Drugs: A Blessing and a Curse

Drugs have been a blessing and a curse in my life.

For much too long I suffered with my vestibular issues without help.  I had no idea what was wrong.  I just knew that I was sick.  I found out from the ENT that my ears were fine, and he gave me the name of a neurologist that specializes in balance problems.  I am so grateful for the choice to go to the neurologist.  I was scared and I figured the neurologist wouldn’t find anything either.  On my first visit to Dr. Fife he knew exactly what my problem was and it took me quite awhile to accept it.  I don’t know if I have accepted it, but it was much better knowing than not knowing.  It was better than being told I had a blood clot in my brain (which I was told in the emergency room about one month prior to my neurologist visit.  I had double vision and obviously was sick.  It turned out I just have a big ‘ol vein in the back of my head that has been there since I was born – yay!  The double vision and sickness was caused by my vestibular problems, but I didn’t know it at the time.) 

One of the hard decisions was if I wanted to start medications or not.  Up to my thirties I had never taken medications.  I never really needed medications, unless I was in the hospital.  But after procedures in the hospital I would never take medications.  One would think it would have been an easy decision to start the medication since I was so sick.   My family doctor had tried so many medications before this point that I really felt like I was just an experiment.  So I obviously didn’t feel like trying another drug that was going to do nothing for me.  My family doctor tried to convince me that I was depressed and needed medication for depression and anxiety.  He acted like that would solve all the problems I was having (like it was made up in my head or something.)  I seriously thought at one point that I was going crazy.  I felt so ill and here my doctor was trying to prescribe me medications for something I had never had problems for in the past.  Of course I felt depressed and anxious during that time because I was extremely ill and had no idea why!  But I have never had clinical depression!  He couldn’t figure out what the problem was, so his final conclusion was that I was just freaking out!  If he had even known me before I got sick I think he would have had a clue!!!  I got off all the other medications (seven in all) and started the medication that my neurologist prescribed me.  I went from seven pills to two pills (one for my neurological issue and one for my stomach.)  Miraculously (and it really was a miracle) the medication helped.  When I say the medication helped it means that it took over a month for the medication to kick in to even see if it would help.  The medication prescribed to me helped produce a certain chemical in my brain.  Basically my brain chemistry changed when I got sick and that is what was causing all the motion sickness.  To say the medication helped is true, but to say it makes everything go away is false.  I still get motion sick extremely easy.  Sometimes I don’t even know why I start feeling motion sick. I’ll just be sitting and suddenly I get motion sick.  It isn’t the same as getting dizzy.  I feel like I am on a really bad airline flight all day.  The motion sickness does not go away quickly either.  It can stay for days or even weeks off and on.  I will go through periods where I feel almost normal, but I have never felt the same as I did before I got ill.  The medication prescribed to me helps with the flow of traffic in my brain.  I see things and then it goes through the middle ear and then to the brain.  When the chemicals that help things flow gets messed up and the brain can’t catch up then people get motion sick.  My problem happens in my vestibula and in my brain stem.  The medication I was taking helped a lot.  Before I started the medication I was unable to function AT ALL!  After the medication kicked in then I was able to function around the house, but I have always been very sensitive still.  Every medication has side affects too.  I had to slowly get on the medication because my body has always been very sensitive to meds.  Every time the doctor would up the dose I would be stomach nauseated for a week, then it would be time to up the dose again.  I finally got on the right dosage after about a month and the stomach nausea went away.  I was also VERY tired when I first started taking the medication, and my body was already tired.  These side affects went away as my body got use to the drug. 

About a year went by and I was still very sensitive to motion sickness and my terrible migraines never went away.  In the second year after my diagnosis I had a headache or migraine every day.  When I have a migraine I try to do normal things.  It is only when I have motion sickness that I have to stop doing EVERYTHING.  It is not possible to live anything close to a normal life when motion sick.  So, my neurologist prescribed me another medication called Verapamil.  Verapamil was probably my favorite drug for my vestibular problems.  I was finally able to drive short distances and I rarely got motion sick.  The problem with Verapamil is that it gave me some bad stomach issues that made me feel sick in my stomach all the time.  So, I got off Verapamil.  Thank goodness there were no terrible withdrawals from Verapamil! 

My doctor was not excited to experiment with the next medication, but he was hopeful that once I was on the medication that it would help me.  He prescribed me Topomax.  Topomax is prescribed for seizures and migraines.  It helps open the blood vessels in the brain for, hopefully, better flowage (if that is even a word.)  I had the same reaction with Topomax as the first medication.  I had to up it slowly and I was stomach nauseated the entire time until I was on the right dosage.  On any medication I am prescribed I am given the lowest dose because of my weight and sensitivity to the medications.  It is frustrating because I wish I could just take a big dosage, but there is no way my doctor would allow that.  My family has many jokes about Topomax.  One of my side effects that lasted the entire time I was on Topomax was forgetting things in the moment.  It is a common side effect of Topomax.  I would be talking to someone and then the thought would be completely gone.  I would forget how to spell simple words.  So, without spell check I spell easy words wrong.  I even forget punctuation or the proper way to write the English language.  I would also forget that I would tell someone I would be somewhere and then in the moment I would completely forget.  One time I told my daughters that they could go across the street, and two minutes later I forgot that I had told them they could go across the street. I couldn’t find them anywhere in the house.  After awhile I started screaming their names outside and inside the house.  I knew they couldn’t have just disappeared from inside the house, but I started getting a little panicky.  Thank goodness they came back home 15 minutes later because I was seriously going crazy.  When they walked into the house I started to say, “Where were you?”  My daughter reminded me that I told them they could go across the street.  My daughters are very obedient and that is why it shocked me they would have just gone somewhere without telling me.  I literally could not remember until they walked into the house, and even as I remembered telling them, there was a cloud over the memory.  I always have had a hard time remembering certain words when I’m trying to describe something, but on Topomax it has been terrible.  My taste buds changed too.  I LOVE chocolate, but on Topomax it isn’t much of a temptation.  I eat a bite or two and I’m done!  The side effects would be worth it if it helped my headaches.  I think Topomax did help my headaches and it helped with feeling light headed, but just like the motion sickness I have still been sensitive to getting migraines. 

I have been on Topomax for a year.  I have been on the first medication my neurologist prescribed me for over two years.  About 3 months ago my neurologist upped my Topomax again.  My skin became so itchy that I couldn’t be outside for more than a minute before I would go insane with itchiness.  I also broke out in acne.  I haven’t had any acne since junior high!  I would take more than one shower a day because I would be itchy every time I would go out in the sun or get a little sweaty.  It is impossible to avoid the sun or sweat where I live. 

This past month my doctor decided to take me off Topomax because of all my side effects.  I didn’t think much about it and I just cold turkey quit Topomax.  One of the good withdrawals from stopping Topomax is that my skin has already gotten almost all the way better – thank goodness!  The itchiness has still not gone away and it has been over three weeks.  Ugh!  The hardest withdrawals from the drug Topomax was the anxiety and nightmares.  At first I thought I was going crazy until my husband looked up “withdrawals from Topomax” and realized that most people have the same withdrawal symptoms from Topomax.  It helped me to know that I was not alone and that I was having normal withdrawal symptoms.  The last time I felt that anxious was when I didn’t know why I was so sick.  My nightmares were psychotic and freaky.  The nightmares and anxiety lasted for about 10 days and then it was like a cloud was lifted and I was back to normal.  I knew that is what was going to happen because Brian read other people’s withdrawal experiences.  It was NOT fun though.  There were many moments I felt like getting back on Topomax to make the withdrawals go away.  I know I am not going into detail, but I don’t really feel like reliving it.  If I don’t even share those things with my husband then I’m not writing about it.  I don’t like talking about things.  I still don’t talk about details about the darkest days when I got ill.  Unless someone has been through something like that then they wouldn’t understand.  It was not any fun.  It was NOT FUN! 

On top of the withdrawals from getting off Topomax, I was motion sick the entire time and then I had migraines after the first two weeks of getting off the medication.  I am still struggling with migraines from the withdrawals.  I don’t think I’m forgetting things as much, but time will tell.  Ha ha.  My doctor wants me to start another medication.  We know that calcium-blockers have helped some people, but because of my weight I am no longer allowed to take calcium-blockers which is frustrating.  It also can cause low blood pressure and my doctor thinks I would have a problem with low blood pressure if I took a calcium-blocker.  Again, every medication has side effects.  So, it helps with the big problem, but can give one other problems.  I’ve tried “natural” remedies like diet changes and essential oils.  With a problem like mine essential oils and other “natural” remedies is NOT going to help my situation.   It doesn’t make my motion sickness or migraines go away, but it has taken the edge off for a few moments, which is nice.  I haven’t started the new medication yet.  I’m always weary about starting new medications.  I never know what the outcome is going to be.  It is hard to get on a new medication and then it takes a long time for the medications to kick in to see if it is even going to help with anything.  I try to exercise to get my heart rate up because it helps the blood in the brain flow.  Every time I exercise I am extremely itchy and irritated, so I only last about 20 minutes before I jump in the shower.  I am hoping for the itchiness to go away so I can exercise longer without my skin getting so irritated.

I have had a vestibular problem for 3 years.  I remember when everything first happened that Brian and I had been married for ten years.  I seriously thought that we would go to Hawaii or do something special for our ten year anniversary and instead I was sick and couldn’t do anything.  I never want to relive certain experiences in my life, but I am thankful for the things I have learned. I seem to constantly learn life lessons as I have gone through these experiences in my life.  Going through the withdrawal of Topomax helped me to have compassion on those that are addicted to street drugs, or prescription drugs.  If I had the awful side effects from Topomax, I can’t imagine getting off a street drug or prescription drugs that are not overseen by a doctor.  I can see how people can get addicted and think it is easier to stay on the drugs.  The more I experience the more I have compassion on others.  I wish I could just learn the lesson without the trial.  I don’t think I could ever judge someone addicted to drugs again.  I don’t know if I ever judged before, but now I have compassion.  It can happen so easily.  Some people start out by taking a prescription drug for a problem and end up having an even bigger problem with an addiction to the drug.  It is much harder than I ever realized to get off a drug.  The body does NOT like it and it can have all different kinds of awful withdrawals.  It makes one just want to go right back to taking the drug, because it seems easier, and in the moment it is easier.  I was warned by my doctor before he put me on the drug that it would be hard to get off, but I had no idea!  I do feel like I am a very strong person.  I tell myself that all the time.  It helps me get through hard times.  I don’t like to look back on the hard times I’ve been through, but when I do look back on those hard times it is easy for me to say that I am one strong cookie.  I don’t know how I got through some of the things I have been through.  I know others can say the same thing, and I look up to those people as my examples.  It reminds me that if they could do it, then I sure as heck can do it too because I am one strong girl!!                        

Agradecimiento!

I have not been feeling motion sick for the past eight days.  What a blessing! I want to express my gratitude for each day!  I am not just grateful for the days that I am not feeling cruddy.  It does get frustrating and it can be easy to get down when I feel cruddy day after day, but I am truly grateful for any day when I am able to function and have conversations with those that are closest to me. 

Two and a half years ago I watched my body, mind, and spirit sinking.   I was scared.  A year and a half later I was still not myself, but I was able to function much more than I was able to the year before.  I remember one day, when I was able to function, my oldest daughter got very upset about something.  She got very mad at me.  It was not typical of her to get mad at me and she wasn’t speaking kindly to me.  I had to give her a consequence.  It wasn’t a happy day in our home.  It seemed like there wasn’t a happy spirit.  That night I was talking to my husband and I told him about my frustrations.  After I told him about everything I told him how grateful I was for the blessing of that day.  I told him that even though my daughter was mad and upset at me, I was so grateful to even have the frustrating mother moments.  I was so happy that I was able to actually function and talk to my daughter.  I was so grateful to be alive!

Some of the things that I am grateful for when I wake up in the morning are the little birds chirping outside.  I notice them every morning.  I’ve noticed them since I was a little girl.  I used to watch them outside while I would eat my breakfast during the summer mornings.  The little birds always sound so cheerful and it brightens my day.  I’ve always loved the little creatures on the earth.  I always get so excited when we see a squirrel or a raccoon, or a little Bambi in the forest!  I don’t mind that my husband likes to go hunting; I just don’t want to hear the details!  I love all of the little creatures and I think that is why I loved the parts on Cinderella and Snow White when all the little animals surround them.  I am not a huge Disney Princess fan, I would much rather watch Robin Hood, Toy Story, or Fox and the Hound, but I love the scene on the princess movies with all the little creatures – sooo cute! 

Every day as a habit I would thank Heavenly Father for the day.  Now when I say it I truly am grateful for each day.  What a blessing to live today, that we are able to be alive TODAY!  Even when I feel cruddy, I am still happy that I am able to live and be surrounded by my family. 

What an amazing blessing to live where I live!  I know for some that they don’t like living in the state where I live, but I LOVE it!  I wouldn’t trade it for anything!  I was raised here and I don’t ever want to move.  I love the old school people that live here, their hard work and lifestyle, and their values.  I love spring time with the orange blossoms.  I love the fields and groves.  I love that the sun shines, the sky is blue, and that it never snows.  Carl Reiner once said, “A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”  I once served in the Stake Young Women’s Presidency and the Stake Young Women’s President had served a mission in a state where it snowed a ton.  She told us that she believed that hell was going to be made of ice, not fire.  So, in my opinion, I’m living in heaven on earth!  

I am blessed that I live in the U.S.A.  I could go on and on about this blessing.  There is no better place to live then the United States of America and I thank Heavenly Father every night that I live here.  I also pray that people will start waking up and paying attention to what is going on!

This is something my husband probably has only known, but I love the sky.  Every time I walk outside I will always say something about the sky, unless it is dark and gloomy.  I love a sunny, clear sky.  My favorite time of day is close to the end of the day when it is still light outside, but I can’t see the sun.  I wish it could be like that always.  It is just so peaceful, beautiful, and relaxing.  I could be outside forever.  What a blessing!

I grew up with a dad that was fascinated by everything around him.  If he was fascinated by something then he would learn the history behind whatever it was that he thought was interesting.  I guess it wore off on me, even though I rolled my eyes at him growing up.  I appreciate anything and everything, and now my girls roll their eyes at me!  I am not quite as animated as my dad, but I am fascinated and appreciative.  One time I was in the car with my dad and my boyfriend (soon to be fiancé) on the way to who-knows-where when we were stopped by a train.  Most people would be frustrated.  Not my dad!  He got all excited to see the big train coming down the tracks just like a little boy.  He exclaimed, “Here it comes…shipping the goods of America.”  I giggled and rolled my eyes.  I had a feeling my dad wasn’t done “appreciating” the train.  I soon found out just how much he wanted to express his gratitude for that grand train for shipping the goods of America.  As soon as the train honked its blaring horn, my dad leaped out of the car and with his arms up in the air he yelled, “I LOVE AMERICA!”  His voice could be heard over the noise of the train.  I know my mouth dropped open and both my boyfriend and I looked at each other at the same time in a state of shock.  We both started laughing.  I mean, what else could we do?  It didn’t stop that boyfriend from asking me to marry him and now he is my husband.  He obviously knew what he was getting married into.  That is my dad though, and I love that part of his character.  I would never jump out of a car and yell anything, but I have the same pride and excitement in me about anything and everything that seems exciting to me.  When I am able to get on the computer, I am constantly looking things up about the most random things that interest me.  I love to know about anything and everything that fascinates me – even trains!

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how lucky I was to have been born in circumstances where I was blessed with parents who provided shelter, clothes, medical care, and food for me.  I didn’t realize that there were so many children that were born in circumstances where this was not provided, and not because their parents didn’t love them.  How fortunate that I was a child that was born in circumstances that my parents were able to provide for me.  I lived in an area where many were very affluent.  My family didn’t live in the biggest house or drive the most expensive cars, or have fancy toys.  I realize now how lucky I was just to have a roof over my head, to have food provided whenever I was hungry, and clothes and shoes to wear to protect me.  How blessed am I?  I have always been taken care of my entire life!  I am so fortunate!

I am beyond grateful for health.  Without health nothing really matters.  That may not seem true to some, but it is true!  You can’t really do much without health in this life.  I feel blessed to be able to walk each day, to breathe, to think, to see, to hear, taste, smell, touch, and feel.  I love the times I am able to be completely physically active.  It’s my favorite.  I was so physically active growing up.  Running and exercising is sooo boring.  I love dancing, playing games, sports, etc.  That is how life should be lived.  Life just isn’t the same when one feels cruddy!  I’m always thankful for days when I feel good.

I’m grateful for chocolate, especially since I haven’t had a bite of it for at least six months now.  My Heaven is going to have all–you-can-eat chocolate, sun, blue skies, and constant fun social activities with the people closest to me!  And…I’ll never be cold while my husband is hot.  But chocolate will always be there, and no one will gain weight or have any health issues from it!

This is a little vein side of me coming out.  I could talk a lot about the things I would like to change about myself, but this post is titled, Gratitude.  I’ve gotten a little more vein, if you will, about some of my qualities since I got ill 2.5 years ago.  The reason is because I didn’t appreciate myself enough before I got sick.  My husband would tell me everyday how he felt about me, but I would never tell myself any wonderful things about myself, not that I put myself down either.  Women never appreciate what qualities they possess, they think often about what they would like to change about themselves.  Am I right?  So, when I got sick I realized how retarded I was that I had worried about losing weight, or how my jeans fit, or how this or that looked on my face, etc.  Once I got ill, all I wanted to do was feel good again!!  I started realizing I wasn’t half bad!  I think girls have a hard time even admitting the good in themselves, or that they are pretty!  I think if we aren’t #1 at something, then we don’t think we are good enough.  Well, I think that is garbage!  I’ve realized that I might not be a super model or Betty Crocker, but I am not half bad!  So, I realized that I have some good qualities in me!  I think that every girl should realize her good qualities both physically and spiritually.  I wrote mine in the post, but then it just sounded like bragging, which I didn’t want, so I erased what I first typed!  I don’t think of it as bragging, I just am grateful for the qualities I have now instead of always thinking about the things I want to change.    

One of my greatest blessings that I have been blessed with throughout my life is good friends.  Heavenly Father has always sent me good friends and influences in my life since I was very young.  I have been so blessed to have each of my friends in my life.  Each person has impacted my life in extraordinary ways.  I have known some of my friends my entire life, and others for only a few short years, but the amount of time does not measure the impact.  I love each of my friends.  Once my friend, always my friend!  I have never cared about numbers of friends.  I have always cared about having deep, close, personal friendships.  “Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.”  (Benjamin Franklin)   I don’t know about just having a deep friendship with one person, but I agree with Benjamin Franklin’s motto on friendship.  I feel that my closest friends, whatever period of time they’ve gotten to know me, have really known me.  I’m happy that I have never worried or cared about the amount of people that know me.  What is great is that even though I have always focused on my close friends, I still have gotten to know others because I am hopefully civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; and enemy to none.  At least that is the hope.  My friends have impacted me for good and have been wonderful examples to me.  I treasure each of them individually and the impacts they have made in my life.  Henry Ward Beecher once said, “Every man should keep a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends.”  Thank you to all my friends for the cemetery you have kept that has my name on it! 

I have two blessings that I feel go hand-in-hand, my family and the gospel of Jesus Christ.  These two blessings mean so much to me that I don’t really know what to write!  How does one find words to describe the deep feelings one holds dearest?  Is it possible?  How can I convey to those who do not see and know our family on an everyday basis how deep our family bond?  How can I ever describe how I feel about my Savior?  I think it is impossible!  I have the family that I dreamed about, but thought was impossible growing up.  I never thought I would have the trials I have endured; but the love that I dreamed about is in our family, through thick and thin.  My family is my best friends!  I love the gospel of Jesus Christ!  I use to think that those that had smiles on their faces and acted like they had no problems in their lives were the ones that had the strong testimonies, not that I think everyone should go to church and air their dirty laundry – not at all!  But I realize now that the best of us go through some very deep harrowing trials.  Those who question their faith doesn’t mean don’t have faith!  Even Joseph Smith questioned things.  That is how he got answers.  (If you want to read my VERY favorite LDS General Conference talk given this month on trials titled, Mountains to Climb, by President Henry B. Eyring click here.  I bawled my freaking eyes out.  It was so good.)  I have questioned many things over and over.  I sometimes wonder if I’m ever heard in my prayers.  I mean, it’s just me praying!  I sometimes pray about the same darn thing every night.  How I wish my trials were taken away.  I mean, come on!  I was given the trials so quickly, can’t the trials be taken away just as quickly.  The blind were given eyesight and the deaf were able to hear, the lame were able to walk, and the dead even came back to life!  Give me some pixie dust for heaven sakes!  So, as you can see, I need some help with my faith at times.  I do question things and I do wonder about everything at times, but I can’t imagine not having a Heavenly Father.  “A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.”  (C.S. Lewis)  I have literally been so sick that I couldn’t talk and the only person I could communicate with was Heavenly Father in my head.  I felt lonely and scared not being able to communicate with anyone.  I can’t imagine not having a Heavenly Father.  I love knowing that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me and that I am His daughter.  I am not perfect and He definitely knows it and hears all about it!  My daughters know how I feel about my Savior, Jesus Christ.  The stories I learned as a child have taken on greater meaning as I have gone through things in my life.  He suffered in the garden for me and for all of us.  Every time I hear that he suffered more than anyone has ever suffered, I think, how?  How is that possible?  I know it is true, but I have felt miserable!  I wish I could have been there to pray for him.  I know I would have stayed awake!  At a time when I felt the most miserable I would not be able to sleep because I was so nauseated.  I couldn’t sleep at all for weeks.  I would pray over and over and over.  My husband would rub my legs for hours just to relax me, and if he dosed off I would be jolted wide awake into misery.  So, I would ask him to please stay awake and rub my legs and pray.  It was too impossible for him to stay awake.  So, I would lay there and pray.  I have so much sympathy for my husband.  He got no rest either, just a little.  It was lonely, miserable, and scary.  I always think about the Savior.  I, in no way, will ever be able to relate, and no one else on this Earth will ever be able to relate to what the Savior went through in the Garden of Gethsemane.  That is what is beyond what I can fathom!!!  How did he do it?  It had to be out of pure love for all of us!  Sorry peeps, the only people I would go through misery for is my own darn children!  I love the Savior with all my heart!

I have so many blessings in my life that I could go on and on.  I feel like I already have gone on and on.  The last blessing I will write about is the love of my life, my husband.  I won’t get to mushy.  I know I was meant to be with him.  I will write about this in my blog titled Timing is Everything (Part 2).  I thank Heavenly Father every night that my husband wanted to marry me from the first time he met me, and I seriously am like, why?  Not that I don’t think I was somewhat of a good catch, but I mean, he decided he wanted to marry me, and that was that!  All these girls kept coming up to me and asking me if I liked him because THEY were interested in him and it was obvious he was interested in me.  I think I was a little, or a BUNCH, slower than him.  It was pretty funny.  The girls flirted with him and acted all goofy and flirtatious and giggly around him.  I just talked to him.  Who would have thought?  Well, I won’t get into all of that.  I’ll save it for another post!  All I know is that my husband has NEVER treated me with disrespect.  I seriously thought it might change after the honeymoon phase was over because he seemed too good to be true, as the saying goes.  But I’m still waiting after twelve years for him to change, and it hasn’t happened.  He is the most respectful, kind, person I have ever met.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s a tease too, and he likes to get my feathers ruffled just because he likes to see my feisty!  But he has absolutely never said one hurtful thing towards me in all of our marriage.  He makes me feel like I am the only girl that is alive wherever we go.  He thinks I am the most talented at whatever I do, which is a joke and a half!  And it doesn’t matter if I make a complete fool of myself; he is never embarrassed of me.  I feel so loved by him. He loves me for me!  I’ve told him that there is no one like him, at least not for me.  Seriously, who is going to worship me the way he does?  NO ONE!  Everyone thought he would be so different with his wife and it makes me feel even more loved.  My husband is NOT a romantic, mushy type guy, until it comes to me.  Now, for those of you who know him, I’m going to have to be careful what I write.  He is all guy and into everything “guy.”  When it comes to me, for some reason, the most romantic things will come out of that guy.  I’m not talking flowers, chocolates and poems.  I’m talking sincere things that just come out without him even thinking about it.  It’s completely sincere and it melts my heart. That is how he won me over in the first place.  He isn’t full of crap, it’s completely sincere and he doesn’t even realize it melts my heart!  He will surprise me by the things he does and I am sworn to secrecy at the romantic things he has done for me.  My husband has done things that would shock the living crud out of his brothers and he would never hear the end of it.   All I know is that my husband is whooped on me!  I think we were just meant to be together!  I would do anything for that man!  Just like it is impossible for me to describe my feelings for my children, family, and the gospel, it is so impossible for me to describe my deep feelings for my husband.  I am going to end by adding the words to our song which fits us so well!  My husband would die knowing I’m even sharing “our song!”  We tried to come up with a song for our wedding, but it wasn’t really our song.  We had songs we had danced to and the song, “She Thinks My Tractors Sexy,” because my husband is a farmer, but none of the songs were “our song.”  So, we never really had a song, until we heard the old song from Firehouse, “I Live My Life For You.”  We heard it while we were out on a date night when we had been married for about three years?  We both knew it was “our song.”  It describes us perfectly and it’s been our song ever since.  What I love is that my man was into it being our song just as much as me.  Geesh!  I love him!  None of you guys better give him flack about this!  Sorry if this ended up being mushy and you had to take a break to puke in the pot!

You know you're everything to me
And I could never see, the two of us apart
And you know I give myself to you
And no matter what you do, I promise you my heart

I've built my world around you and I want you to know
I need you, like I've never needed anyone before

I live my life for you
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you

I dedicated my life to you
You know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever
And I will always be with you
And there is nothing we can't do
As long as we're together

I just can't live without you, and I want you to know
I need you like I've never needed anyone before

I live my life for you
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you!

            

Timing is Everything

Anyone who knows me well knows that if I LOVE a song that I will LOVE it to death. I literally kill a song for anyone that is with me a lot. My high school friends would get annoyed, my college roommates would get annoyed and now my husband will have songs eternally played over and over. One of my all time favorite songs is probably not on anyone’s top ten favorite lists, but it is on my top ten favorite list because it strikes a big chord in my heart. I tear up almost every time I hear the first verse. It is called, Timing is Everything by Garrett Hedlund. The first verse and chorus goes:

You know I've had close calls
When it could've been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn't my time
Timing is everything

And I could've been the child that God took home,
And I would've been one more unfinished song
And when it seems a rhyme is hard to find
That's when one comes along
Just in time

I was eight years old and I was fasting for the first time. Well, I tried to anyway. My mom didn’t know that I snuck into the pantry to nibble at a few graham crackers after church before dinner. I remember I started to feel funny before we ate dinner and during dinner I started to feel like I had the flu. I started to throw up after dinner. I thought I was being punished for sneaking those darn graham crackers. I think my mom knew from the beginning that I didn’t have the flu, but that something was wrong.

Just that year a boy in my Sunday school class had hiked up to the Four Peaks Mountains with his uncle, aunt, cousins and brother. I don’t know if my parents explained it correctly to me at the time. I was young and I don’t know how much detail they went into with me. All I know is that he was sitting on the edge of a cliff with one of his cousins and part of a rock split in half and he fell down the mountain. I remember his death really impacted me. I still think about Nathan to this day. I can still picture him with his dark brown hair and freckles. He was in my Sunday School class at church, but our families were friends too and so we saw eachother outside of church also. My mom taught preschool with his mom. We would go over to their house and neighborhood to play.  I think at that age it was too hard for me to comprehend my feelings or understand what had happened. It might sound gory, but I pictured him laying at the bottom of the cliff dead. It scared me and I had a very hard time sleeping. One night I had a dream and Nathan was in my dream. He was in my Sunday school class and he was having fun with the rest of us. He was fine, he looked himself, and he was happy. After that I wasn’t as scared. My parent’s other friends had a little baby that died right before or after Nathan’s death, and our family went to visit them and bring them a little gift. I remember everyone being sad and I didn't understanding why everyone was so sad over a baby. Now as a mother myself, if my baby died, I would want to die with my baby. That was my view point as a child though. Right before we moved into our new house, the family that moved out had a boy that had just drowned. That family was in our ward. I remember the year that I got sick that quite a few children died in my ward and stake. My mom told me that it was a hard year in that ward.

I think my mom had a motherly intuition that something was wrong with me, and who knows, maybe after all the tragedies that had occurred in our area, some fear too? She knew deep down that it wasn’t the common flu though. She took me to the emergency room on Monday because our normal doctor was out of town. They told her that it was probably just a virus. So, my mom took me home. Back in the 80’s I’m figuring the medical world was not what it is today. I now look back and realize what a huge deal this was to my mom. My mom NEVER took us to the doctor’s office let alone an emergency room. I don’t ever remember going to a doctor. I became lethargic quickly. I didn’t want to eat, sit up, play, or do anything. I wasn’t an outgoing child, but around the house I was very spunky. I had a very high temperature of 104 degrees. So, my mom kept taking me into the hospital and they kept telling her the same thing. Then I started to hallucinate. I still remember some of my hallucinations. They were very odd. I look back and think, well, what is an eight year old supposed to hallucinate about? Anyone who has gone through a traumatic experience remembers at least some of the experience. I don’t remember this one, but my mom told me that I came into the room that she taught preschool in and I was completely naked and I kept saying, “They’re trying to turn me into a 7-up.” Now everyone can laugh at it. I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time. The hallucination I remember is a HUGE pile of clothes on the couch with a car on it. I guess I kept pointing at my little sister and saying, “The babysitter is trying to push it on me!” My little sister started crying and ran out of the room saying, “No I’m not!” ha ha ha. The other hallucination I remember is my grandpa’s bald head in the toaster oven. That is gross, but I remember it! Obviously I was very sick. I got a priesthood blessing on a Saturday night. It had almost been a week since I first started throwing up. I wasn’t throwing up any more and my temperature went down a few degrees that day. I now realize how close to death I really was at that time. My appendix had been ruptured for some time and a pocket had formed around the poison, but it had started leaking and it damaged my colon, my ovaries, and my fallopian tubes. I think now that it also did some damage to my bladder wall. It isn’t that my colon or bladder doesn’t work, but they have had damage done to them. My doctor got back in town Sunday morning and he told my mom he would meet her at his office on a Sunday! So, she took me in to see him. When he saw me and checked me out he was horrified. He admitted me into the hospital immediately. He told my parents that it would be touch and go for 24 hours. And it was.

My dad was so worried that I would die, but my mom had faith because of the priesthood blessing I was given. I was very ill. I remember the nurse TRYING to put an adult IV in my arm. It was the only thing that I comprehended. I screamed and screamed bloody murder. The doctors ran in and screamed at the nurse. It hurt badly having someone try to squeeze an adult IV into my tiny veins, but it was also traumatic to hear the doctor scream at the nurse. I remember another girl moaning in the next room once I gained consciousness. I remember tubes everywhere in my sides, down my throat, and in other places. I also remember one night that no one was in my room. I felt awful and the TV was left on. An adult show was on and it was about a hospital. Someone snuck into a hospital room and was putting pillows over patient’s heads and murdering them. It was AWFUL. I couldn't reach the button for the nurse because I was too sick and I couldn't call out to anyone because I had a tube down my throat and plus I was so sick. That was torment! I remember the day they made me sit up for the first time. It was AWFUL! I cried. They made me improve every day. As a child I wondered why they would make me hurt. Then they made me stand one day. I was very upset when they made me walk two steps to the door. And then one day they opened the door and I had to walk into the hall. I got to go home one day and one of my sisters was there. This is the short version of my experience. My parents know all the details, but this is from my view point. Their viewpoint is much more harrowing and awful, but I like this version better. It makes me cry more as an adult because I realize how serious it was now and as a child I still had all my childhood innocence. My story was in the Tribune.  I remember thinking it was kinda cool at the time to have my name in a paper.  Not so much now!  I have the article in my scrapbook.  In reality, I became a fighter as a young child and I've been a fighter ever since.  It was a miracle I survived, and every doctor told my parents just that, "It's a miracle!"  The day I went home, like I wrote, one of my sisters was there. I have 3 sisters. I am the third of 4 girls.  Sister 2 is known for her fits of giggles. We all giggle, but she is known for getting the rest of us to giggle.  The furthest I had walked at that point was down the hall just a little past my room. My mom and my sister motivated me to walk down to the kid’s area just a little ways past my room. They helped me to the kid’s room and I sat on a couch. I felt like every part of my body ached and hurt that I felt like crying. Then my sister started laughing over the silliest thing. I can't even remember what it was, it was so long ago. She got my mom laughing and the entire couch was shaking. When sister 2 starts laughing and mom starts laughing then no one can help but laugh. I was trying not to laugh because I was afraid all my stitches would come out and plus I hurt so badly. I would laugh and then wail out in pain. Then I started crying and they had to take me back to my room. That is my favorite memory of my hospital stay though. It was fun to hear laughter. I had gotten a lot of gifts that I didn’t even notice until that last day.

When I got home I had a big ugly scar and stitches and I hunched over for awhile. I remember being nervous to not have all the nurses and doctors around to help me with everything. My oldest sister let me sleep with her the first night I was home.  Sister 2 and little sister didn’t want to be around my ugly scar. My little sister had been scared off by me when she saw me with all my tubes and all the machines in the hospital. It took me awhile to get back into things, especially gymnastics, but I was alive. I would hear all the details later of what actually occurred, and all the details of how lucky I really was to be alive. I would also hear later in life that I might have problems as I got older, and that I might have trouble having children. But as a teenager those things sound like, “blah, blah-blah, la-la-tee-freakin-da!”

That time would not be the only time that I would come close to death, but it was the first. I’m sure there are some that wonder how something in second grade could affect someone so much. That time has affected me physically my entire life.  It was also my first BIG lesson in empathy and truly understanding what someone might be feeling or going through. Now days when someone's stomach hurts they go get a cat scan and their appendix would never be ruptured to the extent of mine.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that timing is everything. And every time I hear that song I get tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

You know I've had close calls
When it could've been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn't my time
Timing is everything

And I could've been the child that God took home,
And I would've been one more unfinished song
And when it seems a rhyme is hard to find
That's when one comes along
Just in time   

Comparing Myself to Myself

I was going to write a completely different post, but that post will have to wait. I've cried a ton this week. It probably sounds like I cry a ton. Like I wrote before, I used to never cry. I don't know what brings on the tears. I think it is the lack of understanding the why. I am not ready to write down some of my memories. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think I deal with it as much now as I did when I first got ill. It was terrible then, but now I only have certain memories when I get really bad motion sickness, and that is when I start to cry.

On Wednesday of this past week, for no apparent reason that I could think of, I got very motion sick.  I can never think of a good reason for why I get motion sick.  Wednesday is when child 1 has gymnastics and child 2 has ballet.  I try to take child 2 to ballet since it is literally right down the street from our neighborhood, but the motion sickness was so bad that I couldn’t.  She didn’t end up going to ballet.  Missing ballet is not the end of the world, but this is my everyday life.  I go for months not driving a car like a 90 year old woman and I am in my early 30’s.  If I drive the car then I get motion sick and feel like I am going to throw up.  I have joked around with the hubby that we should get a chauffeur.  I wasn’t joking as much as he probably thinks I was joking.  My dad or my mother-in-law takes child 1 to gymnastics.  I try to look at the positive.  She has quality time with her grandparents.  She comes home and talks about every conversation she has with them.  It puts a smile on my face.  Some weeks are not fun with me sitting on the couch.  If I try to accomplish something then I feel like I am going to throw up. 

Sometimes instead of motion sickness I just have splitting headaches which are not fun, but better then motion sickness.  I still can’t read, or help kids with piano, or play games, etc.  But I can do more than I can do with motion sickness.  I can muddle on through making dinner, going to Let’s Play Music (a little music class that child 2 takes), or have better conversations with the kids (even though I still might be a little grumpy.)  I try very hard to not be grumpy.  If anyone has ever had the flu, bad sinus infection, or strep throat – try to picture putting on a smiling face and doing all your normal everyday duties as a mother and wife.  This is pretty much most days for me, if not harder, because I pretty much feel like crudola!

I would say that one of my strengths is that I don’t compare myself to others.  I would also say that one of my weaknesses at this point in my life is that I compare myself to myself.  That probably sounds funny to some.  I compare who I was and what I could do before I got sick to who I am and what I can do since I’ve gotten vestibular migraines.  For instance, before I got vestibular migraines:

-         I was the life of the party

-         I had TONS of energy

-         I was always on the go

-         I always had some kind of project going

-         I liked to workout

-         I forced myself to wake up in the mornings to get ready and to get my family ready for the day

-         My house was organized and clean and it bothered me if it was not organized and cleaned

-         My girls hair had to be done for school and their clothes matched and were ironed (I even made jewelry and hair clips to match their outfits – lol.)

-         I was a fun mom – I jumped on the trampoline, I played in the little pool in the backyard, I came up with projects, I played horsey with them, dolls, anything they wanted to play or make believe.

-         I read and sang to my kids every night before bed.

-         I made lunch and dinner

-         I made my husband laugh ALL the time

-         I always seemed to be smiling

-         I took my kids everywhere, I was their taxi.

-         I always felt up for a good time

-         I loved trips, especially with family

-         I loved making up these silly games (it’s hard to explain) but my hubby would always roll his eyes when I would make them up and then he would always end up liking them.

-         We had a routine down

-         We read scriptures every morning, said the articles of faith, and had family prayers

-         I would stay up sometimes until late hours reading a book that I couldn’t put down

-         I ate seriously a pound of chocolate every day.  It was a wonder that I wasn’t 300 pounds!

-         I was addicted to Dr. Pepper.  I still get a craving every once in awhile

-         I could eat ANYTHING and not have a problem digestively or in any other way.

-         I had NO physical problems except a few from my appendix rupturing from when I was younger (My tubes were damaged and I couldn’t get pregnant without doing IVF.)

-         I could schedule my week out in advance, even months out in advance.

-         People could count on me.  If I said I would be somewhere, I would be there. 

Well, I could go on and on.  But basically I LOVED my life even with the little ups and downs of life.  When my husband came into my life, he was the best blessing that ever came into my life.  I loved life before then, but he was what brought all my other blessings together and evened out my life.

After I got sick I would describe me:

-         Still having fun at get- togethers, if I feel good.  I am a good faker too.  If the migraine or motion sickness isn't extreme then I probably seem like I'm feeling great to everyone around me.  My husband knows me too well though.

-         I have energy if I get 11-12 hours of sleep

-         I can’t be on the go because most of the time I can’t drive.

-         I like having projects still.  Brian will take me to the stores on weekends.  Sometimes if I work on a project I will get motions sick or a headache so I will have to stop and I’ll never finish the project.

-         A good workout to me is walking around the neighborhood.  I’m getting better.  I’ve started doing a few leg workouts.  Thanks to my diet (pretty much the word of wisdom) I’m pretty small.  I am working up my workout.  I just can’t do many things that go up, down, up, down or I get all motion sick.  Not all the time, just the times my vestibular migraines are sensitive.

-         My girls get themselves ready for school most mornings.  I’ve had to let the guilt go and realize that my girls are a lot more capable and independent then I thought possible.  They are not all done up anymore and in the back of my head I wish I could be like Bewitch and wiggle my nose and make them look all fancy like, but I still think they are the cutest girls in the world!

-         My house seems to ALWAYS be a mess and nothing seems to be organized anymore.  I wish I could say this does not bother me.  I’ve had to let it go for the most part.  I’m sure people that come over think I don’t care, but that is not so.  I’ve wanted to clean my disgusting den for so long, but every time I start to clean it I start to get motion sick and I have to lie down.  If people only knew how against my real nature this is to me!  I would have that den whipped into shape in a few hours flat!

-         I still try to play with my girls, but it is a little different.  I definitely don’t jump on the trampoline.  I have sometimes made up dances with them when I feel fine.  Physical activities have always been my favorite, so when I have the chance I will always pick physical activities.  I play softball, or tag, or anything physically active.  My daughters will go on walks, or I’ll challenge them to a wall sit or lets-see-how-long-you-can-hold-a-plank challenge.  Most often I have to tell them to find something to do on their own though.

-         I don’t sing or read books to my girls at night hardly ever.  I usually don’t feel that great by then and it is just time to go to bed!

-         I have two children.  Child 1 has learned to make a lunch and my husband makes the other lunch.  As for dinner, I do my best, but my husband usually ends up making it or getting something on his way home.  It is so embarrassing to admit that, but I just don’t feel well a lot of the times.

-         I still make my husband laugh and smile.  I think it tears him apart to see me suffer in anyway.  It hurts me to know that I can’t take my illness away so that I can take his hurt away.  It drives me crazy!  We have the best times together.  We also hurt together.  We are best friends.  I always knew we loved each other, but I didn’t realize how much until this trial.  I still wish it would go away! 

-         I’m obviously not a taxi driver for my kids; I don’t drive much at all.

-         If I am up for a good time, then I want to spend that time with my husband and children, not with other people.  I don’t know if others understand that.  I might have been the best of friends with them, but I don’t feel all that well.  So, when I do feel great then I want to spend that time with my family.  I don’t mind going out every once in a great while with some friends, but that is it.  If people want to be offended then so be it.  My family sees me not feeling well so often that when I feel good then I’m going to spend feeling good with them!

-         I can’t even picture going on a trip now.  Every year our family would think about going somewhere different other than Disneyland and we would always end up going to Disneyland.  We would also spend some of that time at Huntington Beach.  One of the times we spent the whole vacation on Huntington Beach.  Our favorite place to eat was the Sugar Shack.  My parents are from that area and it is always fun for us to visit.  We also took vacations with my husband’s side of the family to Texas, Nashville, New Orleans, and to visit his parents in Brazil.  I had fun going with my family to Mexico and visiting my sisters in Memphis, Las Vegas, and D.C.  But now I wouldn’t enjoy any of it.

-         I still make up silly games with my husband and he still rolls his eyes.  I just don’t make them up as much because I have to feel great to make them up.

-    I rarely read any book because I get motion sick reading.  Writing is even worse.  Strange, hu?    It is to me too.  But it is what it is unfortunately.  I've even had my sister forge my name at doctor's offices.  SHHH!

-         We have a better routine down, but it is still hard because I think it is a mother who usually makes the routine.  As for me, I feel like I have NO routine.  I can’t make a plan worth a darn from day to day.  My life is in my house.  If I make plans with ANYONE it may change.  I can say that I want to do something next week with someone and next week comes and I may feel terrible and the whole thing goes out the window.  It is frustrating for not only me, but for everyone, especially those who do not know me well, or for those not understanding.  My family is very understanding because they know me so well.  No one can depend on me, including myself.  I have no idea how I will feel from day to day or moment to moment.  I have to have faith to do anything and hope for the best but plan on the worst.

-         We are finally reading scriptures again as a family.  It has taken almost two years to get in the habit.  We usually did it in the mornings because we got up very early and Brian had bishopric meetings at nights before I got sick.  Well, when all hell broke loose in our family I think Satan himself tried everything in his power to bring us down to hell with him.  I felt like I was in hell and so did Brian.  Things have never been the same and I don’t think they ever will be.  Anyone who has ever been through a life changing experience knows it is just that - a LIFE CHANGING experience.  My children are learning so many things about the scriptures and so am I.  I am learning things that I forgot about.  We have never stopped saying prayers.

-         I have a very strict diet now.  I mainly eat what is in the word of wisdom.  I won’t go into too much detail of my conversations with my husband.  But sometimes I get a little bitter.  Can you tell I’ve had one of those weeks?  Some weeks I thank Heavenly Father so much for all of his help and other weeks I ask, “WHY?!”  I remember hearing about single mothers who were high on drugs pregnant with their third child and I would ask Heavenly Father why those mothers were good enough to get pregnant but I wasn’t?  Well, obviously a miracle happened and now I am a mother and I am so blessed with two perfect angels.  Well, I found myself sitting outside of Old Navy feeling motion sick and not being able to finish the flip-flop shopping trip with my family.  So, my husband, as usual, got to finish it with the kids.  I was sitting on the bench outside a bunch of stores watching obese person after obese person walk outside each store.  Now, you probably think I am so rude.  I don’t usually judge people by their outside appearance.  But I have worked DARN hard to do everything in my power to get myself healthy in hopes of some miracle or some blessing to occur in my life.  I read what it says in the Word of Wisdom and the blessings that can be received and I am looking at all the smokers and obese people that clearly don’t live the word of wisdom and they are receiving all the blessings that I have been praying and begging for.  Why not me?  And so I sat right there and said a lecturey prayer to Heavenly Father.  I am sure most people have never said a prayer like that in their lives.  I can’t even picture my mother-in-law ever saying the kind of prayers I say to Heavenly Father.  Well, I told him exactly how I felt.  Well, I never heard anything back, but I told him how I felt! 

I promised that I would be blunt and honest about my feelings and this week has been a pretty AMAAAAAZING week (sarcasm intended.)  With my condition there are so many ups and downs.  My husband tells me I am the strongest person he has ever known.  And as I write that I have tears running down my cheeks, because my husband has known some pretty amazing people in his life.  My husband is the love of my eternities.  I could never find anyone as manly, romantic, loving, cute, honest, sincere and kind as my man.  I will not apologize for how long this post is because this is my blog.  If this was my journal, this would be exactly what I would write.  So there it is!