out of the school and took her daughter's phone away. She did not force her daughter to be a girl, but she got her daughter away from the influences that were telling her that she was so brave and amazing for being trans. Her daughter insisted she was a boy and anything the mother would say was countered with screaming and profanity. Her daughter had no access to social media or to those in the public school anymore. Over the next two years, the daughter became softer. The mother would say something every once in awhile, but she chose to not fight with her daughter. If the daughter was in the car with her mom, the mom would play podcasts about children being indoctrinated about transgenderism. Her daughter would always pretend like she was asleep, but she knew that her daughter heard. Her daughter is now a beautiful, very girly girl. She had been a very girly girl when she was young. She was most definitely a girl and her mother knew it. The girl was confused because SHE IS A TEENAGER! The issue was that her daughter had low self worth and had no idea who she was. The daughter thought if she was a boy then her life would be better. The other issue was that everyone at school, including teachers, treated the girl like she was a hero and that she was so brave for being trans. The daughter had low self worth and wanted to fit in somewhere. The moment she CHOSE to be transgender, she was immediately accepted into a group of other misfits who told her everything she was craving. The world tiptoes around those that are LGBTQLMNOP now days. They treat them like they are made out of glass. If you say anything contrary to what they feel then they shatter and become victims. The school did not help the mother. She had to fight for her daughter on her own. Everyone applauded her daughter even though the mother knew that her daughter was not a boy.
My point is that parents in 2024 have got to be willing to fight. We have got to make tough choices that may make our children hate us for a time. If we are going to be parents then we have to be the best parents that the world has ever known because the war is raging harder than it ever has in history. Do we care more about our children being popular or playing sports or being on the pom team? Or do we care more about saving them from danger? It takes extreme measures to reverse the damage done by drugs, alcohol, porn addiction, and sexual/gender confusion. I think that those types of issues change a person forever. It doesn't mean that the person is forever damaged or that the person can't be pure again. It just means that the person is forever changed and will always have temptations.
I know that both of my girls have been taught what is right in a Christ centered home. I realize that they have to make choices on their own. However, when they are minors, it is my job to save them from themselves if they are doing things that will endanger their lives and their spirits. It is harder then I ever thought possible. It is sometimes excruciating. It is worth it to me because my children are what make my heart beat. If my children choose to make stupid choices when they are grown and on their own, I want to know that I did everything in my power to teach them what is right. What they decide then is on them.
Raising children in 2024 is not easy. When you have a child that is thriving and happy then life is blissful. When you have a child that is miserable then it can become hell. The love I have for my child and the atonement of Jesus Christ is the only thing that has gotten me through the darker days.
I am striving to take care of myself better and to realize that I can continue to find my own enjoyment in life even when my child chooses things that are not always right. I will continue the fight though! That is what I signed up for when I brought children into this world. To do otherwise is not an option. To do otherwise is neglectful.
I love being a mother. I have told my girls many times that being a mother is the best job in the world. For all the mothers that have strived to teach their children what is right and to have a child or children do the opposite of what you have taught them... I empathize. It is heartbreaking. I hope that you will fight with me to save our children. I don't know what the future holds, but I can only do what I can today. It is not a battle, it's a war. There are many on going battles. Right when you think it is over, another battle begins. It is exhausting, but what war is not exhausting. If I am going to fight for something, it is going to be for my children.
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READ (OR WATCH) THIS IF YOU ARE A PARENTS THAT FEELS HELPLESS AND HOPELESS:
If you feel like a failure as a parent, don't give up! Keep fighting! Here is a talk given by James E. Faust that has helped to lift me up as a mother with a child that has wandered. This is one of my absolute favorite talks (speeches).
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STATISTICS ON PORN:
- The average age of a child’s first exposure to porn is before the age of 11.
- Of people younger than 18, children under the age of 10 account for 22% of those watching online porn.
- 56% of divorce cases involve one party having an obsessive interest in online porn.
- There are currently at least 25 million porn websites.
- 83% of boys have seen group sex on the internet.
- 70.7% of tweens and 84.0% of teens encountered nudity or content of a sexual nature online.
- Pornhub recorded that users watched 5,824,699,200 hours of porn in 2019.
- Every minute, almost 220,000 views were added to Pornhub videos in 2019. That is 13,199,100 video views every hour. That’s more than 316,778,400 videos every day.
- 75% of young men ages 18-24 visit pornographic websites on at least a monthly basis.
- Only 3% of pornographic websites require age verification.
- 25% of search engine requests each day are pornography related—approximately 70 million per day.
- 2.5 billion emails per day are pornographic.
- 75% of young adult males watch porn on a regular basis
- Internet Safety 101, the “leading Internet safety organization” in the US, reports that by the age of 13, 40% of children have either sent or received a sext.
- Studies have noted that early intentionally exposure to pornography use in children and adolescents can lead to delinquent behavior, high-risk sexual behavior, and substance use.
The Affects of Pornography On The Teenage Brain (that will affect them into adulthood)
When an adolescent boy compulsively views pornography, his brain chemistry can become shaped around the attitudes and situations that he is watching. Sadly, pornography paints an unrealistic picture of sexuality and relationships that can create an expectation for real-life experiences that will never be fulfilled.
Just like addictive drugs, online pornography hyper-stimulates the pleasure centers in the brain – it stimulates those parts of our brains more strongly than the brain was ever meant to be stimulated. We all know that the reason that drugs like oxycodone and heroin are so addictive and so damaging, is because they hyper-stimulate the pleasure center of the brain. Addictive drugs release so much Dopamine that people experience such a pleasurable effect, they continue to come back for more, even when there are serious negative consequences.
There are three problems with overstimulating the pleasure center with drugs or pornography. The first problem is the hyper-stimulation releases all of the Dopamine available, so that afterwards, there is none left. When there is no Dopamine left, regular things don’t seem as pleasurable any more.
The second problem is over-stimulation of the pleasure center resets our expectations about what is pleasurable. Online pornography can actually ruin some truly pleasurable things in life. Drugs and online pornography hyper-stimulate our brains so much that regular life starts to seem “not enough”. We see people in early recovery from drug addictions, find themselves feeling depressed and bored with life. Normal pleasures like spending time with family, watching movies, eating a good meal, being in nature, and participating in sports, have all lost their relevance. Online pornography does the same thing. Many young men are reporting that normal healthy relationships don’t get them very excited. There has now been identified a new condition called PIED – Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction.
There are reportedly many people affected and there are whole organizations set up to help people who have this condition. The concept is once your brain has become used to the unrealistic, graphic and never ending images of online pornography, regular sexual relationships are not sufficiently stimulating. And, some men are reporting long lasting erectile dysfunction. They say they would like to be sexual with their partners, but they find themselves not very interested. This leaves many women feeling confused and feeling inadequate. Online pornography is poisoning a lot of relationships.
The third problem is even worse. Teenagers have developing brains, and when these brains are exposed to this hyper-stimulation from on-line pornography it has the potential to cause long lasting or even permanent developmental problems. During childhood, adolescence and even early adulthood, our brains are developing. Young adults are creating new brain cells and new pathways. The pathways that get used a lot are deemed to be more relevant and these pathways become stronger. If the pleasure center is overstimulated, it can fail to develop its full size, and actually end up smaller. There is some evidence this is happening in some teenage brains exposed to online pornography. The damage may even be permanent – we just don’t know yet.
One question which is being asked is whether online pornography is any more dangerous than print magazines. The answer lies in the difference between cocaine powder and crack cocaine. They both have the same basic ingredient, but crack cocaine gets into the brain much faster and more powerfully, and it releases much more dopamine. Crack’s effects on the brain are much more severe.
The internet, with highly graphic, instantly available videos, has created an ongoing experiment with our teenagers. Pornography will have significant and devastating consequences.
According to Psychology Today:
Between the ages of 12 and 20, the human brain undergoes a period of great neuroplasticity. The brain is in a malleable phase during which billions of new synaptic connections are made. This leaves us vulnerable to the influence of our surroundings and leads our brains to be “wired” around the experiences and information that we receive during that time period.
A brain, especially the growing brain of an adolescent, is constantly attempting to improve its performance. This means that any experiences our children face will shape them and help develop both their social and moral character. When children repeatedly watch porn, they begin to see the world differently.
For young people of all genders and sexualities there are links between regular engagement with porn and earlier sexual debut, an increased likelihood to hold more permissive attitudes towards sexual activity, less progressive attitudes to gender roles, an increase in sexual preoccupancy, lower sexual satisfaction with partners, and an escalation in body surveillance.
In other words, porn affects brain development. It affects personality development. It affects current and future relationships. It affects body image. And it destroys a child’s innocence.
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This is just a synopsis on what porn does to your child's brain and it will shape his/her entire life. There are so many articles on the effects of porn in the development in the adolescent brain. It is easy to access that information and I hope that every parent will look it up. Sticking our heads in the sand will not help our children. I could post one hundred sites that will give you information on the negative affects that porn has on every person of every age. Porn is a plague ruining our society. Every pedophile is addicted to porn. Not every person addicted to porn is a pedophile. Every person addicted to porn or who watches porn on a regular basis will have it effect their lives and their relationships in negative ways. It is important to get our children or loved ones the help they need and deserve if they are addicted to pornography. The subject has to be an open discussion between parents and their children. When Brian was a bishop, he was shocked at how many teenagers had never even had a discussion about sex or pornography with their parents. Sex and pornography have to be an open discussion. If you think that your teenagers are not watching porn because you don't discuss it with them then you are at fault. You are in denial. You are ignorant! The only way to keep our children safe is by having open discussions with them. Then they will come to you when they are struggling because they know you are open and ready to help them. I am grateful that my girls do not have addictions to porn. However, if they did have an addiction with anything, including porn, I would hope that they would come to me for help. I have learned that it takes more than just telling our kids what is right and wrong to keep them on a good path. They will make mistakes. Just realize they will make mistakes because our world is nutso and there is sin surrounding our children on an everyday basis. There is hope though. There is always a way back no matter how many times we fall. But it is much easier to have our children know what to do when they are confronted with porn then to wait until they are addicted.
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