Instant Family Movie and Adoption

"Adoption is not a breaking of trust but keeping of faith...not the abandonment of a baby but an abandonment of self for a baby's sake."

Brian and I went to the new movie out this month, Instant Family.  We rarely go to the movies anymore because the movies never are as good as the movies back when we were kids, or the movie has a bunch of perverted jokes that take no creativity to write, or the movie is too cheesy, or the movie is not interesting to me (like sci-fi or fantasy), or I could have written a better movie script than the actual Hollywood writers - well, you get the point.  The movies are just not entertaining anymore.  

The movie Instant Family had me in tears from the beginning.  I kept getting choked up throughout the entire movie.  I thought I was going to a movie like Daddy's Home where I would laugh uncontrollably throughout the movie.  I did laugh many times, but I cried more than I laughed.  It was not a sad movie.  For me it was pretty realistic without being graphic or depressing.  It was uplifting in a realistic way.  I don't know how else to describe it.  Again, I did laugh a ton also.  There was humor and emotion throughout the entire movie.  It was a perfect balance for me.  The reason I got choked up throughout the entire movie is that NO child should ever feel unwanted, but too many children do feel unwanted.  

After we got home from the movie, I got on the internet and the first thing that popped up was about adoption.  Here is the article:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/parenting/my-son-is-adopted-and-yes-i-am-his-real-mother/ar-BBPwNh2?ocid=spartandhp  

I won't go into our entire adoption story, but I will explain why we came to the conclusion to adopt.

We had to do in-vitro fertilization to get pregnant with Kendra.  I was set on having a baby made from me and Brian.  I did not want to adopt because I had always pictured having a child the "normal" way.  I wanted to have a child that was biologically ours.  I pictured an uber-athletic boy that had dark hair, blue eyes, and tan skin (obviously I forgot that Brian had something to do with the gene pool of our child. 😜).  In vitro fertilization is ridiculously expensive and giving shots of hormones in the stomach and hip everyday plus getting blood taken every few days to the point of having permanent scar tissue in my veins was not quite as fun as making a baby the old fashioned way.  LOL.  My pregnancy was horrible!  We are blessed that Kendra was born at 38 weeks instead of 24 weeks.  When my sisters and I "popped" out of my mom, we had dark hair, dark eyelashes, and eyebrows.  We were not paper white.  When Kendra "popped" out of me, she was very white (I could see her veins under her skin), she had NO hair (she was seriously bald until she was three), she had no eyebrows or eyelashes, and she had a cone head from her being stuck in the birth canal since around 24 weeks of the pregnancy.  As Kendra got older her cone head disappeared and she became pretty like a porcelain doll.  I loved her more than anything from the moment she was born, even if she did not appear to look anything like me.  That is when it dawned on me that it did not matter what our child looks like.  

I never wanted to go through in-vitro fertilization or pregnancy again!  I got so excited about adopting a baby.  I did not care what the baby would look like, I just wanted to love a child and have the child part of our family.  I enjoyed the adoption experience soooooo much (X 1,000,000,000) more than pregnancy!  It was a beautiful experience.  I bawled when I saw our baby Kessa, and I felt the same exact connection as I did when I saw Kendra for the first time.  

Here are a few misconceptions that some people do not get about adoption:

There are different complications with adoption, but the complications are no harder than having a biological child.  I know biological families where every child has autism or a mental illness or physical disease or relationship issues or school issues or a combination.  It is called LIFE!  For some reason when an adopted child has issues then the fact that the child was adopted is brought up.  People seem to have to mention the adoption when in actuality adopted children have the same odds as any biological child for problems or accomplishments.  There is NO difference!  Each child comes with his/her own gifts, talents, and struggles.  I cringe when I watch the news and the newscasters have to mention someone's child being adopted.  "Their adopted son..."  Why not say, then, "Their vaginally birthed son"?  or "Their C-sectioned son"?  or "Their biological son"?  It is just silly!  I think it is just ignorance because adoption is not the norm.  It's different than how the majority of people have a family.  

Here are some statistics about adoption:

Statistics have shown that adopted children, in a home with a mother and a father, are much more likely to never be abused and to live in a stable, loving home.  Children growing up with a father and mother are less likely to drop out of school, to divorce or separate, and/or to depend on welfare.  They are also less likely to become pregnant out-of-wedlock and engage in delinquent behavior.  Children in adoptive families have better health status and higher quality home environments than all other children.  Mothers who place their child for adoption are more likely to finish school and less likely to live in poverty.  Single girls that choose adoption are more likely to marry.  Women who have nonmarital births have lower educational attainment and lower incomes, are less likely to work full-time, and more likely to receive welfare.  Children who are raised by a single parent are five times as likely to be poor, twice as likely to drop out of school and two to three times more likely as adults to commit crimes.  Single mothers experience disproportionately higher rates of physical and psychiatric illness than married mothers.  Single mothers also report less social involvement and fewer contacts with friends.  *If you want more information about these statistics than please ask.   

Another example that seems to matter to some people, but not to the adopted parents, is if the adopted child looks like the family or not.  The adopted parents don't care - at all!  It is fine to tell adopted parents that their adopted children look like them if that is an observation, but the adopted parents don't care.  It doesn't make us feel any better or worse about our children because we don't care if they look like us or not.  We would not change our adopted children for biological children.  Our adopted children are as much a part of us as your biological children.  There is no difference.  I am grateful I have a biological child and an adopted child because I can say with 100% surety that the feelings are the same.  I don't think about how one of my daughters was birthed through me and the other was adopted.  The only time I think about it is when the subject is brought up.  

I remember when Kessa was a boogery toddler that someone at church found out that Kessa was adopted.  It was right before the church service began and the person was sitting in the pew across from us.  I felt them staring at us for most of the service.  I felt like a rare animal in a public zoo.  Kessa was acting up and all over the place. She kept yelling at the top of her lungs.  I felt this person curious to see how I would react to Kessa's behavior, like it would be different just for the fact that she was adopted.  It gave me the feeling that this person just couldn't understand how the relationship could be the same as a biological mother with a toddler.  It was awkward, big time!  That has not been the only time that has occurred.  Adoption is the way my daughter came into our family.  When some people find out that Kessa was adopted they can't seem to wrap their minds around it.  It's pretty hilarious!  It's awkward at the same time because we are just like any other mother and daughter.  I have felt judged on a few occasions when I have had to discipline Kessa by taking away a privilege or getting upset at her.  I know it is because they don't get that she is my child and that there is no difference than if it were Kendra.  It is like they feel sorry for her like she needs to be coddled more just because she was adopted.  She doesn't think about how she was adopted.  I am her mom and Brian is her dad.  We are her family.  She doesn't have another family.  We are her only mom and dad.  

How would you feel if your child came home confused because another child told him/her that you are not his/her real mom?  The link I posted is all about the "real" mom issue, so I won't write much about it.  I just hope that if adoption ever comes up (or even if it doesn't)  that parents will talk to their children about how there is no difference, it is just a different way a child came into a family.

We are very open to Kessa about the girl that gave birth to her.  At this point Kessa has had no desire to meet her.  She thinks of Ashlee as a stranger. She sometimes has questions about biological things, but that is it.  We have always talked very positively about Ashlee.  It has been an open discussion since Kessa's birth.  She can talk or ask anything about her birth and Ashlee, but she has rarely ever brought it up because to her this is her life and her family.  It helps, also, that Ashlee wanted to keep Kessa and loves Kessa, but she knew that she was not ready to take care of a baby.  She also wanted Kessa to go to a home with a mom and a dad.  She was selfless in placing Kessa for adoption.  That is the other misconception with adoption and foster care.  Being with the biological parents is not always best.  Biology does not make a mommy and a daddy.  The biological parent may love the child more than anything, but it does not mean that it is best for the child to stay with them.  It is not "giving up" a baby.   Birth parents don't place a baby for adoption because she/he doesn't want the baby.  They place a baby for adoption because they want the baby to have the best life possible.  Birth parents that place a baby for adoption are making the selfless choice - in my opinion the most selfless choice.  There is nothing selfish about placing a child for adoption.  

Adopted parents do not mind people's questions.  In fact, I love if someone is upfront about anything when it comes to adoption or Kessa.  That is the only way misconceptions are squelched.  

 I wanted to foster-adopt when I was 30, but then I got sick. I am worried I am too old now, but seeing the movie makes me want to go adopt a bunch of foster teenagers.  I know that love is a choice, not just a feeling.  Jonathan became part of our family this past year and we will always love him.  We felt love for him the moment he walked off the plane and we threw our arms around him.  Did he test our patience sometimes?  For sure!  Did I want to kick him where it hurts at time?  Yes!  I am positive he felt the same way about us at times, and probably more!  I wouldn't change any of it!  We became family.  The love is unconditional and forever.  It was the best year and I would love to relive it over and over.  I think the love a couple can feel for a non-biological child would be surprising to some.  The love can be stronger than one has ever felt before. 

In conclusion - haha- I suggest everyone go see Instant Family in the theater this month, which happens to be National Adoption month.  (Warning:  It says the F-word once, but I didn't care for once because I loved the message of the movie so much.)  

Happy National Adoption Month!       

I am Opinionated about Everything!

Tonight I got in the car and started listening to the news.  I now remember why I stopped listening to the news while driving.  It gets me so upset and angry. 

Okay, I have to clarify something.  I don't have an opinion about everything, but I am not a wishy washy person.  I am not a person that is in the gray area on  most anything.  It is either black or white usually.  I don't get deceived easily.  No one can get me to change my mind unless the person has good facts to change my mindset.   

I am also a deep feeler.  I do not have to have others agree with my opinions to continue treating them with respect and love.  I am very adamant about how I feel.  I can argue with someone about anything, but it is only because it is entertaining to me (as long as the person has the same mindset as me and is not out to demean or can't handle a good argument.)  I will try to prove my point, but I know that it is a shot in the dark to change someone's mind.  I just like adamantly expressing my opinions. My very favorite guy friends were the ones that loved arguing with me for fun.  Sometimes my friends would come up with something they knew would shock me just to get my feathers ruffled.  It was all in fun.  I love people that can argue for sport and not for blood.  Like I said, it isn't about proving I am right.  I love being able to express my feelings and thoughts. 

Back to political news.  So, I was listening to the news and I could not believe everything I was hearing, even though there are absolutely NO facts to back anything up that was being said.  Hilary Clinton and Obama were talking and I could hardly stand listening to either speech.  Everything that came out of their mouths was lies about the Republican Party.  I am so sick of both Republicans and Democrats pinning everyone against each other.  I do not agree with most of the political or moral views of the left, but I know that the politicians on the right can be deceitful and conniving also.  I do think that the left has more hate tactics and lies.  They love to get FEELINGS all riled up with hate, but they don't use many facts or they twist anything that is good that has to do with Republicans into something bad.  What bothers me is that here is our ex-president and Hilary Clinton spewing things like the Republican party is racist and trying to keep minorities from being leaders.  Or that we are a white man party that accepts men being dominant.  That is just one little thing that was spewed out of their hateful mouths.  And yes, they have hate in them.  I think Trump has hate for his opponents also.  These politicians always use "THEY" in their speeches speaking of the people in the opposite political party.  "THEY" (The Republican Party) want to keep black America down and in their places so black America and minorities can't be leaders or get ahead.  "THEY" want to make the white man more rich while we struggle to feed our families.  It's disgusting the tactics these politicians use to get people's feelings riled up with hate! 

First,  where are the facts that "THEY" are doing anything of the sort?  Why don't people ask for facts?  The politicians twist things also to sound a certain way to make their opponents look bad.  Do the American people actually get that one politician can't decide everything for a state or the country?  A good politician will allow the community he serves to choose what the people want in the community.  It doesn't necessarily mean that the politician agrees with the decision, but he is allowing the people he serves to make the decision.

Second, do my liberal friends actually believe that people like Brian and I are racist and want our minority friends to not become leaders or to thrive?  Really?  Does anyone truly believe that we would support any racist idea or belief?  Does anyone believe that we would support any type of hate?  Does anyone believe that we would support any man that is racist or a pedophile?  There is no way I would ever support anything that is close to being racist or evil.  Yes, racism is evil and so is pedophilia. 

Has anyone noticed that these politicians on both sides only use campaign advertisements to put down their opponents?  I think they should never be able to bring the other person up in a campaign or debate.  They can only use "I", not "HE" or "THEY".  Then people would actually have to look at what the person believes and what he/she wants to accomplish if elected. 

My point is that Republicans are not racists or homophobic or sexist.  Liberals are told that we are and they twist things to sound like it, but there is no way that Republicans are those awful stereotypes.  Of course there are racists, homophobics, and sexists people in the world, but they come in all different shapes and sizes, different political parties, and different colors.  Some have money and some are financially poor. 

I am soooo tired of being pitted against each other.  I wish everyone would look at facts.  Whichever political party you align with then vote for that political party and leave it be!  I am sick of being put down for my opinions.  I have been called names and demeaned because of my viewpoints.  Calling names and being demeaning is not going to open another's mind up to listen to another person's point of view.  There is more to me than the political party I align with. I am a caring person that loves people.  I may not agree with your religion, politics, or morals - but more than anything I want you to be happy.  Everyone is a person that matters.  I believe every person has talents and abilities that are unique and can be a blessing to others.  My type personality gets a high seeing others smile and laugh.  If I can make a person smile then I feel accomplished.  So, when I pick up the wallet you left on the counter at the store and hand it back to you and you say, "Thank you so much!"  Or when I coach your children and they bring a smile to my face by the funny things they say and do.  Or when we're stuck in line somewhere and we start making jokes.  Or when I am your patient and you help me with my health.  Do you really think I freaking care what your political views are?  Would you still be nice to my smiling face if you found out that I like what Trump has done with our country? Would you still be kind to me if I told you that I think Kavanaugh is innocent?  Would you be nice if you knew that I think affirmative action is a crock and it only keeps minorities down instead of building them up?  Would I suddenly be evil in your mind?  I know that I am not evil.  I know that I am a loving person that cares so much about people.  I can't walk by a homeless person without giving them something.  I can't handle any news story that has to do with a child.  It will keep me up at night.  I want to adopt every child in need.  If it weren't for Brian's logic, we would have at least 200 children and about 500 pets by now.  I try to help in other ways.  I LOVE to be around people.  I love to hear their life story and understand why they are who they are.  I could not be hateful to anyone.  Well, I guess I could be hateful if someone was hateful to my kids or my husband.  You would not want to see that side of me!

My point is that there are reasons each of us aligns with a certain political group.  I have a very strong belief in God.  I have been made fun of for believing in "a fairy tale" on social media.  People have told me I am uneducated because of my belief in scriptures and God and they puff themselves up with their degrees and their education.  Some of the most educated people I know are the apostles and prophets in my church, so their put-downs are just silly.  Hello!  Our prophet was a heart surgeon and actually was on a team of people that came up with something (I can't remember what it was at the moment because I am not some brainer) but it has helped save people's lives to this day.   I would never make fun of someone for his/her beliefs, including the belief in God being a myth.  That is the person's choice and I should respect the person's choice.  I just wish that I was respected.  Can't we just respect each other?

I know my post is not going to affect the world or change the world.  I just wanted to vent my frustration and sadness that people are getting more divisive.  They feel justified in their hate and will go to great lengths, to the point of force, to shut another's opinions and choices down.  I have seen people on the left literally try and force someone to not have their opinion.  It's ridiculous!  I hear hate come out of people's mouths, but they feel justified because it is hateful words against the other side.  Political commentators on the right are harassed on certain left-wing colleges, or banned from speaking.  It's chaos!  And hateful!  Disagree, but be respectful!  It's like these people were raised by wild animals.  They are out of control and they feel justified.  How is acting hateful justified?  Another's viewpoints should never be an excuse to be hateful.  If you think the other person is hateful because of his/her political beliefs, does that give you the right to scream, throw things, harass, get physical, and/or vandalize property? 

Okay, vent over.  As my friend posted today:  Stop getting caught up in the political warfare going on and get to know your neighbors.  He said we don't need civil war, we just need to be civil.             

Listen Up Boyzzzz!

Brian came home wearing this shirt one day.  He bought it because the moment he saw it he knew it was made for him.  

There are a few thoughts that have been reiterated in my mind the past few months.  I am coming from the place of a mother with a teenage daughter.  Every child is unique.  The thoughts and feelings I have are in correlation to MY teenage daughter and what I see and feel through her eyes.

I had a thought come to my mind in July that has repeated in my head many times over.  If a girl is trying to live a clean life in every way, is genuinely kind, honest, pretty, emotionally stable, is not materialistic, knows who she is, and loves to have fun - why then would she choose a boy that is not living the same way?  Why would she choose someone that is not living a clean life, or is emotionally unstable, or weird, or controlling, gets jealous easily, or is arrogant?  Unless the girl is majorly manipulated by flattering words and romantic gestures, then guess what?  It doesn't matter how much you love the girl, she ain't choosing you buddy! 

Kendra will be 16 in October.  I will not be able to make decisions on who she chooses to date, but I do know my daughter.  I do know who she is.  I especially know what she deserves.    

Kendra is as good as they come.  She is not perfect, but she wants to do good and she is good.  She likes to have fun and she loves socializing.  She does not have the ability to be anything but genuine.  She doesn't need attention to build her self-esteem, or pose provocatively on Instagram or post a ton of selfies so boys will look at her.  She is truly genuine.  For example, the boy Kendra had a crush on liked Kendra and another girl.  The other girl would snub Kendra and act like she wasn't there.  Kendra came home and said, "I don't know why, but it seems like so-and-so does not like me."  I had to tell her why the girl does not like her.  Then Kendra said, "But she doesn't even know me.  That doesn't make sense.  Maybe she just takes awhile to get to know people."😳  She has always been that way with everyone.  I have had to tell her when a friend is not being a good friend.  Even when someone has hurt her she is still kind.  It makes me choke up thinking about it. 

Kendra is no push over though.  She is not swayed easily and she can be very bold.  She reminds me of her dad in that regard.  So, if you think you can manipulate her you high school pip squeak, then think again!

Thus far in Kendra's life she has never had a boyfriend.  That does not mean that boys have not liked her.  Just this past summer she had four different boys that went after her, but she did not like any of them.  I, of course, did not find out about all the different "situations" until after the fact.  Most of the boys that have gone after Kendra she has liked as friends.  Kendra has liked boys also.  She has only liked one or two boys back, but she felt she was too young to have a boyfriend or the circumstances prevented her from pursuing a relationship with the boy.  Most every boy has been friend-zoned, poor boys.  The boys she has liked are far and few between.  She has never been boy crazy or felt the need to have a boyfriend, and her parents have thanked their lucky stars!

I see some girls with boyfriends and I not only thank my lucky stars that the girl is not Kendra, but I thank the Heavens!  Kendra would rather have no boyfriend then to settle.  I was the same way in college.  All my friends were getting married SO YOUNG.  I went out on dates all the time and it wasn't like I never had boyfriends.  I got to the point in my life where I thought, "Maybe I'm just girlfriend material, or a fun date, but I am not marriage material." I remember one night praying about how I felt.  I realized that I would rather be single for the rest of my life then settle for less than what I wanted in a husband.  I didn't necessarily think I deserved everything I wanted, but I decided that if I couldn't have what I wanted then I just wouldn't get married.  I met Brian a few months later.  No girl should settle just because a guy likes her or because the guy has good qualities, but not the most important ones.  I see girls dating guys that do not share the same standards, or guys that don't treat her right, or guys that are immature.  I pray every night that my girls will know who they are and that they will know their self worth.  It doesn't come from a boy!

One night Kendra opened up to me as I was driving her home from a party she attended.  I always cherish the times she opens up to me and shares her inner thoughts and feelings.  She asked me, "Do you think I will ever be asked to date?"  I thought she was talking about when she would turn sixteen.  I said, "Yes, you will definitely go out on dates."  She then said, "No, I mean have a boyfriend."  I said, "Are you talking about when you turn sixteen?"  She said, "Well, I don't want a boyfriend because I am not sixteen, but I wish a boy would ask me to be his girlfriend."  I got the distinct impression because of the girls around her dating and kissing boys that she was feeling like she was missing out on something and not feelings as great about herself.  I knew many of the girls with boyfriends were the type that were very out-going, flirtatious, and aggressive.  I was so thankful that a story I read about Muhammad Ali came to my mind at that point.  I would rather copy and past the story here because it is better told by Muhammad Ali's daughter:

 His globally known nick name is “The Greatest.” That name refers to his incredible fighting talent. However, I would like to suggest that the term “the Greatest” might also include his advice to his daughters. See below:

The following incident took place when Muhammad Ali’s daughters arrived at his home wearing clothes that were not modest. Here is the story as told by one of his daughters:

When we finally arrived, the chauffeur escorted my younger sister, Laila, and me up to my father’s suite. As usual, he was hiding behind the door waiting to scare us. We exchanged many hugs and kisses as we could possibly give in one day.

My father took a good look at us. Then he sat me down on his lap and said something that I will never forget. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Hana, everything that God made valuable in the world is covered and hard to get to. Where do you find diamonds? Deep down in the ground, covered and protected. Where do you find pearls? Deep down at the bottom of the ocean, covered up and protected in a beautiful shell. Where do you find gold? Way down in the mine, covered over with layers and layers of rock. You’ve got to work hard to get to them.”

He looked at me with serious eyes. “Your body is sacred. You’re far more precious than diamonds and pearls, and you should be covered too.” 

I related this story to dating, kissing, and chastity.  I told Kendra that boys are not looking for a wife in junior high and high school.  Most boys go out with whatever girl makes it easy for them and kiss whatever girl makes it easy for them.  I then told her that she is a rare gem.  She is not easily obtained.  When she is obtained she will be treasured because she is pure and rare.  It was a very good talk and I could tell that she made a choice in her head - a good choice.  

There are very few boys I think are good enough for my daughters.  If you ask Brian he would tell you there are no boys good enough for his daughters.  

A boy may have everything going for himself, but if he tends to go after the superficial, barbie look-a-like, attention-seeking, dozens of pictures of herself (or with others) on her social media type girls then he is no good for my daughter - I don't care how perfect he is in every other way.  

Second, if the boy only likes girls that go after him and flirt with him then you have no chance with my daughter, because no matter how much she may have a crush on you, her mentality with boys is in the 1950's.  You have to go after her!  And it won't be easy.  She doesn't gush all over someone.  It takes time to get to know her.  High school boys are into the RIGHT NOW and whatever makes them feel good.  So, bye-bye little boys. 

Third, if you need to have your ego boosted or a girl to flirt with you constantly then my daughter is not for you!  Adios amigos!  Her job is not to feed your ego!  She doesn't know how to be anything but genuine and sincere.  If she gives you a compliment then you know it's honest.  

Fourth, if you think it is okay to kiss whatever girl you are attracted to then don't even think about kissing my daughter!  Your kisses are cheap!  Hers are gold.

Fifth, if you think it is alright to experiment with pornography, sex,  drugs, cigarettes, marijuana, or any other type of filth, and then expect to have a clean, sweet, pretty girl honor and respect you then think again.  At some point what you try to hide will come out.  If you want the clean, sweet, pretty girl then you better be trying to live a clean life!  Anyone can repent and change.  It doesn't matter what you have done in the past if you have cleaned up your ways.  If you only clean up your life to try and get a girl then it won't work.  You have to do it for yourself!  Kendra doesn't care what is "normal" to other people, she lives a clean life because it makes her feel good.

Sixth, if my daughter likes you and you snub her ONE time then you are not worth it!  End of story tonto!  I would rather my daughters be lonely spinsters than to have their self-worth torn down!  

If any boy ever read my blog they are probably scared to death to even glance at either of my daughters.  Truth is that Brian and I are the most accepting, loving people - well, especially Brian.  All I want is for my daughters to enjoy their childhoods, have fun making friends, and continue to gain a testimony of Jesus Christ.  I trust Kendra, so whomever she someday will choose to date, I will know he is a special guy and he will be accepted and loved by us.  Until then I will continue to thank my lucky stars!  

LOVE

Warning:  This blog post contains bragging.  Reading may cause nausea and constant rolling of the eyes.  Proceed with caution.  

If there was a scripture to describe my husband, this scripture would be at the top of the list:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Brian's love has been a constant in my life since the day we realized we both had an interest in each other.  He has never yelled at me or told me anything to me that would make me feel bad about myself.  He does not hesitate to tell me his opinions and he is one of the boldest persons I have ever known.  There is a big difference between arrogance and being bold.  There is a big difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  Brian is assertive and bold.  People listen to him when he is making a point and it is impossible to argue with his words.  They are not from a place of trying to be right or a place of boasting.  His words and actions are honest, humble, and bold.  He is also very loyal.  I have never had to worry about him being dishonest or looking at another woman.  Not ever!  He has only had eyes for me since the day we started dating.  Men will make the excuse that they are men so they can't help it.  Brian has mastered himself since he was very young.  His parents taught him correct principals and he adhered to their words.  Of course he was and is attracted to women.  He always seemed to have a girlfriend since the day he was in Kindergarten until close to the time he met me.  Brian is blessed that he chose from a very young age to not go near pornography and to not take part in any form of pornography.  He was in sports and he avoided filthy talk or being part of looking at any form of pornography.  He stayed away from pornography like it was the plague.  Because of his choices, and because of the example of his father and older brothers, he has been the most loyal husband and father.  He has always put his family first, and especially me. 

Instead of being mocked, his peers respected him.  Brian is not judgmental.  He is the most accepting person I know.  He has compassion for those that struggle with not only pornography, but other addictions that can make a person miserable.  He has compassion and love for those that are hurting in any form in their lives.  He always compared it to how much he loves Doctor Pepper.  He says, "If I have a hard time quitting Doctor Pepper then I can't imagine how hard it is to quit serious addictions."  He always is understanding.  I find him on his knees for long periods of time praying for those in our ward that are struggling.  I do not know who he is praying for or what the circumstances are, but they are always on his mind and in his prayers.

Brian had close friends in high school that did drugs and drank.  Often he was the designated driver.  He was the Stake President's son, and I am sure there were parents in the stake that would never allow their child to hang out with a group that was choosing bad choices.  His parents taught him to love others, but to stand firm in his convictions and beliefs.  His friends became protective of him and would warn him to not go to certain places because of the filth that would be occurring.  Some of his friends were in rehab on and off for years.  Brian also had friends that had the same standards as himself.  I love that he loved!  He loved his friend's hearts and did not focus on the drinking or smoking or drugs.  Brian did not like that his friends were choosing those choices.  His friends knew how Brian felt about it because of his example.  

I don't think there are many people on this earth that are so selfless.  Brian rarely has thought about himself since we got married.  It is in his nature to always think about what would make me happy or the girls happy.  He feels pulled in so many different directions.  He is the owner of a business with many employees that he oversees and then he is bishop.  No matter what others may think he should do like putting his calling first, he never has.  He has always made his family a priority.  I can't imagine how hard that must be for him when his phone is going off non-stop with work calls and church calls.  The hardest part is that he knows what others are going through and I am positive that he wants to be there for every person struggling.  He chose at the beginning of our marriage that he would always put our family first. 

One day we were talking to one of our daughters about thinking outside of oneself.  We have tried to stress how we are here to uplift other people and to serve.  It is all about becoming closer to the Savior and loving others as the Savior loves.  Our daughter said, "Dad, you always are helping us.  You are always helping everyone."  I wasn't sure how Brian would respond to her flattering, but sincere words.  Brian's sincerity in his response was strongly felt as he told our daughter that he made a choice a long time ago (at this point he got choked up) that he would not think about himself.  He had made the conscious choice to put others first.  

How?  How did I get this man?  How was I the one that broke off our engagement multiple times?  His love has been steady as a rock in my life.  He is the constant that I never had in my life.  I do not have to wonder or worry with him.  I feel secure.  I know I am always loved no matter what.  No matter what!  

Brian is my very best friend.  I read an Ensign article the other day written by some type of professor or something of that nature that has studied marriages that work and marriages that fail.  He wrote about the myth of soul mates or "the one".  God does not choose your husband or wife.  YOU choose your husband or wife.  Once that choice is made, it is a life-long process to strive to emulate the Savior's love within one's marriage.  I am grateful that there are articles for adults, young adults, and teenagers to read that help debunk the myth of what a loving marriage should be founded on.  When someone feels the rush of falling in love, it is a chemical reaction.  It is mostly infatuation.  At some point it will go away. Falling in love is just that - a chemical reaction.  A rush.  The feeling can be very strong and overwhelming.  The phrase "I fell in love at first sight" is a myth.  The person may have an overwhelming draw to a certain person, but it is that chemical reaction.  It is just the first phase of getting to know someone.  When it leaves some couples or one spouse desires the rush over stability and true love.   Hopefully what is left when that infatuation is long gone is devotion, affection, compassion, forgiveness, loyalty, friendship, and LOVE.  The kind of love described in the scripture I shared.  I am beyond blessed that I have a husband that is my very best friend.  He desires real love over some excited rush.  Falling in love should only happen once in a relationship, during the courting phase.  

Our marriage is not perfect because neither of us is perfect.  We get impatient at times.  I get grumpy.  Brian gets tired.  The kids drive us crazy.  Someone gets sick.  Work is hard.  The dogs peed in the house.  Etc., etc., etc.  Brian is the rock, in my opinion.  He is the one that is always emulating Christ-like love.  He is never sitting, always doing.  If he sees something needs to be done, he will do it whether it is the dishes or folding laundry.  He is always helping.  It never seizes.  He is not as spry as he once was when our children were younger.  He has many more responsibilities and he is tired when he comes home.  When he is awake he is always thinking about how to help and he is always loving.  He is selfless.

I hope that one day I can emulate the Savior the way my husband emulates the Savior.  I am far from it!!  When I pictured marriage as a kid, I pictured the twitterpated love portrayed on Bambi when Thumper's leg can't stop thumping the ground while the girl bunny is playing with his ear.  LOL.  I am grateful that instead I have the feelings of peace, comfort, stability, safety, warmth, affection, and LOVE.  Thank you Brian for always loving me.  I never had the emotional stability and peace in my life until I married you.  Thank you for showing me what real love is.  I love you forever no matter what!

And now these three remain:  faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is LOVE.   

Hindsight is NOT Always 20/20

Hindsight is 20/20 Definition:   It is easy for one to be knowledgeable about an event after it has happened. 

Foresight Definition:  The ability to predict or the action of predicting what will happen or be needed in the future.

Eyesight Definition:  A person's ability to see with one's eyes.


I don't even have perfect eyesight let alone any other "sight".  Even my Hindsight is blurry right now.  

Have you ever looked back and thought:

"Could I have done better?"
"Should I have changed this or that?"
"Why did I do that?"

This past school year has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.  I have learned a great deal about myself.  I can look back and wonder if I had to do it all over again, would I change the things I did, said, and/or acted?  That is where my hindsight is blurry.  If I could do it all over again I could change myself in situations, but I have no idea if the outcome would be the same or not.  I have learned a great deal about myself this year.

Before the school year started, I had no foresight.  Each moment I had to go by faith.  My main goal in each moment was to make each moment count and to love my family.  

One aspect of myself is that I have the ability to love deeply.  Love is a choice.  The term "falling in love" is mainly a chemical reaction.  But to love is a choice.  It is what is in one's heart.  It is the selfless choice and ability to care about another person and to care about that person's feelings and experience above one's own.  The deepest love I have felt in my life is for Brian and my children.  This year I learned that I did not have to raise a child to love him as my own.  

Loving and caring about others is ingrained in me.  With that strength can come weaknesses also.  I have always been the type of mom that just lets things happen.  Kendra and Kessa have always told me about what is going on in their lives.  If they have a problem, I definitely feel for them.  I would love to fix it, but I know I can't.  We can talk about it, we can pray, I can try to help them, but the situation is theirs.  

This year I wanted so badly to make everything good that I tried to protect feelings and control some situations.  Not a ton, but I definitely tried to control or protect certain aspects.  I thought that trying to control anything of that nature was not in me.  Clearly I was wrong.  Sometimes I was trying to protect myself and other times I was trying to protect others.  Insecurities would come out and I would put that on others to help me feel more secure in the relationship or situation.  Some insecurities I had before my illness do not exist in me now.  It is like they just disappeared overnight once I got sick.  This year I learned that I can have different kinds of insecurities.  Yes, the year was wonderful.  Everything I desired happened:  Laughter, love, fun times.  But I wonder if things would have been better if I had not been scared and had let go of trying to control moments and feelings.  That is where my foresight comes in and is very blurry.  I do not know if things would have been better.  The overall feelings from this year is love.  I have laughed harder then I have in years.  I felt more carefree then I have since before I got sick.  It was as though I was finally able to let loose and let go of the haunting years my illness had over me.

In the end, I can't determine how someone else feels or thinks.  Everyone's perspective can be so different.  I can love with everything I have in me and still not be able to make another person feel, think, or do the same as me.  I can sacrifice and not be appreciated.  I can say and do things for one reason and others think I am doing it for a completely different reason.  I can do something or say something and the other person misinterpret it.  I can give everything in me and get nothing back.  In the end, I have to evaluate my own heart.  Do I make mistakes?  Yes.  Do I have insecurities?  Yes.  Have I tried at times to control other's happiness?  Yes.  Overall, though, I know that my intentions are good, even though I have things to change (don't we all!)  Brian told me that I have the biggest heart and the capability to love another person deeply.  He has also told me that in his experience that I am not normal.  (I've heard that before - haha!)  He has told me that I can just love others with no strings.  He told me that I am not normal in that I easily see my part in things instead of blaming or making excuses.  He knows that if I hear of another person's hard circumstances that I put myself in the situation and my heart breaks.  I can't live with myself if I feel I am being dishonest in any way.  My conscious can't handle it.  So, even though there are mistakes that I have made this past year, I know that more than anything I just wanted everyone to feel LOVE.     

Relationships mean everything to me.  I have a very, very small circle of people that I feel my complete self with.  I can show and be my worst self, and I know that small circle of people will still love me, no matter what.  That small circle of people is like a little circle protecting me and it is very hard to get into that circle.  I care deeply for everyone outside that circle, but the difference is that I can be my authentic self, flaws and all with my little circle.  The people in my little circle could fight with me and get me so mad, they can tell me off, or even make huge mistakes.  It doesn't matter, though, because I know that our relationship will still be there.  It won't change all the good and it won't change our love for each other.  That circle is Brian, my children, my parents, my sisters, and my one best friend.  It is a small circle.  They are the ones I feel know ME, all my flaws and all my weaknesses, and they still love me!  That is what is amazing.  I always was told, and knew, that family is what is important and matters most.  But it wasn't until I got very sick for a long period of time that I realized how much that statement is true.  I now am so focused on my small circle that I rarely notice anything outside of that circle.  I still don't know if that is a bad or good thing.  I do know that my small circle means everything to me.

I have come to realize that I will always have things to work on and things to improve about myself.  The only thing I can do is work on myself and move on.  Those in my small circle will still be there, and that is what matters to me.      

Goodbye Gymnastics, Hello...Cheerleader?

I have been asked how I feel about Kendra quitting gymnastics.  The answer is...FANTASTIC!!

Those in her gymnastics realm were shocked, and I think they are still shocked.  I don't think unless one has been around the gymnastics arena one can understand what an amazing gymnast Kendra was.  She would definitely have gotten a scholarship to a great gymnastics university, which is pretty much like making the Olympics in another sport.  Kendra was one of the best gymnasts in the nation at her level (9) of gymnastics.  This year she would have been at the top level and I know she would have done amazing just like she always has done amazing.  Getting any place lower than 3rd was a bad meet for Kendra.  She got used to being 1st place.  She would have been at the top level a few years ago if it weren't for the big break she had to take due to my illness.

Kendra spent 30 hours a week training.  That does not include meets, traveling, or any extras.  Kendra spent her summers at the gymnastics training center Monday-Saturday.  She had two, one week vacations throughout the summer and those two weeks were not in a row.  At her gymnastics center the gymnasts were expected to be at all practices.  We were unable to take family vacations or drive up to the cabin for a quick trip.  It was hard to ever go anywhere or do anything because life revolved around her gymnastics schedule.  Gymnastics is a year-round sport with no breaks.  She even had gymnastics training during Christmas vacation.  Her school year schedule went as follows:

School:  7-12:30
Gymnastics:  1-7
Eat dinner and do homework (she has all Honors classes): 7:30-midnightish

Her coaches and teammates were a gymnastics family.  So, she didn't just quit a sport, she had to stop spending time with people that have been part of her life since she was 4 years old.  She misses having a six pack and having cut muscles.  It is amazing how fast that can disappear.  There is no high school sport or training (including Crossfit) that comes anywhere close to her gymnastics workouts.

3 years old

 5 years old

This was some time after she took a 2 year break due to my illness.  She came back with a vengeance.  She was 1st in state up until the last event when she had a fluke fall on the bars.  She ended up placing 2nd.

 
 This was one of her favorite teams to compete with because they are AWESOME gymnasts.

 This was at Regionals held in California that year.  She obviously did amazing!

Regionals

  *She loved this team.  They were all amazingly talented gymnasts and super sweet girls.  1st place again.

Hardest worker

These girls are all about pushing their limits

 *Kendra's favorite event was beam.  She was solid.

 *Always laughing

 *I think Kendra got 1st at all of her season meets in 2017.

 bars

 *Kendra was chosen as one of the top gymnasts at her level to represent Arizona at Regionals.  They competed against California, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada.  Kendra was the top gymnast on the team.

 *Doing a pivot on the bars.  My stomach would hurt every time Kendra competed on bars and beam.

 * I wish I had gotten a picture of her flipping high in the air above the beam.

 *I never kept track of scores during a meet.  I never knew how well Kendra was scoring compared to the other competitors.  She always did wonderful.  She usually was always in the top two since she started competing at a young age.  She never got lower, from my knowledge, than a 9 on any event.

 *Level 9 girls

 *Kendra adored her coach Zena who had coached Kendra since she was 4 years old.

 *Another 1st place.

 *Kendra usually always placed in the top 3 on every event

These were the National qualifiers - the top gymnasts from California, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and Arizona to compete at level 9 Nationals.  The only thing higher than level 9 Nationals is level 10 Nationals which Kendra would have competed at this year if she had stayed in gymnastics.  She got 1st place on bars and 3rd overall.  Her routine on bars was featured on the GK Elite website (a brand like Nike).  

*Again, Kendra was in first the entire meet at level 9 Nationals, and on the last event, beam, she wobbled.

The moment Kendra quit gymnastics we told her that she can't take a break sitting on the couch watching all the shows that she has missed out on due to gymnastics.  We told her that she has to pick something to be involved in at school.  Her athletic choices at the time were cross country and cheerleading.  She was NOT happy at all.  Top gymnasts joke around about cheerleaders.  I will say, cheer and pom, even the top squads, are a joke to gymnasts.  There is nothing like the athleticism of a top-level gymnast.  Well, Kendra did not want to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to go running.  She also did not want to be a cheerleader.  Kendra has a gymnast mentality.  She is all bloods, guts, and glory.  She does not show emotion when competing.  She had to choose something, so she chose cheerleading.  She learned the routines the day of try-outs and made JV Cheer (Freshman can't be Varsity Cheerleaders) at Highland High School.  Even the hardest workouts on the cheer team have been a piece of cake for her.  She has a hard time if anyone whines.  A girl broke her fingers and is now not cheering because of her broken fingers.  Kendra has a hard time with it since every gymnast on her team had injuries and still worked out and competed.  She said, "You are telling me that she can't hold some pon-poms?!"  Kendra broke two of her fingers about a year ago and never said anything to her coaches.  She did everything with her broken fingers.  She also had a bad sprain (her ankle blew up like a balloon and was black and blue), so she wrapped it up and went full out on her training.  Nothing changed because she was injured.  It would have taken her braking an ankle to stop her from doing everything full out.  One time she was on the beam practicing her flick-lays (flip in the air) and she landed on the side of her upper thigh.  She hit so hard that she almost blacked out and now has permanent tissue damage. So, the mentality of a school "sport" (I guess they have officially made cheer a sport which is hilarious to me and Kendra) is not the same as an elite athlete.

 *Kendra fell hard on the beam twice.  The second time caused permanent damage to her tissue.

*This is a blurry picture, but this is what Kendra's hands and wrists looked like 24/7.  She was out on recess in sixth grade and an aid told her that she was wanted in the nurses office.  When she got to the nurses office the nurse asked, "What are those sores from?"  Kendra told her that all her sores and scratches are from gymnastics.  The nurse was asking Kendra about the sores and scratches because there were a few adults that noticed and thought she may be cutting herself.  I am grateful we were able to laugh over the situation.  I am also grateful for teachers that are looking out for children.

 *I wish I had gotten pictures of Kendra's broken fingers and her badly sprained ankle.  I think because it was her every day life I just didn't think about it.  Kendra never cried or complained about her injuries.  She is one tough cookies.

*Kendra was actually one of the lucky gymnasts.  Most of her teammates went through periods of time when they had casts or operations.  Kendra never took a break due to injuries.  The only thing that stops a gymnast is if a major bone is broken or ligaments have snapped, something more major than some broken fingers or a black and blue ankle the size of a balloon.

Kendra was embarrassed to be a cheerleader.  She had a very hard time acting peppy.  She felt dumb when her gymnastics teammates found out.  Her attitude has changed drastically since the time she first tried out for the cheer squad.  I have had plenty of talks with her about enjoying doing something different and getting to know the girls on her squad.  There is no reason to be embarrassed about something fun and interactive.  There is no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed over a worthwhile activity with good people and coaches.  It has taken most of the year, but she is finally enjoying cheerleading.  Cheerleading will never push her to her limits physically or be highly competitive for her, but she has learned other values and lessons that she would not make in gymnastics.  She has started getting to know the girls on her cheer squad.  They are very kind girls.  She is also learning how to compete with a group instead of by herself.  She would rather compete on her own than with a group, which I told her is so opposite of 99 percent of the people on the earth.  She is now smiling when she performs.  There are valuable lessons to be learned working with a group for a common goal.  It has opened her mind to helping others and allowing them to help her.  I think it has been a humbling experience.  Gymnastics taught her many valuable lessons and shaped her mind and body to be strong and determined.  Gymnastics was part of her identity and when it was gone she has had to try and figure out who she is without the sport of gymnastics.  I told her that gymnastics helped grow her muscles, and now she is growing her spirit.  Her mind has been opened to others.  She no longer makes fun of cheerleading.  She is letting loose and enjoying her time.  And she has even started telling me that she has been sore in areas that she didn't know had muscles.  LOL.

As for me, I look back on Kendra's gymnastics experience with mixed emotions.  From the time Kendra was in 3rd grade, she spent more hours on gymnastics than kids in any other sport at that age.  By the time she was in 5th grade she would leave school early to get to gymnastics.  It wasn't until Kendra was in the upper-levels of the sport of gymnastics that I started having a difficult time.  I did not work so hard to have children to have them raised in a gym.  The only time I really saw Kendra was after gymnastics while she was eating dinner, and she always seemed in a rush to get to her homework.  We always made sure we had Family Home Evenings and we tried very hard to have scripture study in the mornings.  Kendra going to her youth activities on Wednesday nights were a must.  So, right when she got out of gymnastics at 7:00, she would rush to her Mutual activities and not get home until close to 9:00 just to start all her homework.  It was very hard for her to balance everything.  On top of gymnastics she loves playing the piano, so she would have a lesson once a week, but only be able to practice for 15 minutes 3 times a week.  She would work on her Personal Progress goals on Sundays because it was the only time she had to work on them.  I wanted her to have a life outside the gym, so I would make her do something social on Saturdays after her gymnastics practice.  I am so happy that I made sure she had a social life outside of gymnastics.

When she was in level 7 I started feeling that things were not right.  It did not feel right to have my child at such a young age be doing tasks all the time just to keep up with everything.  Kendra would wake up very early to do a chore that she was assigned for the week.  I felt that if I did not have her do her part in our family and around our home then I would be doing a disservice to her.  Gymnastics is great and all, but how would she take care of herself once she moved out of our home?  I wanted her to enjoy her childhood.  She is a very hard-working, determined child and so I think that for her it was normal to be working so hard at everything.  I, on the other hand, wanted her to have more down time to just have fun and let loose.  Kendra was driven and determined to get a gymnastics scholarship, so I tried to be supportive.  Once Kendra got to be training level 10 I had another break down in the bedroom with Brian. I just felt that Kendra was unable to ever let loose and just be.  I have prayed and prayed about Kendra being in gymnastics.  I never felt that I should make her quit, so I tried to be as supportive as possible.  It is also hard to tell one's child that she has to stop doing something she has done her whole life, and even harder when coaches and the gymnastics world is starting to take notice of her.  She was a very talented gymnast.  I am happy that Kendra came to the choice on her own.  I guess she had been praying about her future and suddenly she was not interested in getting a gymnastics scholarship.  She realized that she did not want to do gymnastics in college, so what was the point of continuing going to practices and meets if she did not want a future in the sport.

Honestly, I think gymnastics taught Kendra some very valuable life skills and built her character, but I do not miss her being a gymnast one bit.  In fact, I used to love the sport of gymnastics, but it is just alright to me now.  I feel a bit resentful.  I guess I feel like it took my daughter away from me when I could have been with her and we could have had more experiences as a family.  I do feel that it was good of me to leave the decision to Kendra.  I LOVED watching the US women's gymnastics team, but now it just makes my stomach hurt.  I feel bad for those girls.  Whenever those girls talk about how they never went to a prom or on a date or that they gave up hanging out with friends or they never knew how it felt to be involved in other activities or go to football games...I used to think, "Wow!", but now I just think, "How sad!  It's the only time in your life you could experience so many different things, but you were in a gymnastics center."  That time will never come back to them.  And for what?  A scholarship?  The Olympics?  It's not worth it.  Yes, gymnastics is the most physically challenging sport, but so what?   Yes, gymnasts are amazing athletes, but my daughter has soooo many amazing things about her.  Gymnastics does not define who she is!  She is amazingly talented in anything athletic.  She loves music.  She is a brainer and a half!   She wants to choose the right.  I love that she is a good girl, but she has a mischievous side to her.  More importantly, she has been blessed with a kind heart.  The sound of her giggles uplifts anyone's spirit.  I see Kendra now and she is much more balanced and happy.  She misses competing and her six pack, but she is doing things and learning things she would have definitely missed out on.  I LOVE that she is around the house much more now.  She never would have gotten to know Jonathan as well.  She was always a nice sister, but now she has a deeper connection to Kessa than before.  She was involved in church, but now she seems to have a deeper meaning of the gospel.  She has had the opportunity to get to know more people.  I could go on and on.  It has been challenging because it is a huge change in her life, but it has definitely been worth it.  I love my Kennyroo so much!  This mama will never regret that her daughter quit gymnastics.  I am grateful that Kendra has had a relationship with her Heavenly Father since she was young and has gotten answers to prayers.  I am very grateful that she listened to the Holy Ghost and obeyed the promptings that she received, even though she was scared and worried about what it meant for her future and how much she would be disappointing her coaches, teammates, and others that invested their time and hopes into her.  That is the definition of bravery to me.